Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Anxiety
I think there is something wrong with me. Like my mental process has been thrown out of whack. Maybe it was because I started playing World of Warcraft. Or, maybe it was because my good friend at school told me he liked me. Or, maybe I attended too many anime conventions over the summer. Or, maybe the blond wig in my closet is really a monster like my friend jokes about and it is slowly consuming my soul. I don't know. I feel jumpy and I get upset over the most random things at the most random times. I was so upset last night. I couldn't stop crying and I wanted to talk to someone, so I called Roxie and she did not answer. And, I knew she would call back, but suddenly I was afraid to talk to anyone. So, I turned off my phone. And, now I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything. I just want to sleep. Or, get to level 70 on WoW. I don't know. Have you ever hit a time like this in your life? Right now I had a sudden urge to try and write everything out as it comes to mind, but all I am getting is this jumble that you are currently reading through.

Maybe this was all brought on by my stupid comment to my friend regarding his feelings for me. I wish he had never said anything to me because now I feel I have to watch what I say and analyze my actions. And I constantly think about things like "I hope he doesn't feel like I am leading him on." By the time he called last night and told me what he thought about what I said, which is not what I meant at all, I was already upset from work and a frickin' migraine and all I remember is a bunch of words followed by "bitch" and he hung up. And I should have called back, but I didn't. I didn't know what to do. I was sitting on the top of a long staircase and I quietly contemplated throwing my phone down the stairs because I was suddenly angry and crying and lost and so many other things. Instead, I went back into my room and tried to get ready for bed, throwing my phone as violently as I could on to my bed. I kept crying and I didn't want to wake my roommate, so I thought I should take a walk. So I went down by the river and sat in a tree, which was mighty comfy, which I suppose was subconsciously important to me on some level. I mean, if my face is gonna be all hot and my head hurt and my lungs ache from holding my breath, my ass might as well be comfortable. I really just wanted to go back to my dorm and cry myself to sleep, but I really did not want to wake my roommate. This is the point where I made my phone call and subsequently shut off my phone altogether. Sorry Roxie, I don't know what I was doing.

While I was staring at the river I remembered a story I had heard about my campus. A long time ago, the campus was a wet campus, I think. It might not have ever been, but that is not the point. The point revolves around fences. Anyway, this person, not sure on gender, got really drunk and went for a walk. In their drunken stupor they wandered over to the footbridge that connects the two parts of the campus that is split by the river. Now, for some odd reason, this person decided to take a swim or maybe it was a dare or something, and they jumped off the footbridge. The reason I thought of this was because I was so upset, that for about maybe, probably not even five seconds, I considered drowning myself so that I wouldn't have to deal with anything anymore. No more essays, tests, social problems. No more of my own stupidity, nothing. But then I remembered this story. And the sad thing is, you would think that this story would scare me or something, but all it really did was make me remember that the jumper did not drown. They died because they broke their neck because the river is too shallow. If I tried really hard, maybe I could drown myself, but I doubt it. And, it just is not worth the effort. That's right, killing myself is too much effort.

For some odd reason, this whole train of thought calmed me down. I decided to venture back to my dorm and go to bed. But, because there is always a but, something weird was happening. I don't know what was happening in my head, but it seemed like every step I took towards my room, the more upset I became. I had to keep finding places to hide and sob or a place where I could at least see if other people are coming along the path. I wanted to sit down again, but I remembered that the campus geese always traveled the path and I didn't want to ruin my pajamas with goose poop, though that should have been the least of my concerns.

When I was younger, I used to get really upset when people would leave. Not like separation anxiety, just upset. Like I always felt every goodbye was a last goodbye and I would never see that person again. And maybe it was my overactive imagination, but I always thought if they died in a car accident on the way to wherever they were going, did I say everything I ever wanted to say to them. I mean, maybe you should say those things all the time, but I normally don't even think about it until the wee hours of the morning and no one would want me calling at that time. Especially, I always feel that if you randomly tell people those things, they get concerned or worried and I don't want to worry people. Like I want to call my mother right now and tell her I love her more than anything, but I really don't want her to think I am going to kill myself or something like that, which is exactly what she will do. But it doesn't make my wanting to call her or anyone any less. And, this thought is really upsetting me, so we'll move away from that.

Back to the story. The previous paragraph was how I felt as I walked back to my room. Like I was seeing someone for the last time. And it was weird, because I hadn't seen anyone at all. Did I miss my suicidal thoughts and random stories? Goodness, I hope not, because then I would feel even crazier than I already do. What the fuck is wrong with me?

And I feel stupid writing this rant. Someone, somewhere is having a much harder life than I am and I should not be sitting here wallowing most likely in self-pity when someone somewhere is being beaten by their father or killed by a rapist. What right do I have to say my life sucks when so many people have it worse than I do? Why am I so fucking selfish? And, why should I be so upset over my friend admitting his feelings, when he is the one who technically got rejected? Is it because I feel like he had plenty of advance warning that I do not like to date? Is refusing to date selfish? I think so. But, should I say, "yes, I'll go out with you." just because I don't want to hurt people's feelings? I hate these situations. People always get hurt. There's no winning and I hate losing. And he is right. I am a bitch because I do not understand how he feels and I do not know how to avoid hurting him further. And I hate this. I hate watching my every word so carefully, but it seems like I do that everywhere now. And maybe it was a Freudian slip and I meant to say something like this all along. I don't even know anymore.

Last night made me want to update my myO, but I took nyquil to put myself to sleep because my head hurt from crying and thinking in circles. So I am doing it now. I had the day to think and analyze what went wrong and now I think this is something bigger. I've felt disconnected from the world for a while now. I never want to go anywhere anymore or do anything. I go to work, class, and sleep. Sometimes I eat, but I have no appetite anymore. And when I do eat, it has to be something bad for me because I want it to have lots of flavor. Something to ground me. My senses feel dull and my head feels like I have a tumor growing inside it. And, I don't know what to do.

A while ago, when I was upset about something else, one of my friends mentioned the student psychological services. And I would visit, but I feel like it would be on my record and that would somehow affect my future. That could be true. But I'm embarrassed as well. Because my problems aren't that bad. And, I'm sorry to whoever read to this point. There is no order, no sense in this sequence, just my thoughts, and those are going in circles.

All I know is I wish I had some of my old anxiety meds right now. Maybe it's time to get back on them.

~Lumi

P.S. Ken, if you read this, which you probably won't, I'm sorry I didn't virtually marry you that day in the chat room. I probably hurt your feelings very badly. And, while you may have forgotten, that silly thing stuck with me because I felt so guilty. I'm so sorry.

P.P.S. Roxie, if you read this, which you probably will, I'm sorry I turned off my phone. I hope you understand. I'm sorry for every time I ever made you upset. And, I want to call you and tell you I love you, but it is an obscene time, so I'll refrain. You are the best thing that ever happened in my life and I appreciate every precious moment I have spent with you and regret every moment I wasn't there for you.

P.P.P.S. Kevin, if you read this, which I am not sure you will. I am sorry I am never online anymore. I haven't been myself lately and I didn't want to come online and just rant at you. I hope you don't think I am avoiding you. I just don't want to talk to anyone that much anymore.

P.P.P.P.S. Van, I know I gave you the URL for this, so I don't know if you ever come here. I know I already called you and spoke to you, but it feels like it will never be enough because I can't give you what you really want. And I know you say you understand that I don't date, but when you called me over the summer after a few drinks and asked why I wouldn't go out with you, I realized it is still on your mind and it does still bother you. And, for that, I am sorry.

P.P.P.P.P.S. I apologize to anyone else who reads this that I might have ever hurt. I also apologize that you had to read it. It barely makes sense. I am just a whiny bitch with minor problems and horrible coping mechanisms. I apologize for your suffering as you read this.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. (<----that looks so ridiculous) I am not going to kill myself anytime in the near future, so anyone considering calling a psyche team to my present location, please reconsider quickly. This is not a suicide note or anything of the sort. I would put that on paper, not on the internet.
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