Saturday, October 8, 2005

Wrong
You ever get that feeling that everything is just going wrong and you can't do anything about it? Well, I have that now and no one seems to want to talk. It seems so petty and annoying that I am so annoyed by everything that is going on around me. I shouldn't even be complaining. They're all such simple things.

Maybe it's kind of like music. Begins soft...soft, low long, droning notes. The the crescendo. A build up in noise and notes. It can become obscenely loud.Life feels like that. A tone slowly crescendoing to blast out my ears. No matter what I do I can't stop it. We were talking about no win situations in life and I had the irresistable urge to raise my hand and say "My life." I would half expect my classmates to laugh and my teacher to not take me seriously.

By the way, this is not PMS. I had that last week.

I hate all but two of my classes. I like lunch and wind ensemble, everything else is going horribly wrong. My mother doesn't understand me, the bank cheated me $155.08, my dad won't tell me his address, my brother wants to join the marines, I have no artistic talent, my cat keeps jumping on the keyboard, my grades are dropping, I did badly on my test in bio, I failed my in class essay in English, I disappoint my manager at work, I haven't gotten my raise though I have worked over a year, my pre-calc book is falling to pieces, and so is my life.

Everyone would say, "Talk to someone." I don't really want to. I just want to stop. I go to bed at night, curl up under my blanket and wish I could stay there forever. Sometimes I'll pull the blanket over my head, and feel so at peace by that warmth of realizing I am completely alone. My whole little world is centered around being under that blanket. And I wish I never had to leave that world underneath my blanket. Under that blanket is my void. My little piece of space. IT's not here or there or anywhere. It is complete nothingness. Inside there, I don't have to acknowledge the fact that my pre-calc homework is serving as my pillow. I can't see it. I wish life was like hiding under a blanket. I almost want to cry in the morning.

Sad? Pathetic? A little bit of both?

What's so wrong with wishing you didn't have to live your life anymore, huh? I mean, I hate my life. I hate myself. I am a rotten, cold-hearted, ignorant, apathetic, conniving, greedy, shrewd, rude, dumb, ruined individual. I see no point in living a life of sheer misery. Sure, there were good moments in the past, but I look back at them and cry. I cry for the father I don't have anymore. I cry for the fun that will die. I cry for the laughter that ceased to ring. I cry for a future with no hope.

I find that I feel I have no really strong attachments to anything anymore. Not to my mother, not to my father, not to my brothers, not to my sister, not to my cat, aunts, uncles, grandparents, work, school, home, life.

I find that my worst problem is finding a reason. A reason why I am sad, angry, hurt...A reason why my father won't talk to me...A reason why I am always angry at my mother...A reason to live...My life is a complete lack of reason and that bothers me. I stopped looking for a reason a while ago. Now I feel like I go through life in a complete state of not-quite-thereness. Life is passing me by, but I can't find a reason to join with the passers.

Have you ever had a moment where all you wanted to do was be alone, but at the same time, you don't? But when I am finally alone, I want to cry, and there is no one there to comfort me. I can't think of many times when someone has been there. I can muffle my sobs in a pillow and no one knows the difference. No one suspects the red-rimmed eyes to be that I was crying. No one asks why my eyes are always watering up. No one seems to realize, day in and day out, I am about to cry. Maybe I should just burst into tears one day. Let's see what happens. Will anyone care? I hate how I am one the phone with someone and crying and they don't know and I don't have the will to tell them. And that song I put on in the background on repeat over and over seems to give no hints. I feel like this:

Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen and I can't get out
Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen and I can't get out of here
Believe me, I'm just as lost as you

And every time I think I've finally made it
I learn I'm farther away than I have ever been before
I see the clock and it's ticking away, and the hourglass empty
What the F***do I have to say?

Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen and I can't get out
Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen and I can't get out of here
Release me, I'm just as lost as you
Believe me, I'm just as lost as you

Keep it inside
The image portrayed
As if I couldnt stand losing
As if I couldn't be saved, no way
A small confession
I think I'm starting to lose it
I think I'm drifting away
From the people I really need
A small reflection on when we were younger
We had it all figured out 'cause we had everything covered
Now we're older it's getting harder to see
What this future will hold for us,
What the F*** are we going to be?

Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen and I can't get out
Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen and I can't get out of here
Release me, I'm just as lost as you
Believe me, I'm just as lost as you

So lost, I'm just as lost as you
Oh well
What am I going to do
I'm afraid I'm falling farther away (from where I want to be)

Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen and I can't get out
Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
This picture's frozen and I can't get out of here
Release me, I'm just as lost as you
Believe me, I'm just as lost as you
--------------------------------------
I'll stop my rant now.

~Lumi

Current Mood: Trapped
Current Music: "Still Frame" by Trapt
Quote: "Whoever said that anything is possible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door." - Anonymous
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