Thursday, May 3, 2007

   And All Good Things Must Come to an End
Well, it's over. It's finally over. Academic Decathlon National Finals were wrapped up this past weekend. Thus, I now have nothing to do with my life. Maybe I could keep studying about China, but what's the point?

Of course, when I have a really good time, I fall into a depression immediately afterwards. I feel as though I will never have fun again. I look back on everything we did and realize that I might never see these people again after this year. And like I look back on memories with my dad, when I remember how we laughed and enjoyed life, I will find myself crying. Because all I will have is memories. Memories of laughter, of fun. I won't have the opportunity to make new memories. Even with that thought I am already in tears and I feel so selfish for that.

I can't help but wish for more. I'm disappointed with my scores at the competition, but that was covered with the sheer joy I had with the group of nine wonderful people I found myself surrounded with. It was like having a family again.

It's terrible to think that I barely consider the people I actually live with family, but I feel that we are so distant now. I may seem like a loner, but I like when my family is around. I like knowing that someone is nearby if I need them. At the end of this year, I leave for college. I know I am not going far, but my mother and sister are moving to the opposite side of the country. That's 3000 miles between us. I wonder now if they might forget about me. I wonder if I will lose those memories of laughter that always make me cry. I barely keep in touch with my father, but I miss the way we used to joke, to laugh, to live life as it came at us. I look back on those memories, the few I remember and all I do is cry.

I wonder if those friends might do the same. Forget about how much fun we had and how close we became. I do not mean to say they are people who won't talk to me because I am not in the same social circle. I mean to say, will they continue their lives and make newer and greater memories that will cast these in shadow? Will we meet again at a reunion and not know each other anymore?

I want to live in the present. Isn't that a ridiculous desire? I find myself caught between past and future. The present is obscured to me. I am being forced to make choices that I do not feel ready for. I dwell on the past in hopes that I do not forget what few good experiences I have. I fear that my future will not have anymore fun and interesting experiences. I do not know what I want to do with my life. What is that saying? "Live in the here and now"? Why do I feel as though I am not given any opportunity to do so?

Isn't it funny that it takes something as simple as an extracurricular ending to get me to really feel and notice the depression that has been dormant right below the surface. I suppose it's always been there, waiting for the opportunity to strike again. And I find myself angry and embarrassed. Angry at myself. At how weak and selfish I am. Embarrassed that I can't stop the tears and the hurt. That I can't bring myself to talk to people. That I leave these long messages in an online journal because I can't say it any other way. That I need this release or I'll do something crazy. That my keyboard is splattered with the tears and pain that I can't voice on my own.

I'm going to forget them. I know it now. I can't remember anything prior to eleven years of age. I can't remember how my brother and I used to be best friends. How my sister used to pull my hair. How my mother worked such long hours in our basement office. How my father used to cook our dinner and teach me to read. My mind is blank. I know only the stories my family tells. My imagination has to fill in what everything must have looked like. It's almost like writing a story, creating memories like paragraphs of my life. I can't stand that I must rely on others to tell me what it used to be like. They say don't dwell on the past, but I want to know I have a past. That maybe I had a happy seventh birthday. That maybe life was not as disappointing as it is now. I want happy memories to fall back on in times of sorrow. To remember what life as a child was like. I want that memory of innocence even if I am no longer innocent.

All I feel I am saying is "I want..." and I feel selfish for it. Where do I get the right to say that? I am not less fortunate. I have a roof over my head, even if it does not feel like a "home". I have a mostly complete family. I have a job and I am getting an education. I don't have the right to complain. I really don't.

I don't even know what I want to say anymore. It is impossible to express what I am feeling inside. But it mostly comes down to one thing. Even if I do not connect with my family like I should or spend lots of time with my few good friends, I don't want them to leave and forget.

I don't want to be abandoned.

I don't want to be forgotten.

But most of all, I don't want to be alone.

~Lumi

Current Mood: See above
Current Music: "Gorecki" by Lamb
Quote:
"Yet each man kills the thing he loves,
By each let this be heard,
Some do it with a bitter look,
Some with a flattering word,
The coward does it with a kiss,
The brave man with a sword!" - Oscar Wilde
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