Thursday, March 18, 2004

You know, I didn't know there was a "Comments" option until yesterday. Roxie had to tell me about that. So, if anyone left comment and I just got them, I am sorry for being a spaz. I'm just that sweet. ^_^;;;
Tech was fun today. We screwed Martin to a platform. He thinks I ripped his shoe though. We were building the set for the Wizard of Oz portion of the play. Munchkin Houses!!!! We built the frames and I have no idea how five people are going to fit in each. I got to use the Dremel. Since it was on metal screws, there were sparks flying in every direction. We ate pizza there, so I didn't get home til 9:30. I was at the school until 10:30 yesterday. Almost the whole set that we have completed rolls. We put casters (wheels) on everything. I told the other guys there that I know how to use a chop saw, but they won't let me near the thing. I have one in my garage and have used it numerous times for pete's snake (yes, snake)!
All my friends seem to be mad at me except for a few. I love them all like sisters, but sometimes I want to do something other than sitting around waiting for them to call me. That's what I used to do. Instead of telling me to my face that they were "upset", they wrote me letters. Basically they said that it was okay for me to make new friends, but I was leaving them behind. It got me thinking about all the times I have had to change my schedule around to fit theirs, how at least one of them stops talking to me everytime I say I can't do something, all the times they have left me out, all the times I have been told that they forgot they were going to hang out with me and made different plans, about all the fights I have had with my mother to plan oddly timed schedules, how I have been continuously asking them to hang out and receiving "no" as an answer, how sick of all the above I am. I don't know to say if I "hate" them or if I am "angry" with them or maybe "disappointed" in them. I don't want to lose my friends, but this is getting out of hand. I used to sit and wait for someone to call me, I gained weight and I ended up on anti-depressants and I became a stress ball. When December of 2003 came around, fencing started, and I was in it with one of the 2 people this problem is pretty much related to. The others never really complained. I guess they were expecting me to hang out with the after fencing was over. When I joined Tech, one of them even said "you ruined my dreams" as a joke, but it still bothered me. Since I joined Tech, I have been rarely depressed, I feel happy everytime I think about how Tech is just at the end of the school day, I have lost weight, I got to know some really nice people, and I really like it. But, I have noticed I have repeatedly apologized to my friends when I tell them I can't do something. They go quiet on me and basically give me the cold shoulder. It's actually really childish now that I think about it. When I apologize though, I feel like I am apologizing for living happily, even though it is for a small time (Tech ends in April). It makes me wonder. And, I ask myself "what the hell?!" because I tried or have for so long made my friends happy by changing my plans, by spending all my time with them, by always being there, by getting in fights with my parents, by racking up the phonebill, by doing everything so they wouldn't stop liking me because they weren't happy with me. But, those calls I used to get everyday have diminished to not even one call, and I didn't feel "useful". I am sick and tired of doing the same thing everyday. I am sick of apologizing for living my life how I wnat to. I am tired being the only one who is there. I am tired of being the only one who still thinks we are "Rachel and the Quartet". I am sick of twisting my spine and schedule for the people I call friends. I am angry at the acusations thrown my way. I am upset that I might lose my friends. I just want to do something my way for once. I don't understand why my friends would be upset with me for enjoying myself. I just don't get it. I am so happy the six hours I am at Tech, but I am not happy at with my friends. It's too tense, I guess. I don't want to lose my friends. I don't want to go to Tech less. Why can't they understand? It's only until April! I am going to be so sad when Tech is over. I don't even want to think about it. I hate this...I HATE IT! I don't know what to do. I'm hurt, angry, sad, crying and I don't know what to do or who to go to. I can't go to my mom, she doesn't like the fact that I get home so late and that she never sees me. I can't go to my siblings, they never help me. I can't go to my dad, he lives in MA and I'm in NJ. I can't go to my friends, they're part of the problem. I don't like my guidance councilor. I just thought of calling my psychologist, but I haven't seen or talked to him in at least 9 months. I dislike my guidance councilor. I just don't know what to do. I don't.

~Lumi

Current Mood: Extremely upset
Current Music: Jethro Tull
Quote: "I do not need a plan, just a goal. The rest will follow on its own." - I have no idea who actually said this, I found it on a Magic: The Gathering card.
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