Friday, January 26, 2007

   friday!
Listening to:
we like to party
vengaboys

YAY!!! its Friday. w00t. listening to some happy techno, and jamming out! humm school was alot of fun. Amanda, my best friend and I ran around like dumb asses. (well, we do that anyway, but more so.) In the commons we staged "the game" The game is a horrid concept and is really hard to explain. basically, everyone is playing the game. the point of the game is to forget the game, and if you remember the game, you must announce it, so that everyone remembers the game, and loses. The only winner of the game is spinner, the creator of the game. who was very um... we'll say under the influence... when he came up with it.

now when you're playing the game, it has 3 sub sections. one section is extreme rock paper scissors. which basically, is, the same old game, but the person that wins slaps the person that loses. then the other game is the molest game. basically cheep shots at chest and groin, for points. (can you believe I'm in the top 5 percent of my class?!?) third is ultimate dance off. I always win that one. we played the molest game in line for lunch, but we got bored with that. so we had our dance off in the center of the commons. (which is like, a low ceiling gym with tables)

usually, we just do DDR stage off, which is play the DDR music I have on my ipod on my portable speaker set, and try to do the arrows as best we can remember. but, that gets kinda boring. so we tried to break dance. I'm really good at stuff, like, doing flips, and the fluid robot. Amanda was really good at the booty bump. I was loosing for a while, because I didn't really wanna bust out. but then that song by Madonna came on. her new one, "hung up" and I just went all out. got a good video of it too.

I think I'll post it on here. it was cool. Amanda was like "NO FAIR!" ha ha ha. but yes. that was my Friday! how was everyone else's?

-lizzo

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Thursday, January 25, 2007

   ITS SNOWING!!!


ITS SNOWING GUYS!!! YAAA HOO!!! I went outside to go play, and my sis took a picture of me and my dog! ^__________^ yay!!! snow snow snow snow!!!

-extreme happiness!

-lizzo
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   *yawn*
just woke up. I've lost track of the days. is today Thursday or Friday? I can't seem to remember... >< so I got my PSAT scores back yesterday. I did really well in reading. (as usual) but my math, and writing stunk like week old cheese. it was badddd.... which surprises me. On the OGT (Ohio graduation test) I had to take sophomore year, I got accelerated in math, and advanced in writing.

I guess you cant ace every test... *sigh* I mean, maybe not everyone knows, but I'm like a total perfectionist when it comes to my grades. I'm not going to get an ulcer if I don't get an A in trig, but, I really want to go to a good college. so, you know, a's and b's. the occasional c in classes like algebra 2 honors. which, yea. don't listen to your guidance councilor. just because I passed algebra 1, and geometry with a b, doesn't mean I can hang with an honors level math class. oh! and don't get me started on AP classes!!!

Yes, I have okay grades. I'll admit. but I'm also a slacker that hates work. I have world history AP, algebra 2 honors, and comp. and functions of lit. AP. AND I'M ONLY A JUNIOR!!! *sigh* good thing is that once this year is over, I'll only need 1 credit to graduate. which means I can do PSEO. which means going to college, while I'm going to high school. I'll already have... hummm if I take just 5 classes, each 6-8 credit hours...

I could be entering college as a transfer sophomore. Thus, I can get better classes, and get my associates degree in half the time. In theory its nice. I get away from my parents. I get a higher likeliness of going to college, and I get a higher likeliness of getting into my first choice.I'm not really shooting for ivy league. too stuffy, and too high tuition. I'm thinking art schools. Then again, I could always get a BA in something in theology, and become a teacher. lots of decisions to make. not much time to make them in... good thing is, I'm sending in my college ap's now. my friend saul did, and he go accepted into Texas A&M. ha ha. funny thing is... he doesn't even remember applying!!! ha ha ha

-lizzo
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Wednesday, January 24, 2007

   I hate being too young to vote
Listening to:
Bring me flowers
hope

There are some nice things in this world. its just America that seems like a crap hole. did anyone else check out the presidents state of the union last night? he made some pretty lofty promises. They sound good. but hes too stubborn for me. I'm not a democrat, or a republican. I frankly don't like either of them. I'm conservative on some issues. mostly domestic. but I'm very liberal on our foreign policies.

I'm an independent, because I don't like either one of our bi-partisan parties. they both seem inept at governing for the people, and tend to only think of them selfs, or of their party. America was founded on a constitution and the right of the people. The people rule as they see fit. the government is simply there to protect and serve us. not to impose on us.

*sigh* sorry. getting too political I know. its just... Why are we still in Iraq? if we went in to destroy WMD's and to over throw an imposing dictator, then why didn't we go into Africa? Chad? Sudan? what about Ethiopia? or Nigeria? the war on terror? why did it take us almost 8 years to find terrorists in Somalia? And what about the genocides in Darfur? why is it just now that people are seeing it? With so much pain and anguish going on in Africa, why are we trying to fix a country thats in civil war?

I have a soft spot for Africa. All throughout history this entire continent was raped of their recourses by the Europeans, and when they gained their independence, and immediately they fell into civil wars. people are dying for things that are not under their control. And our country, based on the sole reasoning of protecting the innocent, and saving those who cant save them selfs, haven't done anything but cast a weary eye towards it.

I can see it from an economic point. We would have more monetary gain from the middle east, the center of petroleum than we would in Africa, where the only monetary value they have is diamonds, and gold. Which is securely owned by European companies. But is money more important than human lives? Have we become such greedy capitalists that we would rather let children die than open our check books to a small sacrifice?

*gah* I hate being too young to vote.

-lizzo
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Monday, January 22, 2007

   bum, da bum
Listening to:
bubbly
colbie caillat

Listening to jazz. mellowing out after a really wacked out day today. we got dumped with a few inches of snow. but we got ice on top of it. and logically, all the school districts, (I mean, every single one) was closed. but us. of course. sigh* so school was chaotic.

Think hell in a hand basket times ten. well... bright side, is that people left me alone. I just don't feel like talking much. I'm being really selfish, and I don't want people to know. I'd rather people think I was tired, than for them to know that I don't want to talk to them. *sigh* just who I am. less problems.

my parents are being overly nice. my sister go an F on her report card, and they just kinda went "*tisk* do better next time..." I got a's, and they had the same kinda ho-hum "dr. phil" response of calm neutral reactions. I mean, I guess its better than their over dramatic insane 4 day long lecture fest where my mother bursts into tears, and my father punches a dent in the dry wall. I mean, anything to avoid those stupid childish reactions right? but its weird. it has me walking on tip-toes. I feel really suspicious. I'm not sure how long its going to last.

I had a nice long talk with my sister. she officially knows absolutely everything about me. and I her. as we've grown older, its nice. we've really become best friends. it makes me feel a lot better about everything. I have at least one person I can tell everything to. one person I can relate to.

-lizzo
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Thursday, January 18, 2007

   damn foreign kids
Listening:
My best friend
toy box

Ahhh. gotta love inside jokes. my friend Stephanie was poking fun at me. apparently the only people I attract are foreign kids, and neurotic crazy OCD guys. well the guy I'm dating was born in Germany... and... ha ha ha. its funny. It just struck me that way today, when I caught the exchange student from Italy hitting on me during chem. weird... I don't mind though... its just... unusual... I don't find myself that appealing to the opposite sex.

if I where a guy, I doubt I'd find me attractive... *shrug* so it makes me laugh when I find guys that find me cute, or whatever. thats why I call my sort of boyfriend a loser... (I still feel uncomfortable calling him a boyfriend even though we've been dating for a few months. follows along my hate of getting close to anyone.)but yes. had a funny day today.

mostly because I got my grades back. straight flippin A's! humm not bad for a 3.0 gpa huh? yup. it kicks ass. ^^ just a good day. nothing really is getting to me right now. I just feel thankful for good friends, nice life situations, good grades, and a bright future. Maybe its temporary, maybe not. I'm just happy to be around on this little blue pixel for another day. (if you've seen "inconvenient truth" then you'd get the whole pixel thing...) ha ha ha

-have a nice day!

-lizzo
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Tuesday, January 16, 2007

   amazingly amazing
My bones have shattered
My pride lay shattered
and all in the mist of this self inflected pain,
I think I see my beautiful rescue...

Feeling amazingly amazing right now. its really nice to know your wanted sometimes. it really is. I mean, I don't beg for attention. Sure, I usually end up being in the middle, because I'm loud, and flamboyant. but to truly know you're wanted... needed... its nice. just to hear about how much people care about you. it just feels like, no matter what happens. who happens to hurt me, or what happens to me, as long as I have those few special people in my life, I can get through anything, and it will all turn up fantastically.

they took me in... broken. spoiled... isolated... and they saw all these horrible things in me... and they accepted them. I wasn't whole... and they dint care. they helped me find those broken pieces, and helped me fit them together again... they took me in, sheltered me. I feel so amazing to have people that care for me in such a way, that they see my faults, and love them for what they are...

It could be nothing more than a comforting smile, or an inside joke, that just reminds me, that I do have people that care for me. I feel so thankful, that sometimes... I'm almost guilty. I don't do enough to repay them for their kindness. Sometimes, I feel like I could rip out my kidney, and it wouldn't be enough to equal the amount of happiness they bring me everyday of my life. all I can do is spoil them, and thank them. hug them every day, and smile at them. its not nearly enough... but I know they'd never ask for anything more than me as a person. thats what I'll give them! my boyfriend, my best friends... They'll get every bit of me. I love them all so much. this is really the first time I've been this happy in a long time.

its just nice to know you're appreciated...

-lizzo






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Wednesday, January 10, 2007

   finished
did my exam. I still have like, an hour left. greattt... more time to brood. yay. I had a big fight/slaughter thing with someone yesterday. I call it a slaughter because I didnt get a word in. she just blasted me for the better part of an hour, and while I tried to defend myself, she would belittle me down to every shred of my being, calling every reason I have retarded, and idiotic. it came to the point where she basically called me a winey, insecure, emo bitch with a strong personality disorder. she says that I'm 2-faced, and that I brood too much, That I lie contantly, and try to act like a cold heartless person, because I have an infiorty complex.

What can I say to that? I mean, I'm insecure. I'm also a 17 year old american teenage girl, with too much time on her hands. thats not an excuse, but its also something to work through. as for a true mental disorder? are you insane? if I truely had an infiority complex, why would I act the way I do? so mabye I'm insecure. yes. I act aloof, so that I dont have to truely say how I feel out of fear of rejection. yea, I have a terriable fear of rejection, I also have a hard time trusting anyone but myself, and I try to play the loner role alot.

but, I'm also struggling with it. I'm trying to open up, and trust people more. I'm trying to act myslef more often, and give a reason for my actions. and some friends, are fantastic. they defend me, re assure me. help me. something I thought I'd never have. something I was sure I could live without. its nice to know that there are people that accept me no matter how strange my actions, and how warped my reasons behind them. There are also some people that find them selfs so without fault, that they can cast an eye down on others because they feel it be wrong in thier eyes.

I am who I am. I will always find it hard to trust people, and I will always have a brick wall around my true feelings. thats who I am. who I will always will be. I'm struggling with it, and for the better part of the past few years, I've worked through it. I dont need someone hating me for my faults. thier not my friend. thier sub-human to rip out as strong a fear as rejection, and use it against them in a petty arguement. I love myself, and I'm proud of who I've become. if you dont like me, then dont be around me.

I dont need you anyway.

-lizzo
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Tuesday, January 9, 2007

   second guessing
Listening to:
Pavlov's daughter
regina spektor
11:11

Relaxation. I think I've gotten through to my parents. Surprisingly I didnt say anything. I just stayed after school untill about 4:30, then once I got home, I left just driving around.

But I digress. I got home, and the big ohio state flordia game was on, so my dad was glued to the TV in our den. my mom didnt bother me once. she asked where I went, I told her about driving around, and made up some story about visiting the mall. and as I left to go up to my room, she stopped me. she said something along the lines of "are you happy?" I just kinda sighed and looked up at her, and told her yea. that was it. we havent seen each other since.

I dont know if its good or bad. I mean. shes my mother. yet, I dont really feel strongly about her. the same with my dad. thats such a strange question to ask. "are you happy" how can you anwser that? I'm happy with certain situations in my life, yes. the guy I'm dating is fantastic, I'm getting ok grades, I am happy. but, with things like, the look on my moms face, when I'm talking about something thats really intersting to me, like going to africa to help with the aids effort, or me being vegitarian. she looks at me like I have 2 heads or something.

I wish we could connect or something. but we're just so different, it gets really frustraiting. because she doesnt want to. I just know shes going to want to re connect sooner or later. but I'm not sure if shes too late. its too late for my dad. about 10 years too late. but she still has a chance. it kills me that she doesnt want to... I donno. mabye I'm second guessing my self too much, and not voicing my true feelings enough to her. but it feels like not one member of my family truely cares about me. they have the normal expected love, but, I cant say for sure if its real. and I cant say for sure if I love them.

Mabye I'm thinking too much

-lizzo
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Monday, January 8, 2007

   jumping off the tops of buildings
Listening to:
Gloria
Acceptance

been dealing with stuff. been loving stuff. Normal really. My exams are comming up this wendsday. I'm not too nervous. I'm pretty good at taking tests. I'm only dreading the open campus. I used to love it, but I'm finding my self dreading nay free time. Mostly because my mother is slowly driving me insane. Shes going through this kind of pre-empty nest syndrome. I told her about me going to college in georgia, and shes already going through withdrawls.

I wish she'd stop. I mean, I love her, she gave birth to me, but much like the other parents of my generation, she found work more important than raising me, so now both she and my father are getting older, and realizing that thier kids childhood was wasted on a nanny, and an expensive house in california. I love my parents, but thier not very good parents. They're more worried about thier work. Not thier kids. And now thier realising it, and trying to regain time thats wasted away, and not truely thiers.

I'm 17. almost 18. I live like I'm a single adult anyway. When I wake up, my parents are at work. When I come home thier at work. they dont come home untill around 7, by then I've already cooked dinner, and made sure my little sisters homework is done. They'll complain about thier day, never asking about mine. Then, its like, my 17th birthday hit, and they realized how old I really am. and how little they know me.

I guess I should be the kind duituful daughter, and go to college at my parents alma matter, marry one of thier friends sons, and waste away in thier home town. but I'd rather live my own life. I don't owe them anything. so, as I see it, I dont need to listen to them. parents or not, they didnt have a large part in raising me other than forking the bill. so when my mom gets all teary eyed, and begs me to stay, I can only look at her with disgust, and ask her what shes honestly done for me.

she doesnt even know me.

*sigh* sorry, so many rants. not enough happy. I promise a nicer update soon. ha ha ha

-lizzo
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