Wednesday, June 2, 2004

Nevermind...
Okay, nevermind, about not writing the poem for Writer's Workshop because I would get sent to guidance. Apparently, someone read this page and reported me to guidance. O_o

I want to cry because that was so unfair. So what I have low self-esteem and get depressed very easily? So what I didn't smile for the yearbook picture? So what I stay at school until about 6 pm so I don't have to be home? Argh! >rips out hair< Are they so stupid that they think I have the worst problems because I do all those things? I am, by far, better off than some of my friends.

Ok, most of you reading this are probably wondering what the heck I'm talking about, so let me start from the beginning.

Last night I slept about 3 hours. I am still missing about 18 hours of sleep from last week. I hate insomnia. Anyway, I was in a bad mood. My universal locker cut off half my research report and now it's going to be a day late, my files in computers class were erased, and I lost my CD that I listen to during Writer's Workshop. Stereotypical bad day. Well, at lunch, some of my friends were discussing poetry and I joined in because I like poetry and other forms of writing. When the topic moved to what genres we write, I said mostly angst. They didn't know what angst meant. Not knowing a dictionary definition for it, I said dark, depressing, some character death or suicide, close to tragedy. It may not be exactly angst, but it does not fit in many other categories either. Right after I said suicide and death, one of them asked if I seriously wrote about that. Well, duh, I wouldn't have said if it was otherwise. When they asked why, I wasn't exactly sure how to answer, so I said emotional and imaginative relief. Then they said they thought only depressed people wrote stuff like that >sweatdrop<. So I said everyone gets depressed at least once. One of them had the nerve to say "oh no, Rachel, you're not the type to get depressed. You're always so happy and funny." >eyetwitch< Anyway, this went on and on, until we got back to my topics to write about. They brought up the suicide thing again and denied that I would write about something like that. >vein throbbs in temple< Then one of them asked if I felt suicidal because they seem to be stuck on the fact that people write about how they feel. I said "not at this particular moment." Mind you, I did not think before I spoke. That right then would have been a good time to walk away, but I didn't because I thought they would let it drop. After a very long awkward silence, they went back to sharing poetry and I was enjoying my soda. Then one girl decided to ask me if I remembered Domonic, a friend of mine who committed suicide when I was in sixth grade. I said he was my friend, of course I remember him. The same girl asked if my suicide writing was based around him. I said no. By now, I was kinda ticked off. She asked if I would ever commit suicide. That did it: ticked off + bad day = chance of explosion. So I calmly stated "I have already tried three times", gut up, and walked away. Fifteen minutes later, I was sitting at my usual table and I finally realized what I had done. I never should have said that, I really shouldn't have.

Well, during last period, I was called to guidance because apparently one of the lunch staff heard what I was saying. Not good. One partial anxiety attack on the way to the office later, I was seated in front of my guidance counselor. I tried to dodge the subject. When it came down to it, I realized that there were only two things to do: tell the truth or remain silent. Remaining silent would have probably gotten me in more trouble. Though, I did come up with a neat escape plan out the window...Anyway, we talked and I said this had come up last year as well, and that it wasn't really important anymore, I was on anti-depressants, blah blah blah. She asked me if I had thought about suicide recently. I immediately said no. According to her, I answered to fast. O_o So she asked for the truth. I said not for a year. She said she didn't believe me. She said if I wrote about it so often, I must be thinking about it. o_O She said she was going to call my mom because she thought I should go to therapy. This lady has to be on some type of drug! I basically begged her not to. She called anyway and now I probably have to go back to therapy.

I hate therapy. You talk to someone you know nothing about except for their name and occupation. As I see it, therapists are professionally nosey. I really dislike nosey people.

Who said I wanted help right now? I certainly didn't. Who was there to hear me when I did ask for help? None of the people who are forcing it upon me now, that's for sure. People are so stupid sometimes...>sighs<

~Lumi ^_^

Current Mood: moderately pissed
Current Music: Dream Theater - A Change Of Seasons
Quote: "I repeat, this is not a drill. This is the apocalypse. Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion. Thank you." - P.A. System in Dogma
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Untitled Poem
This is something I wanted to write, but if I wrote it for my Writer's Workshop class, I would end up in guidance.

I feel tired
Lost
And utterly empty
Like no one loves me
And I love no one
I try to please
Which never works
I just want to be hugged
Or maybe left alone
Yet no one seems
To be there
When I finally call for help
All that responds
Is my echo


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Saturday, May 29, 2004

Blah...again
You know, life just doesn't seem worth anything anymore. I don't even think I'm alive anymore, I just exist. I have so many questions that no one can answer without also sending me to a shrink as well. I'm running out of options. I feel that everyday I walk around with a mask on that looks as though it is laughing and smiling. Yet, underneath the mask I'm crying and screaming, and wanting nothing more than to die. I'm starting to wonder how many people would care if I disappeared. Maybe my mom would feel responsible, my sister would be sad, my brother might not really care, my other brother does not seem to even know me, and my dad would be sad. My list of friends is really short.
The saddest part about all of this is that what I really live for right now is my cat. I love her so much, I could never leave her alone like that.

~Lumi

Current Mood: Extremely Depressed and Suicidal
Current Music: Savage Garden
Quote: "What was the start of all this?
When did the cogs of fate begin to turn?

Perhaps it is impossible to grasp that answer now,
From deep within the flow of time...

But, for a certainty, back then,
We loved so many, yet hated so much,
We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

Yet even then we ran like the wind
Whilst our laughter echoed,
Under cerulean skies..." - Chrono Cross
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Tuesday, March 30, 2004

SAVE DR. O!!!!!!
Today, for the first two periods of school, 7:30 to 9:45 am, most of our high school stood out on the football field in the 31 degree weather. Why? Because our principal's contract is not being renewed. Meaning, he won't be back next year. The students who wanted him to stay went out to the football field in protest to the Board of Education's decision. I was one of them, so was Roxie. The decision was brought forth by our superintendent, Saxton (I know him by no other name). I downright hate that man. After he took money from the Tech program to help build his shiny, new marble bathroom; he decides he wants to fire a very nice person. Dr. O may not exactly suit a principal role at first, but when it comes to matters, he is a fair judge of character and always knows how to help people. He is very enthuasiastic about the sports programs and he is an all around cheerful guy.
Since, the first mention of his being fired, students and parents have fought to keep him around. We all love him, with the exception of a few. It was planned that we would rally on the football field on Wednesday of this week. The decision of moving it to Tuesday was made when, on Monday, students discovered some of the teachers knew and had told. A huge effort was made Monday night to pass the word of the change so everyone would know. This morning, myself and other students gathered on the football field, despite the cold weather, and refused to leave until someone noticed. Z100, a radio station in New York gave us a shout-out when students called in to get some media attention. I started borrowing cell phones and getting numbers for other radio stations using 411. I also got the number for ABC news and NBC. News 12 came to see the rally. We were on TV! Here is the article and you can watch the report:
Oakland high school students rally in favor of renewing principal’s contract

The Oakland (now that you know where I live) Board or Ed called an emergency meeting, but I do not believe it will work. Many others agree. Now, people are worried about the consequences of the rally. They counted the missing two periods as cuts. We're not supposed to get detentions or suspension from that though. I never even cared if there would be consequences, I feel that it should have happened and now that it did, I'm happy even though we might not have achieved anything at all. I was glad to be apart of something I believed in with others.
Today was a good day, though I am sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I normally don't get home till about 10:30 pm from Tech. I hope you are all doing well. I have recovered from being sick, I was out of school Mar. 24-26 and I was still sick on Saturday. I will post again tomorrow hopefully because I have Writer's Workshop. Till then...

~Lumi ^_^
P.S: Save Dr. O!
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Monday, March 22, 2004

Hmm...
You know, maybe I'm not thinking of all the options I really have. If anyone has read my previous posts, any suggestions are welcome. Comments would be very much appreciated.
Today was an okay day. I was kinda tired. We cleaned the Tech Room (aka scene shop). I have OCD and so did one of the other two people I was working with. I found some really weird things. We have locking doorknobs for the sets. I found that strange. We started painting the background for the Wizard of Oz portion of the play, but we had to end early because a board meeting was taking place. But I had fun while it lasted. Cleaning the Tech room was incredibly fun for some odd reason.
I've been kinda avoiding my family and friends. I feel bad for my friend Marlena because as soon as I started to drift, Mich and Amber were saying since I was out of the loop Marlena could take my place. I feel so bad about that. Any suggestions?

~Lumi ^_^

Current Mood: Happy
Current Music: Low Rider by War
Quote: "To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am." - Bernard Baruch, on his 85th birthday
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Sunday, March 21, 2004

Sunday, again
>sighs< Today totally sucked. We had Tech yesterday, but today it was cancelled. Of course, I didn't find that out until after I had walked up the huge hill to the high school. Pete and Katrina drove past me right by the entrance and told me out the window. Someone could have told me sooner. I got home and I was talking to some of my friends on the phone and it seemed as though they didn't want to hang out. Mind you, these were the two that were complaining about me never being available or wanting to hang out. They were both doing nothing and they seemed to avoid the fact that they weren't doing anything. Then my whole family got in a fight over something stupid and everyone kept blaming me and wouldn't let me even defend myself. So, I ended up yelling, which I rarely do, and my mom almost hit me. I ducked. After that I left the house and called my friend who said I was always welcome. I was really upset. All I remember thinking was that my mom was going to be so mad at me for leaving the house and how I should have just killed myself when I first tried to suicide. When my friend finally got there, I was a wreck and I was cold. I only had a sweatshirt and it was really windy. I felt that I shouldn't have called her, that I was a burden. I should have just stayed by the KFC where they picked me up. I should have never called her. I still have no idea why I did that and I feel so guilty for dumping my problems on her and her family like that. My thoughts have turned so depressing again. I keep saying "think happy thoughts", but that sure isn't working. I ran away from confrontation with my family to a confrontation with my friend and her family. I wanted to run again. I still want to run, even though I am back at home. I just want to find a little hole and curl up and cry, maybe die. Hopefully Roxie doesn't read this, she would be so upset if she knew my thoughts were back to suicide and death, but I am sorry if she does read this. I need to get this out and writing is my best way. Talking to the wall definitely won't help. I have locked myself in my little side room to hide. Yeah, I'm such a coward, but what the hell am I supposed to do? I'm scared, I'm backed into a corner, I'm a caged animal, and I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm angry at myself for being like that, but at the same time I'm crying. I have no idea how I feel. I have never really been able to name my emotions, but this is ridiculous. I feel like a lake in the middle of a desert. I feel like I want to be alone, but at the same time, I want a shoulder to cry on. I want a hug. I want someone to say it will be okay and for them not to be lying. I want to be in Tech, sad as that is. But, I don't have what I want. So, I'll just continue pounding on the keys until I feel better, but that could be awhile. I feel even worse because I feel that if anyone has read this message, it has been a waste of their time. Sorry.

~Lumi

Current Mood: A wet cat
Current Music: 3rd Planet by Modest Mouse
Quote: "The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears." - John Vance Cheney
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Saturday, March 20, 2004

Burnt
Earlier today, I posted a poem. It was during Writer's Workshop, so I thought I should get some opinions on it. Feel free to express your opinion of the poem. *cough*Mitch*cough*
I got to use the dremel again today (friday). Most people are suprised when I get excited becuase I get to use power tools (aka "toys" ^_^). I enjoy using power tools, I don't know why either. Maybe I'm just a psycho. Anyway, we had to cut off screws because they were sticking out of the wood. The dremel basically sanded down the screw. Sparks fly when you use it though. I got burnt four places on my hands from hot metal splinters. It hurt, but I kept at it and got off all the screws. Pete got mad at me because I had to take off the tape he was using to get at one screw. But, I had fun. We ate pizza there; we had it delivered right to the auditorium, but Pete owes me six bucks for his share of the pizza and tip.
I don't know what to do about my friends, but for once, I'm going to do something totally selfish and just continue going to Tech. >sighs<
I have to catch up on my quotes, so look back on previous posts for new quotes.

~Lumi ^_^

Current Mood: Happy
Current Music: Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen
Quote: "There’s a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it is not a train." - Me (again)
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Friday, March 19, 2004

Fallen
White feathers fall to the earth
From spread wings
Of black
The fallen form
Of a friend and brother
Lies still as death
Fluttering feathers
Fall like tears of grief
For the loss of a love
And the birth of chaos
Without him
His smile
His voice
His wings of darkness
All that shed light
Eternal night
Seems to have fallen on my heart

~Lumi ^_^
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Thursday, March 18, 2004

You know, I didn't know there was a "Comments" option until yesterday. Roxie had to tell me about that. So, if anyone left comment and I just got them, I am sorry for being a spaz. I'm just that sweet. ^_^;;;
Tech was fun today. We screwed Martin to a platform. He thinks I ripped his shoe though. We were building the set for the Wizard of Oz portion of the play. Munchkin Houses!!!! We built the frames and I have no idea how five people are going to fit in each. I got to use the Dremel. Since it was on metal screws, there were sparks flying in every direction. We ate pizza there, so I didn't get home til 9:30. I was at the school until 10:30 yesterday. Almost the whole set that we have completed rolls. We put casters (wheels) on everything. I told the other guys there that I know how to use a chop saw, but they won't let me near the thing. I have one in my garage and have used it numerous times for pete's snake (yes, snake)!
All my friends seem to be mad at me except for a few. I love them all like sisters, but sometimes I want to do something other than sitting around waiting for them to call me. That's what I used to do. Instead of telling me to my face that they were "upset", they wrote me letters. Basically they said that it was okay for me to make new friends, but I was leaving them behind. It got me thinking about all the times I have had to change my schedule around to fit theirs, how at least one of them stops talking to me everytime I say I can't do something, all the times they have left me out, all the times I have been told that they forgot they were going to hang out with me and made different plans, about all the fights I have had with my mother to plan oddly timed schedules, how I have been continuously asking them to hang out and receiving "no" as an answer, how sick of all the above I am. I don't know to say if I "hate" them or if I am "angry" with them or maybe "disappointed" in them. I don't want to lose my friends, but this is getting out of hand. I used to sit and wait for someone to call me, I gained weight and I ended up on anti-depressants and I became a stress ball. When December of 2003 came around, fencing started, and I was in it with one of the 2 people this problem is pretty much related to. The others never really complained. I guess they were expecting me to hang out with the after fencing was over. When I joined Tech, one of them even said "you ruined my dreams" as a joke, but it still bothered me. Since I joined Tech, I have been rarely depressed, I feel happy everytime I think about how Tech is just at the end of the school day, I have lost weight, I got to know some really nice people, and I really like it. But, I have noticed I have repeatedly apologized to my friends when I tell them I can't do something. They go quiet on me and basically give me the cold shoulder. It's actually really childish now that I think about it. When I apologize though, I feel like I am apologizing for living happily, even though it is for a small time (Tech ends in April). It makes me wonder. And, I ask myself "what the hell?!" because I tried or have for so long made my friends happy by changing my plans, by spending all my time with them, by always being there, by getting in fights with my parents, by racking up the phonebill, by doing everything so they wouldn't stop liking me because they weren't happy with me. But, those calls I used to get everyday have diminished to not even one call, and I didn't feel "useful". I am sick and tired of doing the same thing everyday. I am sick of apologizing for living my life how I wnat to. I am tired being the only one who is there. I am tired of being the only one who still thinks we are "Rachel and the Quartet". I am sick of twisting my spine and schedule for the people I call friends. I am angry at the acusations thrown my way. I am upset that I might lose my friends. I just want to do something my way for once. I don't understand why my friends would be upset with me for enjoying myself. I just don't get it. I am so happy the six hours I am at Tech, but I am not happy at with my friends. It's too tense, I guess. I don't want to lose my friends. I don't want to go to Tech less. Why can't they understand? It's only until April! I am going to be so sad when Tech is over. I don't even want to think about it. I hate this...I HATE IT! I don't know what to do. I'm hurt, angry, sad, crying and I don't know what to do or who to go to. I can't go to my mom, she doesn't like the fact that I get home so late and that she never sees me. I can't go to my siblings, they never help me. I can't go to my dad, he lives in MA and I'm in NJ. I can't go to my friends, they're part of the problem. I don't like my guidance councilor. I just thought of calling my psychologist, but I haven't seen or talked to him in at least 9 months. I dislike my guidance councilor. I just don't know what to do. I don't.

~Lumi

Current Mood: Extremely upset
Current Music: Jethro Tull
Quote: "I do not need a plan, just a goal. The rest will follow on its own." - I have no idea who actually said this, I found it on a Magic: The Gathering card.
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Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Sorry
I'm terribly sorry about not updating. I just have been lazy. I don't think anyone is waiting by their computer, continuously refreshing the page until I post. If anyone was, I was have to say I do not have a serious case of OCD. O_o
I've been sick lately. Cough, sinus problems, sore throat, the whole shabang. It sucks. I would post about some of my school/friendship problems, but I don't know if any of them happen to read this or not. All I know is that it is like a very long fuse on a bomb. I just don't know how long that fuse is. >sighs<
We had a snowstorm today and my mom said I could walk home. I don't live very far away, but there was at least two inches of snow on the ground, the road the school is on was blocked off, and I didn't have any boots with me or a coat. It's below 30 degrees and my mom says "You can walk, it's not that bad." It's a freakin snowstorm and there is the wind, which blew the snow horizontal and sleet was coming down with the snow! I ended up riding with a friend of mine who is a senoir. I felt bad about having him drive me home, but I really didn't want to walk. The only good part about today, now that I think about it, is that I got a road flare from when the cops unblocked the road to the school. Fire starting impliment + road flare = FUN!!! ^_^

~Lumi ^_^

Current Mood: Melancholy
Current Music: Hamasaki Ayumi
Quote: "If everyone in the world was doing the same as you, would the world be better or worse?" - Anonymous
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