Friday, March 11, 2005

It's Over
And I can barely believe it. Academic Decathlon is over. March 9th was the awards dinner, where out team found out that we did not make it to nationals because we came in 3rd place, not 1st. It was a long night. We had to leave the school around 4:15 for a long bus ride. The dinner actually began around 6:30, and we got there about 6. It was a very long dinner. It ended around 9:30 and we had to drive back still. We didn't get home 'til about 11:45. I was tired. Last time, at regionals awards dinner, I won a silver medal for music. All by myself. I was so proud. But, what I was looking forward to the most was calling my dad afterwards. I called him to tell him all about it, but he didn't answer. I left a message. That was February 8th. He still hasn't called back. I left a message last night. Telling him I didn't win anything individually, but we took third place. At the dinner itself I actually cried when they finished the awards for individuals and I didn't have my name called. After they finished my level social science awards and all that was left was speech, which I know I did horribly in, I put my head down on the table. I didn't start crying right away. I was thinking to myself that I had made my mom come for no reason. It was around then that I thought of my dad, and I just started crying. I knew I shouldn't have been that upset. I mean, I know it was a harder competition, but I just couldn't help it. I guess it was that I really felt I didn't have anything to tell my dad that I was really upset. I mean, maybe subconsciously I am really striving to do well for my dad. Maybe I just want him to finally call back. I have left messages. Maybe 8 in the last two months, alot more before that. I guess my hope of staying in touch with my dad is totally shot. He has never called back. I try to leave my numbers in the messages, maybe he doesn't know my number. Apparently my mom talked to him awhile ago, but he said he never got my messages. And I sometimes worry what would happen if he called me back during school or work. I am pretty sure I would leave class or disappear at work. I would probably be desperate enough to do it. I really miss him. I try to tell him that in my messages, but I don't think a phone can really express the tears that well up in my eyes whenever I reach the point of saying goodbye in my message. I don't think he is a horrible person for not calling back, but apparently everyone else believes that him never calling me back makes him one. I guess I should be mad, but I don't want to be. I have this naive notion in my mind that maybe he is just busy. However, I am aware that is not the case. I have not seen or heard from him since last July. Before we left his home in Cape Cod, my siblings and I found two small packets of cocaine and a straw in his top draw. I wrote him a letter before we left. I guess I'm playing dumb and thinking that he will recover, but he won't even answer his phone anymore. I know he is not recovering and I dread the day when I will probably be pulled out of class to be told that he has died from his addiction. I guess I was so disappointed at the awards dinner because I felt I didn't have a reason to call. A reason for him to be proud and call back and congratulate me. I guess I should be annyed because I have to keep calling. This is what unrequited love feels like? Isn't that supposed to happen between a boyfriend and girlfriend (or bf and bf, or gf and gf)? Why should I have to feel like I am "striving" for my father's love? Shouldn't that be unconditional? Maybe I should give up. Calling does not seem to get me anywhere. I guess after loving and admiring him for 15 years, it just seems a habit to still love him. I liked having that positive feeling that there was always my dad to talk to when I couldn't get along with my mom or someone else in the family. I mean, it was one of the only positive feelings I had for a while. But, now that he's not here, and I can't talk to him, or just see him every so often, I feel like I have nothing to direct positive emotions to. I feel like in the last two years...I've lost everything I once loved. My dad, my friends, my home, my love for learning, my love for music, my heroes, my hopes, my dreams. Like dust in the wind, blown away. Aside from my cat, what do I have left? I made a vow to not commit suicide or do something otherwise stupid until Roxie died or just stopped being my friend. Of all the friends I ever lost, I missed her the most. She made me laugh. She and I could be strange together. And when she left, she made me cry. I am glad she is my friend again. I wouldn't know what to do without her, and I am so mad at myself for hurting her in the first place. Roxie and my cat. My only reasons for living. Thank you for still loving me, whether as a friend or mother. ^_^

~Lumi ^_^

Current Mood: happy with bouts of melancholy
Current Music: the radio
Quote: "Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe; Bold I can meet--perhaps may turn his blow; But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send, Save, save, oh! save me from the candid friend. " - George Canning
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