Sunday, March 21, 2004

Sunday, again
>sighs< Today totally sucked. We had Tech yesterday, but today it was cancelled. Of course, I didn't find that out until after I had walked up the huge hill to the high school. Pete and Katrina drove past me right by the entrance and told me out the window. Someone could have told me sooner. I got home and I was talking to some of my friends on the phone and it seemed as though they didn't want to hang out. Mind you, these were the two that were complaining about me never being available or wanting to hang out. They were both doing nothing and they seemed to avoid the fact that they weren't doing anything. Then my whole family got in a fight over something stupid and everyone kept blaming me and wouldn't let me even defend myself. So, I ended up yelling, which I rarely do, and my mom almost hit me. I ducked. After that I left the house and called my friend who said I was always welcome. I was really upset. All I remember thinking was that my mom was going to be so mad at me for leaving the house and how I should have just killed myself when I first tried to suicide. When my friend finally got there, I was a wreck and I was cold. I only had a sweatshirt and it was really windy. I felt that I shouldn't have called her, that I was a burden. I should have just stayed by the KFC where they picked me up. I should have never called her. I still have no idea why I did that and I feel so guilty for dumping my problems on her and her family like that. My thoughts have turned so depressing again. I keep saying "think happy thoughts", but that sure isn't working. I ran away from confrontation with my family to a confrontation with my friend and her family. I wanted to run again. I still want to run, even though I am back at home. I just want to find a little hole and curl up and cry, maybe die. Hopefully Roxie doesn't read this, she would be so upset if she knew my thoughts were back to suicide and death, but I am sorry if she does read this. I need to get this out and writing is my best way. Talking to the wall definitely won't help. I have locked myself in my little side room to hide. Yeah, I'm such a coward, but what the hell am I supposed to do? I'm scared, I'm backed into a corner, I'm a caged animal, and I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm angry at myself for being like that, but at the same time I'm crying. I have no idea how I feel. I have never really been able to name my emotions, but this is ridiculous. I feel like a lake in the middle of a desert. I feel like I want to be alone, but at the same time, I want a shoulder to cry on. I want a hug. I want someone to say it will be okay and for them not to be lying. I want to be in Tech, sad as that is. But, I don't have what I want. So, I'll just continue pounding on the keys until I feel better, but that could be awhile. I feel even worse because I feel that if anyone has read this message, it has been a waste of their time. Sorry.

~Lumi

Current Mood: A wet cat
Current Music: 3rd Planet by Modest Mouse
Quote: "The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears." - John Vance Cheney
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