Monday, May 23, 2005

Hi all
I feel bad about leaving such gaps in between the times I post. I guess whenever I start a post I don't get to finish because I make my posts so damned long. Note to self, never start one in study hall.

Well, I have been stuck in a depression since the last time I posted. It seems more like a seamless void of unhappiness. The kind where you really can't climb out unless someone throws you down a rope to climb. But, the rope-bearer is missing. I sometimes just feel like I will never get out. It's hopeless and so am I.

And the worst part is that I find I have no real reason to be down. My grades are fine. Sure, my friend situation hasn't improved, but I'm ok with a lack of friends that I can really talk to. Work is fine. I have no problems with my mom and other family right now. Yet, I feel like everything is wrong. It's odd that nothing "is" wrong, but everything "feels" wrong. What I want most is to tell someone, anyone outside my family of one of my deepest secrets because its bothering me. I have nightmares; I haven't slept well in days. I almost had a nervous breakdown the other day because of it. I'm a wreck, but I don't think anyone has really noticed. I have told one person, but I haven't really spoken to them in depth in a long time. I feel not only bothered, but alone. So alone. I may be standing in a crowd of people I would like to consider friends, but I feel like I am buried twenty feet under them and not even the worms visit me. And I want to cry, I really do, but my eyes just stay dry. I think I have hit the bottom of the pit.

The worst thing happened to me in yoga today. I really hate visualization. The teacher says, I quote, "Close your eyes and imagine your self in a place that is quiet and serene. Imagine yourself in a place that is completely peaceful." I thought of the beach first. But then I thought about how I don't like sand. So the next thing that popped in my head was death. What could be more peaceful than no longer living? I almost groaned in frustration but yoga is a quiet class. I thought I was over this, I really did. But right now, suicide or some spontaneous accident is looking really good. My arms were itchy for the rest of the day after that.

What I really want is to cry on someone's shoulder and have them tell me it's ok, even if they are lying. I wouldn't mind if someone lied for the sake of my fast receding sanity. I need to let it out. I need something to hold onto. Not only that, I need something that will hold onto me, I wouldn't feel very alone then. Knowing that what I am holding onto is someone who will support me and care for me like I haven't had since I was very little would make me happy. I want to stop the stress, and the loneliness, and the unhappiness. I just don't seem to have much help though. I need a friend really badly right now, and I don't have one. And, I know I am being selfish, wanting to dump my problems on others, but I can't help it right now.

I just want to be held.

~Lumi

Current Mood: Melancholy
Current Music: The Freshman by Verve Pipe
Quote: "Ennui has made more gamblers than avarice, more drunkards than thirst, and perhaps as many suicides as despair." - Buddha

"Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit."" - Bill Maher quotes
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