Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Actually...
I figured it out. I was at the diner today with some friends because I had no where else to go after I gave the drama club an RCA cable. So I was there with two of my friends. At first it was the three of us, talking, eating, drinking, and the other two smoking. Then, another person showed who knew one of my friends and asked where someone else was. Then a girl who is really good friends with my other friend at the table came. So there were now five of us. I suddenly felt really alone. When they were talking, I would try to say something but no one would listen. They were having a great time. Then, one of the original two with me gets a call to go pick up another kid, so he leaves. So back down to four. The other three were having a wonderful conversation. I did finally get some points in, but not much. Before my friend returns with the kid who called him, another of my friends showed up. So back to five. Then he comes back and we have seven people. I think I stopped talking about then. I gave up. I tried to say something, but no one listened.

So, instead, I started thinking. I realized that what I had been feeling was that I felt felt I didn't belong. I felt so out of place. With people, or some of them, who I thought were my friends. I think half the people at that table didn't really know or like me. I felt really out of place in the diner. And, I realize I feel like that everywhere. I mean, as of right now, I don't really have any good friends. I would like to think I do, but I feel so out of place even around them. When I was still friends with Amber and Michelle, I always felt that I had at least one place I belonged, with them. It was so simple. We were such good friends, everything could be that simple. But now, I realize I don't have any friends. I have acquaitences. Roxie may be my only friend, but we don't even talk much, and that is my fault. I feel that my effort in trying to make friends just isn't working. I will probably leave high school with no real friends. Sad, huh? It could be my own fault. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. But who would want to be friends with me? I'm whiny, annoying, obnoxious, fat, ugly, weird, and boring. I wouldn't even want to be my own friend. I feel sorry for Michelle and Amber, I guess. They put up with me for so long. How on earth did they do it?

A man once asked me if I was homeless. He was kidding, referring to the fact that I carried so much to and from school. But instead of laughing or denying it or even agreeing, I went silent. I thought about it. I still think about it today. And, I thought to myself, have I ever really had a home? Where is home? Many say it is where the heart is. But, I have never really let my heart lay somewhere or with someone. Amber, Michelle and Roxie were the closest to home I ever came, but that did not last. With my family? I don't think so. I don't really get along with any of the people that live with me. My house? The only part of my house I would consider home, is the room I am sitting in now. My midget room. A crawl space turned into study. But, it would not be home if my kitty was not in here sleeping on my lap right now. I guess, if we were to look at the literal sense of a home, yes, I live in a house. But figurative, the part most important to me, no, I don't have a home. Not anymore.

I really have nowhere to go, no one to turn to, nothing to hold onto, no shoulder to cry on. And I ask myself day in and day out, "Why am I still here?"

~Lumi ^_^

Current Mood: Resigned
Current Music: "The Execution" from the Braveheart Soundtrack
Quote: "For after all, the best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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