Friday, March 25, 2005

wow.
I finally came back and read Roxie's comment. >wipes tears away< Thanks, Roxie. That means alot to me.

I am so annoyed and fed up with the world right now. I'm working everyday this week, but Easter, and I am spending that with my Aunt and Uncle. So, my English teacher, being the bitch she is, gives us two papers due Monday. Not one, but two papers I do not have the time to write. I will probably end up handing one in late. And, the annoying thing is that one paper is about a sonnet. We did presentations in class, and now we have to write a paper about our favorite one. Sounds simple, right? Well, some groups didn't give copies of the sonnet to the class, so I can't remember all the ones our class did. Whatever, it's only a page.

Other than that, we found out our new topics for Academic Decathlon. Renaissance. Music, Art, Economics, and Super Quiz are all based on the Renaissance. Since the Super Quiz is a social science topic, we have Anatomy as a science topic. Sounds like fun. ^_^

I broke my cellphone the other day. It got smashed in the car door. I brought it to the store so I could get a replacement, and the guy behind the counter looked at and said "Shit...". It was kinda funny. Since we didn't have insurance, I would have had to pay the whole cost of the phone. But, because I had done a job for the store at Staples a while ago, he gave me a good deal. He had a barely used phone that had been returned. For $100 (not $200 like it should have been), he gave me the phone, tranferred my contacts, and switch the cover plates for me. I was so happy. Other than the lack of pics on the phone, no one can even tell I broke the other one.

You know, so many little things can hurt so much. I didn't really realise that until I have cried myself to sleep the past two days. Stress from school and work is really getting to me. Plus, all these stupid things keep happening. Like, on Tuesday, my art teacher said she didn't like my picture. She said it was ugly because he didn't have a nose. He had nostrils...but apparently that wasn't enough. And, then, later that day, my cellphone broke. I went to the bank, took out money, and bought a new one. It really sucked. I had a picture of all my friend who sit in the TNT room (about 18) piled onto one loveseat. Everyone looked so happy. It was a great pic, but now it's gone. On Monday, my mother hadn't informed me that she cancelled all our personal lines, so I couldn't talk to my friend. And, now every phone in the house isn't working. My shoes got soaked yesterday because it snowed and turned to slush. Now they smell and I need a new pair. My pants for work were ripped apart by the washer machine. I failed my history test. I think I caught bronchitus from my brother. I got stuck in a therapy session with my family where they reemed on me. I feel like kicking and screaming and crying all at once. I want to be angry, but all I'm getting is a feeling akin to apathy. I want to care, but I feel it's too much effort. I feel like life is taking me nowhere. I want to feel like my life is worth something, that everything isn't for nothing. I got smashed in the head with a stray icy snowball walking out of the school. My drawing got wet and the ink spread, so now I have to do it again. I lost my favorite shirt. Someone stole my gym clothes. These little things are really starting to build up.

And, one of my friends might be getting married. I should be happy for him, but i can't shake this "feeling" I have. It's like a very uneasy feeling. I mean, I should feel really happy for him because I used to stay up til 4 am giving him love advice. The last time I talked to him, he seemed resolute in becoming more daring and taking risks (not like a jumping-off-a-building-without-a-parachute kind of risk) like I suggested. I was happy that he was seeing a different light on things. Now, he has made up with the girl I have given him so much advice about how to get, but I feel very...wary, for lack of a better word...about this news. I mean, it could be because last I heard from him, they would still hate each other by the time June came around. It seems strange that they would end up back together so fast. I'm also kind of upset knowing that if there is a wedding, I won't be invited even if I did give him so much advice. It's not my place to be upset, but I am. Something feels terribly worng about this situation, but I can't put my finger on it. I wish my friend the best of luck though. May he always love her like he told me he loved her. "She is my first thought in the morning, and my last thought at night before sleep."

~Lumi ^_^

Current Modd: Uneasy
Current Msuc: "Path" by Apocalyptica
Quote: "Lasting harmony with a woman (was) an undertaking in which I twice failed rather disgracefully." - Bill Cosby
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Friday, March 11, 2005

It's Over
And I can barely believe it. Academic Decathlon is over. March 9th was the awards dinner, where out team found out that we did not make it to nationals because we came in 3rd place, not 1st. It was a long night. We had to leave the school around 4:15 for a long bus ride. The dinner actually began around 6:30, and we got there about 6. It was a very long dinner. It ended around 9:30 and we had to drive back still. We didn't get home 'til about 11:45. I was tired. Last time, at regionals awards dinner, I won a silver medal for music. All by myself. I was so proud. But, what I was looking forward to the most was calling my dad afterwards. I called him to tell him all about it, but he didn't answer. I left a message. That was February 8th. He still hasn't called back. I left a message last night. Telling him I didn't win anything individually, but we took third place. At the dinner itself I actually cried when they finished the awards for individuals and I didn't have my name called. After they finished my level social science awards and all that was left was speech, which I know I did horribly in, I put my head down on the table. I didn't start crying right away. I was thinking to myself that I had made my mom come for no reason. It was around then that I thought of my dad, and I just started crying. I knew I shouldn't have been that upset. I mean, I know it was a harder competition, but I just couldn't help it. I guess it was that I really felt I didn't have anything to tell my dad that I was really upset. I mean, maybe subconsciously I am really striving to do well for my dad. Maybe I just want him to finally call back. I have left messages. Maybe 8 in the last two months, alot more before that. I guess my hope of staying in touch with my dad is totally shot. He has never called back. I try to leave my numbers in the messages, maybe he doesn't know my number. Apparently my mom talked to him awhile ago, but he said he never got my messages. And I sometimes worry what would happen if he called me back during school or work. I am pretty sure I would leave class or disappear at work. I would probably be desperate enough to do it. I really miss him. I try to tell him that in my messages, but I don't think a phone can really express the tears that well up in my eyes whenever I reach the point of saying goodbye in my message. I don't think he is a horrible person for not calling back, but apparently everyone else believes that him never calling me back makes him one. I guess I should be mad, but I don't want to be. I have this naive notion in my mind that maybe he is just busy. However, I am aware that is not the case. I have not seen or heard from him since last July. Before we left his home in Cape Cod, my siblings and I found two small packets of cocaine and a straw in his top draw. I wrote him a letter before we left. I guess I'm playing dumb and thinking that he will recover, but he won't even answer his phone anymore. I know he is not recovering and I dread the day when I will probably be pulled out of class to be told that he has died from his addiction. I guess I was so disappointed at the awards dinner because I felt I didn't have a reason to call. A reason for him to be proud and call back and congratulate me. I guess I should be annyed because I have to keep calling. This is what unrequited love feels like? Isn't that supposed to happen between a boyfriend and girlfriend (or bf and bf, or gf and gf)? Why should I have to feel like I am "striving" for my father's love? Shouldn't that be unconditional? Maybe I should give up. Calling does not seem to get me anywhere. I guess after loving and admiring him for 15 years, it just seems a habit to still love him. I liked having that positive feeling that there was always my dad to talk to when I couldn't get along with my mom or someone else in the family. I mean, it was one of the only positive feelings I had for a while. But, now that he's not here, and I can't talk to him, or just see him every so often, I feel like I have nothing to direct positive emotions to. I feel like in the last two years...I've lost everything I once loved. My dad, my friends, my home, my love for learning, my love for music, my heroes, my hopes, my dreams. Like dust in the wind, blown away. Aside from my cat, what do I have left? I made a vow to not commit suicide or do something otherwise stupid until Roxie died or just stopped being my friend. Of all the friends I ever lost, I missed her the most. She made me laugh. She and I could be strange together. And when she left, she made me cry. I am glad she is my friend again. I wouldn't know what to do without her, and I am so mad at myself for hurting her in the first place. Roxie and my cat. My only reasons for living. Thank you for still loving me, whether as a friend or mother. ^_^

~Lumi ^_^

Current Mood: happy with bouts of melancholy
Current Music: the radio
Quote: "Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe; Bold I can meet--perhaps may turn his blow; But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send, Save, save, oh! save me from the candid friend. " - George Canning
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Monday, March 7, 2005

The Essay
Suicide


Many factors lead to suicide. Many are listed even if they are not thoroughly explained. From bullying to depression, from pressure to music, from school to media, the list ranges in many areas. The most common choice of a cause of suicide is stress or depression. Another is accessibility to weapons, such as guns, in the home. Thomas Joiner, the FSU's Bright-Burton Professor of Psychology, came up with many conclusions based on Edwin Shneidman's theory of "psychache", which is one of today's most in depth studies as to why people commit suicide (Pool). Many more follow, but are not as detailed in their vindication. All of these causes affect people of all ages.

At least one out of five people will become depressed at some point in their lives. Many get over it quickly, but there are a few who do not. Many of the people who commit suicide because of depression are people who are diagnosed with "severe or manic depression". Manic depression is a form of depression serious enough that a patient may feel that the only way out of their pain and suffering is death. Quite a large percent of overall suicides are people who have a family history of depression. Surveys show that as many as 60 percent of all high school students have thought about their own death or about killing themselves. In addition, one out of every ten high school students experience some form of severe depression during the high school years. Clinical depression harms in both psychological and emotional way. To be diagnosed with clinical depression, it must last at least two weeks and have at least five of the following symptoms: lack of concentration, feelings of hopelessness, eating habit changes, sleep troubles, loss of energy, behavioral changes (restlessness and agitation), risk-taking behavior, changes in schoolwork and/or work habits, and thoughts of suicide. The pain of depression can be far more overwhelming, more incapacitating, than any physical pain. Death is the only relief in some minds, whether it is self-inflicted or accidental (Slaby).

Many people believe that if someone did not have access to a weapon, then they would never commit suicide. The recent increase of accessibility to guns in the home seems to coincide with the increasing rate of suicide performed with a firearm. More than 17,000 Americans die annually from self-inflicted firearm injuries. Using a gun to commit suicide almost always results in death, while other methods, such as poisoning, are not always lethal (Educational Availability). Many articles and studies about impulsive teenage actions point out that with easy access to such a deadly weapon are a lethal combination.

Fourteen years after his own father committed suicide, Thomas Joiner turned his attention to the question of why people kill themselves. He found it to be a field that had been largely overlooked by mainstream psychology. Though more than 30,000 Americans kill themselves each year, relatively few psychologists have studied the topic directly. "Most psychologists see suicide as a part of a larger problem--depression and other mood disorders. A second reason that suicide has gotten relatively little attention from psychology," Joiner suggests, "is the stigma and fear associated with it. Rational people get irrational when they talk about things like this." Joiner followed the research of Edwin Shneidman, a prominent "thanatologist", or suicide research, at UCLA. Shneidman wrote that suicide resulted from intractable emotional pain. This pain, called "psychache" by Shneidman, gets so bad that a person prefers death over life. Shneidman also claims that most suicidal people can be put into one out of five groups classified by different needs, such as the need to be lover, the need to belong, and the need to strike first. Joiner points out that self-preservation is a basic human instinct. People would try very hard to avoid causing themselves pain and harm. "The thought of, say, cutting or asphyxiating oneself is very upsetting and difficult to contemplate for most people. And that," Joiner says, "is precisely why relatively few people commit suicide out of all those who think about it." "People who actually kill themselves," he suggests, "have (obviously) managed to beat down the survival instinct and fear of pain and suffering." His entire theory continues, but the amount of research Joiner has performed is phenomenal (Pool).

There are many lesser causes of suicide, some of which may not even be true. Bullying, school, peer pressure, music, religious fanaticism, media, working at a young age, grief, bereavement, other mood disorders, etc. are just some of the lesser causes of suicide. None are really thoroughly explained with an unbiased opinion, but have been brought up in studies about suicide.


WORKS CITED

Dunne, Edward J. "Depression Can Lead to Suicide." Current Controversies Spring 1998. Opposing Viewpoints. 25 Jan. 2005.

Educational Fund to End Handgun Violence, the Coalition to Stop Gun Violence. "The Availability of Guns in the Home Contributes to Teen Suicide." At Issue 31 May 1995. Opposing Viewpoints. 25 Jan. 2005.

Educational Fund to End Handgun Violence, the Coalition to Stop Gun Violence. "Gun Control Would Help Prevent Suicide." 31 May. 1995. Opposing Viewpoints. 25 Jan. 2005.

Johnson, Mark. "Probing the Suicidal Mind." Milwaukee Journal Sentinel 12 July 2004. SIRS Researcher. ProQuest Information and Learning. 25 Jan. 2005 .

Kuntz, Raymond, Sam Brownback,
Joseph Lieberman. "Heavy Metal Music Contributes to Teen Suicide." At Issue 6 Nov. 1997. Opposing Viewpoints. 14 Jan. 2005.

Pool, Robert. "The Why of It All." Florida State University Research in Review Winter 2004. ProQuest Information and Learning. SIRS Researcher. 25 Jan. 2005.

Rios, Delia M. "The Extent of Homosexual Teen Suicide is Exaggerated." At Issue 17 May 1998. Opposing Viewpoints. 14 Jan. 2005.

Slaby, Andrew E., Lili Frank Garfinkel. "Depression Contributes to Suicide." At Issue 2000. Opposing Viewpoints. 25 Jan. 2005.

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Oops...
Oh, this thing is still here...Kinda forgot about it for awhile.
Anyway, life has been busy. Between Academic Decathlon and school and work, life has been rather hectic. Academic Decathlon states competition was on Saturday and it sucked because I messed up on impromptu badly. I couldn't make it to 1 minute 30 seconds about what kind of fictional character I would create. It sucked. Other than that, I feel I did pretty well in most subject areas. I had alot of trouble on the mathematics and I got my left and my right mixed up on economics, but whatever. I was so happy when I took the Social Science part of the testing because I actually knew alot of the questions. Superquiz, astronomy this year, was exciting, but we didn't win. We got fourth place. If anyone is confused about what Academic Decathlon is, just comment and I will explain it next post.
Because I have been so preoccupied with Academic Decathlon, my grades have dropped pretty low. They are raising though. I was really upset today because I got my English paper back and I had an F. She gave me it because something said I plagarized. When I showed her the source, she said it was exact wording so I would get a C. The one paper I actually worked on, put effort into, and only one I will put effort into is completely useless to my grade and is a C. I cried over it. I mean it was so stupid. I could just put quotes around it and the problem would be fixed, but no, I'm not allowed to. One set of quotes would raise my grade to an A, but because she said she told, I'm not allowed to do it. I spent two days writing that paper. Two fucking whole days and she gives me a C for a missing set of quotes. TWO DAYS! I have never in my life worked so hard on a paper, I mean that seriously. I never put effort into essays and when I finally try, she gives me a C. A fucking C- actually. I don't think I have ever been more upset in my life. Just to know that I put effort into something and it turned out utterly useless and bad, it really upsets me. I mean, I should get over it, right? But I can't. I know there's no use crying over spilt milk, but that's exactly what I did during lunch and what I am doing now as I look at the paper. I was so proud of myself when I handed it in, thinking I would get maybe an A or a high B, but no. I can't even do that, now can I? I hope to fucking Ahuramazda that Ms. Chianchiano (english teacher) does not get tenure. I hate to sound spiteful, but I'm really upset about this. I thought maybe I could get that A I haven't gotten on an english paper since 5th grade. But my hopes prove futile yet again.
And maybe I'm so upset because my hopes were so high set. Is this some sort of lesson someone is trying to teach me? Is there some group of people that just intend to see me fall? And laugh about it afterwards? I'm so upset I can barely see the screen. I'm never setting my hopes high again. Never. That way I will never have to be crushed this badly with disappointment again. I mean, if you have read some of my previous posts, I really don't deal well with these types of things. I was just starting to recover from my last bout of depression and suicidal thoughts and now I am faced with yet another point I fail in. Am I just not supposed to be happy? I am by no means a religious person, but someone up there, Allah, God, Ahuramazda, Buddha, Odin, the Patriarchs, Brahma, etc. must really hate me. >gives the finger to the sky<
Just someone do me a favor. I am going to post the essay. Someone read it and tell me what you think. Good or bad. I'll change the color of the part that needs to be quoted. The part that caused my C-.

~Lumi

Current Mood: dejected and low
Current Music: none, except the light plopping of my tears
Quote: "Take this kiss upon the brow! And, in parting from you now, Thus much let me avow-- You are not wrong who deem That my days have been a dream; Yet if hope has flown away In a night, or in a day, In a vision, or in none, Is it therefore the less gone? All that we see or seem Is but a dream within a dream." - Edgar Allan Poe
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Wednesday, January 5, 2005

Sleepy
I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tired...
Two days in a car does that to people. I have slept maybe two hours in two days. And now I'm at school. My mom wouldn't let me stay home even though she has the flu and will be home too. Actually, we got back and found out my brother had a bigger party than expected. He swore they only had one bottle of champagne and my mother believed him, but I found out from a friend who overheard him say he had a keg there. Hmmm...to tell or not to tell... I probably won't tell even though my mom is sick now from having to clean up someone's puke. The whole house smelt like alcohol and it was blatantly obvious that there was heavy drinking going on. I'm so tired from my mom yelling at my brother because he didn't really clean up...all night...O_o
I'm just gonna take a nap during lunch...nighty night.

~Lumi ^_^

Current Mood: -_- Tired
Current Music: Only in Dreams by Weezer
Quote: Me so sleepy...
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Sunday, January 2, 2005

   Grades
You ever have a subject of academic importance that you thought was completely useless? Of course you have. Just take Geometry as an example.

Situation: On a date with your dreamdate
"So, I think you have beautiful eyes" you say to your date.
"Really?" your date replies.
"Of course" you answer "not everyone has eyes shaped like almonds"
Your date blushes
Suddenly, a waiter walks by carrying a tray of food
You quickly turn and stop him
You grab a plate off the tray while the waiter yells at you and show it to your date
"IT'S A PERFECT GEOMETRIC TESSELATION!!!" you exclaim
The entire restaurant stares at you in confusion
"Huh?" you date is dumbfounded
"See? the fish is a rhombus which has perpendicular diagonals and opposite sides equal and fits between the triangular shapes of the carrots whose area is 1/2 base times height that fit around the potatoes which are shaped like a oct..."
You see your dreamdate has disappeared
"Where did my date go?"
You walk out of the restaurant to see your date take off in a cab
"Hey that cab has a geometric pattern of squares on the..."
End Situation

Yes, I realise no one would really do that, but if you tried your date wouldn't like you very much, now would they?
You see, in most classes which are stupid, who wants to do the work? No one, right? Though, we must and always will have to do the work to pass. But have you ever gotten so annoyed at a class that you just couldn't do the work without starting a two page rant about how stupid it is to do said work (aka this post).
In my school district, there are two high school social studies classes that are required. Three years of history must be taken though. The two classes are US History and World Civilizations. Well, it would only make sense to cover World Civ for two years seeing as it has more material and do US History in the last year. But, no, the Board of Education decides that US history should be two years and Wolrd Civ be one year. Well, that's a great idea...if you want to memorize the whole bloody Constitution!! >_< Insolent fools!
As you can probably see I don't really like US History. So, I have a "D". 52 notecards a week. At least 3 packets of 10 questions over the weekend and 1 packet of 12 every night. 150 pages of the textbook explaining how to interpret the Constitution. 20 pages on how Ponce DeLeon looked for the fountain of youth. Etc. It's really annoying. Everyone in my class and the other periods agree. Stupid class. And a whole 'nother year of it next year. I don't give a flying cahoot about the 3rd amendment "The right of quartering soldiers"! It's so useless if you are not going to be a lawyer. Yeah so, I missed a few assignments out of spite for the teacher. And I have a "D" because we haven't had any other assignments for me to catch up. >sighs<

~Lumi ^_^

Current Mood: Tired
Current Music: The Entertainer
Quote: A dying man needs to die, as a sleepy man needs to sleep, and there comes a time when it is wrong, as well as useless, to resist. - Stewart Alsop
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Saturday, November 27, 2004

   Black Friday
Seeing as I have only had one job and that is my current one, I had no idea what Black Friday was. Seeing as Staples is a retail store, Black Friday applied to my job. I went to work on Wednesday, and it seemed like a normal day until we were closing. We didn't leave the store until 1:30 am. Normally, closing means you leave at 10, 11 pm. Not on the eve of the Super Bowl of Retail though. My manager was freaking out when the tags for merchandise stopped printing. It was slightly comical because I was the only one that didn't mind staying that late. When I did get home, I didn't even go to sleep. I just sat on my comp and did nothing. At 2 am my brother called me from the city to tell me to leave a door open because he wouldn't be back till about 4 am. He was really suprised to find me awake. Anyway, I worked on Black Friday too. It wasn't really that busy at all. No more than usual anyway. I worked till about 10 pm. It wasn't very fun. My copy center friend was a real bitch. >_< She always is. So now I am bored and talking to an absolutely insane person on the phone who is ranting and philisophizing about the extreme depressing and dark tones in the bible. Kinda interesting really. I never read the bible though, but from the excerpts he's reading, sounds pretty dark.
I am so tired. In the past 3 days, I have had about 6 hours of sleep. I should have had 24 hours of sleep, if I were to sleep an average of 8 hours every night. So sleepy and tired and grouchy...
>falls asleep on keyboard<
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

~Lumi ^_^
Current Mood: Fatigued
Current Music: Celtic Cry from Braveheart
Quote: "Dreams that do come true can be as unsettling as those that don't." - Brett Butler
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Tuesday, August 31, 2004

My Mom Sucks
She really does too. I mean, I'm 16 and she tries to kick me out of the house. That's just illegal. I mean, I look back on it and I just want to smash my head into the wall. I can see my reflection in the carpet and my mom seems to think it's not clean enough. >_<
Man, has anyone's parents not bothered them about their room?
I guess I'm lucky because I have a side room that's kinda like a crawlspace-turned-room. I think my room looks so clean right now that I just want to throw things on the floor because the cleansliness annoys me. I mean, don't get me wrong, I think clean is good, but not to the point where it no longer looks like somewhere where you live. I like the sense of homeliness I get from the slight disorder of my room. It's kinda what the inside of my head would look like without the green walls. I think a room should be personal. As in, not shown to guests unless you say they can see it. I think I may be too attached to my room, or at least everything in it.
I feel like I am just ranting now, but I kinda like where this is going. If you looked in my side room, you would laugh at the mess in there. Stacks here, piles there, cat in the corner. In my opinion, messy but orderly. All the piles and stacks are of certain things. Mangas, movies, fanfics, books, sheet music. I know where everything. I know where to find anything. And I like being able to find it all. Cleaning up would be changing my order and I would be none too happy with that. I like the look that says "Lumi lives here!".
I have all these little trinkets I've found or bought. They are everywhere. I don't like to get rid of things. Each one of those trinkets has some kind of memory associated with it. I would like to just leave my room my way, but my mom insists that "clutter is the root of all evil". I like clutter, and I'm already evil, so it's like a double negative. ^_^
Anyway, off the room topic. I got my first job a few days ago. I work at the Staples in my town. My first day was supposed to be yesterday, but some issues came up, so I start today, as in Tuesday. I'm going to be working in the Copy and Print Center because I have worked with the machines previously. Except, I never knew there was a machine just for folding paper...O_o I like the uniform though. Blue shirt and black apron and black shoes and black slacks. Comfy. Weird thing though, when I got my shirts, myself and another employee discovered that Large was the smallest size they had. The Large size goes about to my knees. The largest size they had was 7XL. O_O That's like a shirt for your house. I could LIVE in one of those...with my cat too! Cirque du Soleil could perform in the shirt! It was insane. Oh well, they got shirts on the idea there would be more guys working...only girls work in the Copy and Print Center at the moment. Feminists would be very happy about that.
Alright, since I have work in 11 hours, I think I should end this here. I'm happy that you read far enough to read this sentence. I do believe I rambled quite a bit at the top. lol Peace.

~Lumi ^_^

Current Mood: Happy
Current Music: Here We Go by Dispatch
Quote: "I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too." - Jack Benny
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Sunday, August 22, 2004

Finally Back ^_^
Any and everyone who comes to my page has me most humble apologies at the lack of updating. The school drew to a close and final were moments away. Plus, I was only home for 2 days this summer.
Well, on the topic of my summer, it was...travelsome. I never want to get on a plane again. School ended on the 18th of June. Four days later was my birthday and senoir graduation. I didn't get to the graduation because it was held inside and they could not fit everyone, first to go was the band. So I celebrated my 16th birthday. You know, my birthday turned out like any other day, nothing special, no party. Kinda depressing when I think about it.
After my birthday, I had a week to just hang out with my friends, go into town, stuff like that. Fourth of July weekend was spent at my aunt's house in Long Island. A friend of mine came up from South Carolina and stayed with us too. I didn't really enjoy myself, but I don't know why.
The following Monday was the only day I had to get ready for over a month away from home. Early Tuesday morning, we left NJ to drive to Florida, about 20 hours driving time, covering 3000 miles. At the same time, my mother and brother decided to quit smoking, cold turkey style. You can imagine how much "fun" that ride was. Anyway, we had to bring my kitty, Vierna, with us. When we were driving, she had fun because she would sit on a pillow on my lap and stare out the window. She was really cute. Whenever we had to stop though, we had to put her back in the carrier. She never did like it much. One time when we stopped it was 101 degrees out and my cat had to stay out in the cat carrier in the car. I felt really bad for her. We thought we lost her when we stayed overnight at a hotel because she didn't respond to my calls and we couldn't find her. I was really upset that morning. Next thing we know, she was sitting in her carrier waiting to go. We got to Florida and nothing really special happened there. I had a lot of trouble sleeping there. I somehow ended up thinking along some depressing thoughts every night and ended up crying myself to sleep most nights. >sighs< It really sucked, and I felt so stupid, but I couldn't do a thing about it.
On July 21st my siblings and I boarded a plane for Providence, Rhode Island. We were going to visit my dad. The flight was really fun. Our grandfather picked us up from the airport and we hung out with our grandparents til Dad got off from work. There wasn't much to do there. I went to the beach a few times, but the water was freezing. We got an XBox while we were there though. That was pretty cool. I beat Prince of Persia within a week. We were with my dad til August 6th. My mom drove up from Florida to pick us up and we went back home to NJ for 2 days. I saw a couple of my friends, so it was cool.
August 9th we left for LAX (Los Angeles Airport). We went to hang out at my oldest brother's place. We saw Venice Beach, Muscle Beach, Santa Barbara, Beverly Hills, Rodeo Dr., Hollywood, LA. We also took a roadtrip up north to see Sequoia National Park and Forest, and to see Yosemite National Park. The giant sequoias were really cool and the pine cones looked like they could eat my foot off. Yosemite had ALOT of beautiful waterfalls. Unfortunately, coming down some very narrow, steep steps from Vernal Falls, I had a panic attack. I totally freaked. I kinda don't know why though. We went on one more hike after that but I didn't go all the way. I turned around and went back to the river, where I took a nap. It was really nice. I'll post some pictures eventually.
We got back on August 20th and now I'm here til the school year starts. I'm happy about school starting, but at the same time, I haven't finished my summer reading essay and I am having trouble writing it. My reading comprehension really sucks. If anyone has read To Kill A Mockingbird and would like to help me a bit, I would be really appreciative. It's like I understand the book and what I have to write about, but I can't put it into words. Send me a PM if you can think of anything that would help me.
I have to do my back-to-school shopping still, which sucks. I hate shopping. I hope to post again soon. Ja!

~Lumi ^_^

Current Mood: Content
Current Music: Flogging Molly
Quote: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein
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Sunday, June 6, 2004

I'm better, but not by much. It feels like I have fallen into a permanent state of melancholy. Every little thing sets my off. i could be fine, then someone says a little comment and my mood goes plummeting. And I realize how stupid some of the things I'm getting upset over are, but I can't help it, and I'm getting more frustrated everyday. I feel like this is all so hopeless. I think I'm due for an emotional breakdown. Maybe about 9 years overdue. If I get upset over little stupid things, how am I going to react to a big one?

Other than that, one week of school left, then finals and we're done. But that makes me sad because I would rather be at school than anywhere else. All my senior acquaitences will be graduating and leaving for college. It's depressing. I'm so bad at saying goodbyes, and now I have so many to say. Tech won't be the same next year, more than half the crew was comprised of seniors. >cries<

~Lumi ^_^

Current Mood: Melancholy
Current Music: Dream Theater "Scenes from a Memory"
Quotes: "You can't have everything. Where would you put it?" - Steven Wright
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