Friday, September 29, 2006

I'm sorry to myself, for treating me worse than I would anybody else..

"Sorry to Myself"-Alanis Morisette. a song made me cry yesterday.. I was lonely and needed someone to be there.. but Silver-sama was busy with work, my friend was busy with work, my brother and dad were out buying a car for my bro, my mom was being a bitch as usual and the groupmembers for the project did nothing but whine to me about deadlines and stress and what to do.. the 'Go Further'-campaign made me tingle. I could use the help of an organisation that offers internships on the West-Coast of the US (everyone from the west coast raise your hand please!) but, it is a lot of money.. even though they help with getting everything settled, you have to pay them, the ticket, your life expenses over there and you're lucky if the company where you work will pay you.. *sigh* I want it so badly, but my family isn't all that rich ya know.. other than that, it was a bad day, while it was supposed to be good.. I wanted to take a week off (the week of the 23th of october) but one of my co-workers has the week off too.. so it's not sure if I can get the week off.. Silver-sama wanted that week and the week after that off, but he still isn't sure either.. I don't think my boss is going to let me go.. I just know it. it's the way my luck has been in the last few months. everytime something seems to go better, they get way worse. the project is hell. everyone is so freaking stressy.. I wish they would listen to me and just take on one thing at a time, look at the things that need to be done in a calm manner and work out what the best way to handle things would be. I can't take any stress at the moment and they just keep loading it up on me.. whenever we need to do something, they immediately want it done, no matter what we're already working on at the moment. and cause I'm the groupleader, they blame me for all the stress.. after a while yesterdaynight I said "screw 'em" and turned off the comp to go and watch some tv. CSI New York. it was good. after that I just hung around behind the comp, hoping to get some talking time with my friend.. didn't get that, but I did get to see the first two eps of Descendants of Darkness. I had already seen the first one, but it's just such a great series ^^ well, I love the manga anyway and the anime looks soooo good ^^ evil Muraki!! makes me want to yell at the screen.. got yelled at for being behind the laptop till 11.30pm. something about the electrics bill and me sleeping during the days.. yeah, I sleep during the day. I take naps. but it's like, I can use all the sleep I can get and if I'm able to sleep for a little while, I will. sleeping pills are getting less effective, still waking up at 3 or 4 am and not being able to get back to sleep.. I hope my parents let me sleep over at Silver-sama's again this saturday. I need his arms around me. I hate his lateshift. we plan on going to play a game of pool, drink some beers and just wind back a little. I hope he will be able to make me relax a bit again. but then again, I'm pretty sure that he can ^^ I'm really glad that my imooto-chan likes her present ^^ I mean, she wrote a post just for me ^^ no one has ever done that I think ^^ *hugs Dranz* as for some comments. you may all work out yourself which one is for you hehe ^^ I don't feel like typing out names.. yes, trust needs to be earned. but I always work from the view that someone will earn my trust. I'm open-minded to them and give everyone a chance. the only things you can be sure of in life are death and taxes. gotta love 'Meet Joe Black'. but yea, being sure about life just isn't possible I think. I try to love myself, but it's just hard. don't worry, I'm working on it ^_~ hehe work is indeed just a few streets away from me ^^' it's about a three minute walk.. yes, JD-kun, you are special too *hug* hehe weirdo ^_~ I'm just not a morning person.. I hate mornings unless they're spend in bed with Silver-sama. glad you like the presents ^^ I'm a tiny little girl.. so I need some help in facing that dark cloud. yes, I'm medicated and I'm not going to quit taking them for a while. I hate them, but they help me. I'm no zombie am I? I'm outta here It's the end of something I did not want to end Beginning of hard times to come. But something that was not meant to be is done And this is the start of what was. it's the part of the song that made me cry.. I'm hopeless..*hugs you all*

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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

You may be mugged if you trust too much, but it will fuck you up more worrying about trust.

"All Goes Out the Window"-The Streets. there were a lot of quotes I wanted to use for this post. but most can be used at other moments. I love this one. it's my life motto. lately, some people have been asking me how I can still let people into my life and heart while I've been hurt alot. I can because I don't lose my trust in other people. even though I might be hurt by others, it doesn't give me a guarantee that someone else would do the same. call me naive, call me stupid, but for me, it's most important to trust people. because if I can't trust people, I can't trust myself. thinking that people will hurt me, before I let them come close, will mean a very lonely life for me. and I want friends. I want those people who I can trust with everything around me. I can't close myself off. yes, I've become more careful over the years, but not completely closed to others. it's not me, ya know. I know I've upset quite some people with my last post and for this I want to apologise. I'm sorry if I scared or worried you guys. but look at it this way, if I really wanted to leave this life, I would've a long time ago, on that bridge. if I wanted, I would've on friday morning. if I wanted, I would've never asked for those pills. I'm not going to leave you guys, you all mean way too much to me. I can't leave this life, I want to see what it has in store for me. even though it might be rough, I want to prove the strong image some people have of me. if you're going through hell, remember to keep going. and I'm not going alone. I have my closest friends and a lot of others to help me through. there are a few things very important to me. trust, as said in the beginning. love, without love, I couldn't go on. I realised a few months ago that without Silver-sama, I would stop living. I might not be dead, but I wouldn't truly live anymore either. he is my all, my heartbeat and my breath. but also, love for my wonderful friends, my family and of course my imooto-chan who to me, is so much more than just a friend. but I have to love myself too. it's in the ten commandments ya know: loving your neighbor you love yourself. and surprisingly enough, it's not the first part that's hard. it's so easy to love others. the hard part is loving yourself. I have stopped to even like myself a long time ago and I need to start loving myself again. and with the help of my friends that I've been getting, I'm sure I will be able to again soon enough. hope, you all know what I mean. if I can't hope anymore, it's no use anymore. I'm not sure of anything in my life. but I can still hope that it will all turn out ok. some people tell me that everything will be ok. and when I ask them how they can be so sure, they answer: I just know. but the truth is, we all just hope that everything will be ok. I love the metaphore of life as a game of poker. cause the beauty of that is, that you can always bluff your way through. you may be dealt a crappy hand, but the others don't need to know that. and for all you know, all the others are bluffing too. I'm a queen of bluff and I intend to overbluff the dealer in this game of life. enough of that. college still sucks. we need to do an inteview for Spanish class and the idiots planned it at 8am. meaning I have to wake up at around 6.30am in order to be at the meeting spot in time. thank goodness my dad can drive me there, or I would have to be walking to the bus at 6am. pah, who needs sleep anyway?! no sleeping pill for me tonight, I can see that. ow well, at least we will get it over with pretty early that way. I intend to skip the one class I have tomorrow. but I am going to school to see what they offer in overseas internships. I have to do two and I'd love to do one in either England or the US. don't know how I would have to fix that with my job though.. I'd probably have to quit or something.. ow well, it's still about a year away ^^ I miss Silver-sama like crazy. but at least we get some time on the phone this week and next week we're probably going to go see Snakes on a Plane (FINALLY!!!!) he's so good for me. makes me want to buy him stuff, but it seems like I'm really broke this time and I'm gonna be lucky if I manage to pay my phone bill next month.. yes, I shop a lot, but it takes its toll hehe ^^' but yes, I needed some retail therapy ^^ work is going alright. I overslept this morning. actually managed to fall asleep after being behind the laptop for a while and woke up around 9.50am. had to be at work at ten. made it there at 10.15. made my boss laugh and thank goodness he wasn't mad at me ^^ the day was ok, but quite tiring. need to do homework now.. bleh.. but it has to be done this time. I'm outta here

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Monday, September 25, 2006

Do you remember telling me, you'd found the sweetest thing of all, you said one day of this was worth dieing for. So be thankful, you knew her at all...

"See the Sun"-Dido I adore this song. (if you don't wish to read the sappy, whiny, sad stuff, skip to the next bolded piece of text.) no regrets. that's how I'd like to live my life. but lately, my head has been filled with what-if-scenario's and questions and things I still want to say and do. the past can't be changed, all that can be done from it is learn. mistakes have been made, feelings have been hurt, friendships were found and lost the way they came. people have walked in and out of my life for the past few years and a lot of them left footsteps in my heart. most painful,but some I remember with a loving smile on my face. the friend who left is one of those last few. I've been through any kind of emotion in the past few days. I've been denying it, I've been angry, I've been sad and I've been asking questions. thanks to the sleeping pills and a whole lot of attention from Silver-sama I pulled it through last week and the weekend. I'm going to be very open with you guys. on friday morning, I found myself sitting in the kitchen with a knife in my hands. but I couldn't. I didn't want to. all I could think is that I have too much to live for. the last words of my friend to me were: there is always hope. it's the last I've heard from him, but they were probably the words that also picked me up the most. I remembered how I hoped his girlfriend would forgive me for hurting her. I did not know I did and I wasn't given time to make it better. I know that it was also hard for him to leave. but I'm starting to accept the fact that he's gone. I'm not checking my email and phone and site as often as I did in the last few days. and I've started to understand, that as long as he isn't contacting me, he can be happy with his girlfriend and not worry about losing her. I'd do anything to make my friends happy. so if me being out of his life means that he can be happy, I will. it's worth the sacrifice. and there is always hope. it still sucks though *crooked smile* no regrets. I'm going to look back on our friendship with that loving smile and remember the way he was there for me, how he was able to cheer me up (damn, I'm going to miss the stories about his camel Humpy and his funny accents..), what we went through and what we talked about. it was probably the most random friend I ever had and it feels like we've been through a lifetime friendship within a few months. he's still my friend. he still owns a little piece in my heart like most of you do. and that piece will be there for him when he can return. until then, by this means, I want to wish him and his girlfriend all the luck and happyness and joy and love in the world. be good to each other. make each other happy. I know I have no right to ask anything, but this is what I want for you guys most in the world. no regrets, this post won't be deleted. it is the last I will say about this though, cause it's time to move on and live my own life and remember the good times, because with time, the bad times will scar over and won't be seen or thought of as much. time doesn't heal all wounds, but it can cover them in good memories and make it hurt less. no regrets of this weekend either. (this is the turning point of this post. from here, it will be about daily life, addictions and other random stuff again) on thursday, school was a good way to be distracted, cause the project is running into deadlines and problems already. I bought myself some earrings and stuff and I bought my imooto-chan the first part of her belated birthday present. also I bought Silver-sama a new watch as a present, cause his old one was starting to rot away a little hehe.. or was that wednesday.. no that was wednesday, sorry guys ^^' he loves it by the way! on friday, I skipped school and didn't feel like doing anything. stayed in bed till around three pm and then started to do some work. can't remember what though. I worked in the evening and had a lot of fun messing around with one of my co-workers. and after his dinner with work, Silver-sama came to my place. we talked with Grifter-san via the webcam for a while, while I was packing my stuff for the weekend. it was great fun, though Grifter-san was hard to hear at times.. then, I went with Silver-sama to his house and spend the night. slept horribly but at least it was in his arms. on saturday we spend the biggest part of the morning in bed and in the afternoon we went shopping. I bought a new coat for the winter that I totally adore and (finally) I bought new shoes. yeah, you read it correctly, SHOES!!! they're skating shoes and they're sooooo comfy ^^ black with a little white in them ^^ also I bought some more stuff for myself and the second part of my imooto-chan's present ^^ (I really hope you like it, Magnus!!) and I bought the first two manga's of 'A.I. Love You' yet another series of Ken Akamatsu, the creator of 'Love Hina' and 'Negima'. also I bough the third and fourth volume of the Love Hina manga. and I ordered 'My Neighbor Totoro', that should come in next week. Silver ordered the first volume of 'Girls Bravo' for me, I've been wanting to try a lot new series. while on that topic, I've been interested in Yuri lately. yeah I know, I'm weird. naw, I'm just really curious, so I'd like to ask you guys if you got any good series for me. just leave the name of the series in your comment please ^^ (if you don't know what yuri is, it's girlxgirl relationships, so the opposite of yaoi hehe ^^) lets see, did I buy anything else.. not that I can remember.. Silver bought himself a wrestling dvd and the game Tenchu (thank you Ojike for recommending that one!!) though we haven't gotten to play it yet. and he bought me a really lovely ring ^^ it has a really cool tribal band all around it and I simply love it ^^ after dinner we went to the huge electronics store and he bought the new Tekken for his PSP. he actually got the game from his parents for his birthday ^^ we gave them a frying pan YAY ^^ he also bought the 7th Pokemon movie and The Crow 2. I can't really remember what we did in the evening. I think it was mostly me crying again and us watching some tv. I took a sleeping pill and slept much better that night, still in his arms ^^. on sunday morning, I turned all my frustration and anger and other feelings into energy and cleaned up his room. I think he was kind of scared of me hehe ^^ sorry honey, but it had to be done! remember to do your paperwork too!! and wash your car hehe ^^ then we had some breakfast and he went and cleaned out the rabit cage, while I took their dog for a walk. now, as most of you know, I'm not big on dogs, they annoy me most of the time (give me a cat any day, they don't need as much attention!) but this one is just so stupid and fat and weird that it's ok to be around. though I really don't like him jumping up against me. so we walked a long round and the stupid dog actually listened to me ^^ and when I got back, Silver-sama was almost done with the rabit cage ^^ then I played some Red Ninja. had Silver-sama beat the annoying boss for me hehe. thank you once again honey *long hug* I'm actually getting the hang of the controls and I still adore the game, though the bosses are kind of hard to beat if you don't know what to do to them. thank god for walkthroughs eh? later on we went to my house, watched the Pokemon movie, I slept through the end.. all that energy made me tired. in the evening we had our usual routine, meaning we watched some Mythbusters and Bones. and after a lot of cuddling and hugging (I won't go into the details) it was time for him to leave again. I slept a bit better than fridaynight without a sleeping pill, but it still could've been better. today, I skipped school again, with a more legit reason this time: I couldn't actually get to the builing. there was a strike in the public transport, meaning I could go as far as my bus or the train would take me, but not actually into Rotterdam. well, I could get there, but I would have to walk through a town in which I get lost if I take the wrong exit from the metro station.. and since I only had one hour of school, I figured, why bother? so today was spend doing some grocery shopping for my mom, bothering the music store guy about my ordered dvd, making homework, writing back to my imooto-chan and waiting in the postoffice till it was my turn. it was a pretty good day even though it couldn't be spend with Silver-sama. tomorrow it will be school again.. and work, kinda nervous cause I'll be the boss then hehe.. we're short on people again, so I have to close shop and work the evening with someone from another store.. all responsibility on me.. but I'll be alright. no regrets, this turned out to be another monster post, I had a lot to say though ^^ I'll let you guys go, even though I still think I should ask for ransom at the beginning of my posts.. I'm outta here *hugs you all*

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Friday, September 22, 2006

Never say forever cause nothing lasts

the Foo Fighters, can't remember the name of the song. ok, new post, cause I know the one I wrote before wasn't supposed to be on here. thank you Yensid-sensei for making that clear to me ^^ I just ask of you all to not think bad about Ran-chan or his girlfriend. I know I've cause a lot of trouble for them both and that is why he has to leave now. she is the most important person in his life and like I always told him, that's the way it should be. he may be out of my life for now, but I am going to keep hoping that one day he will send me that email asking me if I'd like to talk again. cause I know what a wonderful person he is and he kept telling me what a wonderful person his gf is, so I am sure that she can one day forgive me. I know I need to give them time so that is what I will do. but there will always be an open place in my heart for him. he is still my friend even though he has more important people to care for. I know that it was hard on him too to leave and I now understand that he has to do this in order to find his true happiness. I'm going into too personal affairs again. I've been crying a lot, but that's natural right? losing a friend is not something to take lightly and I for one know that like no one else. it's hard enough to find friends like that and to then lose them that quickly after finding them.. it hurts, but I also know that it hurts him. I got to go to Silver-sama yesterday, so he was able to comfort me and be there for me. of him I can also be sure that he will always be there for me ^^ he is my all and without him I really wouldn't be able to go on. my cat has been running around me all day too. licking me and trying to cuddle with me. but I know she is just trying to get some food.(she's not going to get any cause she's way too fat already.. she's on a diet hehe ^^) I don't really know what to say.. don't worry too much about me, I still have some wonderful friends who I can talk to and who care for me a lot. the opening for best friend will stay open for a while longer though. it's reserved for someone special ^^ I think that in a few days I will be back to my normal self. well, as far as you can call that normal anyway. still loving Red Ninja, though some parts are soooo difficult.. I'm outta here ps:I know, this post still isn't very appropriate. I'm sorry, if you don't want to comment, please don't, it's ok ^^ *hugs you all*

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Thursday, September 21, 2006

   a great loss

no song. this will be short. I'm pretty much crying my eyes out right now. I have just lost my best friend in the world. not my boyfriend. that's different, he's my soulmate *hugs Silver-sama* he said he wanted to be friends forever with me and that he wasn't like all the other ones who abadoned me. and he was. during this summer, during some of the hardest times in my life he was there for me. he was always there to talk to and he always had some sort of advice ready for me. but this morning, when I woke up and turned on my laptop and expected to see a nice email returned from the one I send him all I saw was the title. 'a broken promise' it made me want to delete the message immediately cause I knew what would be in it. no that's not true, it was much worse. he said he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. he won't contact me anymore and he doesn't want me to do so either. his friendship with me is causing his relationship too much pain. so he feels that he has to leave. and I understand. and I'm not angry at him or his girlfriend. they deserve each other and the happiness they found together so bad. I'm angry at myself. for believing his words when he told me he wanted to be my friend for a really long time. when he told me he wouldn't abandon me like so many others did before him. he got angry at me whenever I doubted our friendship. but I didn't doubt him, I doubted my own abilities to be a good friend to anyone. I tried so hard. I did everything in my power not to hurt his relationship more than I already did. but it was all in vain. yet another friend lost, my best friend even. I promised him not to mention him anymore in my posts. but how can I ignore this. how can I not explain to my other friends here on TheO why I'm going to be sad again for a really long time. I guess Bon Jovi was right after all: this world will never give you something it can't take away. I think he still owes me some ICP songs.. guess I'll never get them. Ran-chan, I'm going to miss you like crazy. but I understand your decision and it's ok. like I said so many times before: go get your happiness. make Harley happy, I know she can make you the happiest man in the world. I promised not to mention you guys, but there are still so many things I want to say and ask and talk over. I'll never forget what our friendship did for me and meant for me. I'll never forget you or how much I love you. you really were my best friend. you still owe me a hug Ran-chan. I'm outta here. ps: sorry you guys for bothering you all with this.. guess it did get longer than expected. pps: there's an opening for my best friend in the whole world I guess. anyone?

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Monday, September 18, 2006

   DAMN I wish I could be a ninja

"Ninja"-ICP speaking of Ninja's, I'm addicted to Red Ninja ^^ I've read some reviews to it and they're horrible.. people really don't seem to like this game but I adore it even though it annoys me so badly at times ^^' that makes no sense, but let me try to explain. let me start with the annoyance. some parts are almost impossible to get through.. I can't wall-run whatsoever. I couldn't wall-run if my life depended on it if you ask me ^^' so I make Silver-sama do those parts for me most of the time. then there's the camera. that just plain sucks cause it always gets itself right at the point that you don't want it at, so you can't see anything. it can however be positioned so that you can see all of her unmentionables hehe.. yeah I'm a perv, I know ^^' and then there was something else, but I forgot hehe ^^' EDIT: oh yeah, that's right, the controls are kinda hard. it's nearly impossible to walk straight hehe.. and now, for the things I love ^^ did I mention you can slice your enemies in half, cut their heads or legs off and seduce them into coming closer so that you can stab their throats? I probably did a thousand times already but YAY!!! I love it.. but at the same time it's kinda disturbing that I like doing that.. also I love it that my button-smashing-technique pays off in this game ^^ well, that is as long as I smash the right button hehe ^^' and I love her weapon, the tetsugen. basically, it's a dagger on a string ^^ so this means that I get to throw it at guards from a distance and then, when it's stuck in them, run around slicing the other guards in half hehe ^^ yeah, I'm a sadistic b!tch, but it really is a wonderful way to let off steam and frustration and get some adrenaline running ^^ I mean, it's way better that I rip off some heads in a video game than that I start hitting people for real ^^ ok, personal life stuff: the weekend was good. I'm completely over my flu though I'm still sniffling a bit now and then. Silver-sama stayed over here for the weekend so on sunday morning I got to crawl into bed with him, well, crawl onto the matress on the floor and under the sleeping bag, but still YAY ^^ had some nice hours of sleep in his arms too ^^ on saturday we went for a bit of a walk. I bought myself yet another book ^^ and I ordered the latest one of Preston&Child ^^ and I bought Silver-sama a wrestling DVD as a present!! YAY!! he really liked it hehe ^^ oh that's right, on friday, I bought myself Pink's latest cd, a live cd of Evanescense and a cd of Veldhuis&Kemper (dutch comedians but they make the most beautiful songs!!!) also, Silver-sama brought me my order from Archonia.com. as it turned out, they're waiting for Loveless to get reprinted, so that might take a while. so I cancelled that one out of my order and put in Gatcha Gacha volume 2 instead ^^ so now I can finally watch Descendants of Darkness ^^ which is a good thing, cause I finished Kiddy Grade two weeks ago ^^ right now, my basket is filled with yaoi YUM!!! but I'm going to wait with ordering until the complete collection dvd box of Comic Party comes out ^^ cause that looked pretty interesting too, so I want it hehe. back to the weekend. we didn't do much on saturday, just hang around and watch some tv ^^ and sunday, I spend most of the day trying to finish my homework and Silver-sama watched the Pokemon marathon that was on hehe ^^ and he played some Magna Carta ^^ and when my homework was finally done (it was evening by then) I played some Red Ninja, we watched Bones and then I played Red Ninja until I got to a saving point ^^ and then it was time for Silver-sama to go T_T the pills seem to be working. the sleeping pills that is. I'm averaging about six to seven hours of sleep every night and it's really paying off! I'm feeling a bit better and I'm starting to think that my sleeping problems were also a huge cause of my problems. but I'm still going to try the anti depressives for at least a month, cause I still feel pretty sad all the time.. but at least now I get a lot more rest. even though the sleeping pills make me really drowsy and sleepy during the day too, I'm going to keep taking them. not every day cause I really don't want to become dependant on them. also, even though I still got those darned headaches, I stopped taking painkillers. in combination with the sleeping pills they made me feel too weird. school today was ok. nothing much to report on that front except for the fact that with a bit of luck tomorrow could be the last schoolday of the week. a lot of classes are getting cancelled because of teachers being sick or out of the country. just one class has to be moved to tomorrow and then it should be over. but we'll see ^^ that's it from me ^^ some Red Ninja pics just cause I love it so much ^^ I'm outta here

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Thursday, September 14, 2006

   I can't make sense of anything, I can't make friends with anyone, I don't get anything at all... It doesn't matter anymore

"I don't get it"-LIT ok guys, HUGE change of plans!!!! yeah yeah I know, I had the emo goodbye post and all, but the last few days have been hell. and they have been hell even more so cause I can't come around to you guys and see how you are doing worse than me!! naw just kidding people ^^ I have to be completely honest with you guys. I think I'm addicted.. I'm addicted to this place and the friends I've made here. what I've missed most is coming on here and seeing all the wonderful comments to my completely useless ramblings and just getting advice and comments just saying that you guys hope I'm going to be ok and telling me that everything will be ok. I wanted to stay away for at least a week.. I didn't last more than a few days.. BUT! there are going to be some changes. first off, shorter comments and sometimes I might not read the complete post. shorter and probably less personal posts. though I'm not going to guarantee that cause you guys know me, I like to talk about myself. also, if I don't feel like visiting someone, I'm not gonna. easy as pie, I'm not going to do anything I don't feel like doing cause that would mean that I stop living for my happiness and that's not what's going to happen. lets see.. what else.. no more greeting of the day. it takes me way too fucking long to find them lately with the new system and all.. it just annoys me ^^ ok, something about myself.. I'm currently on three different pills, cause the flu kinda made it necessary (I could never spell that word) for me to also take painkillers against the headaches. what I didn't know the first time, is that the painkillers kinda clash with the sleeping pills..it's NOT recommendable, so don't try it at home. the pills make me drowsy but I basically get hyper at the same time.. so I get really vague.. another fun fact, a side effect of the anti deps is that they can make the depression worse at first. add some downers (sleepy pills and painkillers) and you got a drowsy, hyper, depressed Lytjuh. YAY pillcocktail *starts crying* like that. (not really crying) so I'm having lots of breakdowns and I really just want to talk to someone I can truly trust.. ow well, I've gotten used to not being able to talk to someone all the time whenever I want to, so I can wait. sleeping pills by the way, not really working.. but I am averaging over three hours a night now (more like five right now) so I guess it is an improvement. as for the flu, it's almost gone, I lost three kilograms in about four days cause I've hardly eaten a thing.. and even if I ate something.. well, you get the idea ^^ wednesday evening was the first time I took solid food and kept it down since sunday O_o so yeah.. my legs and arms and basically whole body is shaky, but I'm forcing myself back to school tomorrow. I'll probably have to pop around work to tell them I'm better too. so school tomorrow, thank goodness it's only going to be a couple of classes, cause I really don't want to face those people... I'm gonna have to front all day YAY!! must recharge my acting skills!! though I feel like I failed some people by coming back here, I think it's the best option for now. I want to be here. not all the time, not every day (though I probably will be hehe ^^') you guys are the best and I LOVED all the comments to the last post ^^ hell, I love you guys *hugs you all* this place to me is no replacement or escape from reality or the real world. it's a part of it. the friends I've made and the feelings expressed on here are just as real as the people on the sidewalk outside my window and as the tears I've been shedding the last couple weeks. it's all real, it's all ment, it's just not face to face. so watch out TheO, I'm back and this time, there's no way of knowing what will come next! BRING IT ON!!!

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Monday, September 11, 2006

   Friends don't come eaily and this I know and every time I make one, they always say they gotta go...

"bowling balls"-ICP well, my friends, like many of the people on my friends list, this will probably be my last post for the time being. don't worry, I'm not going to delete my account, so you can still PM me and such. but, if you really wish to contact me, it'd be better if you did by email, cause I'll be checking that more often. I've made a lot of wonderful friends on here and I will never forget all of your kind words. it's hard for me to say, but it might be better for me to live in the real world for a while. I won't be posting and commenting anymore for a while, but I really want to keep my account active for communication and perhaps one day a return visit. besides, just cause I'm not commenting won't mean that I won't be around at all anymore. I'll still drop by your sites from time to time to check and see how you guys are doing! but lately this site has mostly served as a communication channel between me and some of my closest friends and now, as one of them is also leaving this place (I'll really miss you Ran-chan, but you were so right! live for your girl and the happiness she gives you!) I think it is time for me to spread my wings too. it will probably be tough to stay away from this place, but I also need to learn to let go of the computer and internet. cause I've been starting to see that sitting in front of this screen, just sitting and waiting to see if someone will show up or not is not the best way to live one's life. I should catch up on my reading or something like that.. besides, right now, it's time for me to take my own advice and start living for my own happiness. depression has made me see that.. that and the speeches of Ran-chan hehe ^^' also, I've decided to learn from my two best friends.. one has a wife and a job and is doing fine without lots of internet and the other has found the girl of his dreams and is going to do anything in his power to make her the happiest woman in the world. they made me see that it is important to focus more on the people who are close to you. it's not that I don't see you guys as friends, it's just that I should try and find someone who can be there for me in a different way than digitally. besides, I need to focus on my own relationship. I'm probably making no sense at all, but I think that's because I'm pretty high on painkillers at the moment.. to top all my crappy feelings of, I got the flu.. so my head is filled with thoughts and ickyness and feels like it's ready to explode, plus I haven't got anything in my stomach except for 3 pieces of apple,some water and a painkiller.. woo... as for my depression, I went to the docs today and I was so fucking scared.. but Silvereagle-sama was there for me (he just left cause he had to go to work at some point..) the doc kind of still wants me to see a therapist, but I feel like it won't help me whatsoever. so I got pills. with the promise of also trying to find out what might be some cause of my feeling like crap all the time. I got anti-depressives and sleeping pills.. the last ones scare me, but I know that if I use them wisely things should at least get a little better. in three weeks I have to go back to the doc to see if it has had any effect already, though it usually takes anti-depressives about four weeks to start working. these pills are also a reason I'm going to cut back on my time on the computer. for one, I need at least seven hours of sleep using the sleeping pills and I'll probably feel pretty drowsy due to both of the pills. it's going to be hard to find something else to do, but I do know that it will help in my mental and physical condition. in the meantime I've got Red Ninja to keep me busy in the weekends and school will probably be flooding me soon so the weeks are filled too ^^" I also plan to spend more time with Silver-sama. Ran-chan made me see that it's pretty damn ridiculous that we've accepted the fact that we can only see each other over the weekends.. so we're going to at least try to have an evening or two together when Silver-sama has the day shift ^^ now, just to give you guys something to serve as a going away present, I will ramble about Red Ninja!! at first the game was annoying the crap out of me because I couldn't even get through the tutorial.. but I'm starting to get the hang of the controls now and my button-smashing habit is paying too ^^ it's my very first own PS2 game and seeing how I don't own a PS2 I can only play it at Silver-sama's or when he takes the thing over to my place (like he did on sunday, thank you honey ^^) what I like most about the game right now is the fact that you can slice and dice your opponents. *huge grin* I loved it when I figured out how to not only slice them in halve, but also learned how to decapitate them or cut their legs off. then move the body out of sight and start playing soccer with the heads ^^ it's also pretty darn funny that the guys stay standing and swaying for a while after you've ripped their heads off ^^ blood spraying all around while you watch their bodies drop.. yeah, I'm a sadistic little bitch and I always will be hehe ^^' the stealth kills are pretty cool too, if they work that is! but I can definetely see why it's a game for 18 years and older hehe ^^' I mean, a close up view of a cute girl (in a way too short dress by the way, great for the action 'seduce') slicing through the throat of a guy and then seeing the blood spray all over is not something I'd like to show my kids as long as their under aged ^^' as for the action 'seduce', it looks pretty silly, hardly ever works, but it sure is fun to see the guards fall for it hehe ^^ I haven't played that much of it, but I'm certainly enjoying myself while I do! so there you have it, my goodbye post to you guys. but remember, just cause you can't see me, doesn't mean I'm not still there, so feel free to send me PM's and emails if you'd like and I'll be sure to respond to them as soon as I can! I'll be watching you guys from the sidelines and you guys will never be far from my heart! *long hugs to everyone* I'm outta here for sure sayonara

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Saturday, September 9, 2006

Everything you say can and will be used against you!

that's not a song, but everyone should have their rights read to them at birth if you ask me. I've come to understand why some people prefer not to post about their personal lives. the things I say in my posts are for my friends, so that they know what is going on with me in my life and how I feel. so when I post about me and my possible growing drinking problem, I don't expect someone to start bitching about it and me in their own posts. I say this right now, if you have any problem with me or with the things I say in my posts, contact me, let me know so that I can work on it, so that I can become a better friend and a better person.. I'm sorry but I need to let at least this out. I promised not to say anything, cause it might harm the friendship with a very dear friend of mine, but it's not fair that I don't get the chance to vent in my own blog and someone else does.. this is my first and only direct attack at that person in my blog although this person might state otherwise. I wasn't aware if I did before and I apologise once again. the depression is getting worse. more shitty things happened and I have to watch my every word. in conversations, texts and blogs like this.. and it's breaking me. I've been fighting this feeling for over three years now and this last week I've felt a change. my body, my mind, I'm giving up.. I can't take things anymore.. I'm sick of myself and of this feeling. it's like I'm going crazy, like I itch on the inside of my body and I need to somehow open my skin to get it out. it's been hard holding myself back. friday morning felt like I needed to hurt myself in order to see if I could still feel anything. don't worry, I was still strong enough to hold these feelings back and I didn't do anything to myself. but I do need help, fast. so I skipped a class and decided to go to Silvereagle-sama early. I know that he can't help in making this feeling go away or it would've been gone a long time ago. but he does help in protecting me against myself. he does let me get the tears and the screams out that have been piling up inside of me. he listens to my ramblings and he tells me that everything will be alright. and right now, he's the only support I got. I know, I have my friends online (this goes out to you guys Grifter-san and Ran-chan, you're the best *hugs you both*) but they can't hold me like Silver-sama can. during the week, these three guys are my biggest support and they help me keep what's left of my sanity. the worst part right now is the not knowing. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what can be done to make this feeling go away. I don't know if it's going to get better soon. I don't know what the future holds for me right now and my worries are growing to ridiculous proportions. I've pretty much accepted the fact that I might have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life. I'm ok with that now, even though I hate the idea of being dependant on a pill for happiness. but my main worry right now is: what if pills won't work? what if my last resort isn't going to do a freaking thing? it's frustrating not to know and all I can do is hope and pray that it will work. it has to work. I just skipped out on dinner here at Silver's cause I was basically crying at the table.. his parents don't know what's going on so now his mom thinks I've got annorexia or whatever.. she's a sweetheart, she really is. the main reason I'm still around on this planet is the fact that so many people show their concern. that so many people show that they care about me and that they want me around. life has been throwing a lot of shit at me and I only got through this because some of my friends decided to jump in front of me and take part of the problems in their hands. I've lost a lot of friends in the past few months. but now I also know who I can depend on. who will stick by me and who will be able to aid me in advice and fighting power. things are tough right now, but I hope to have some sort of solution on monday. it now all depends on that doctors appointment. until then, I have Silver-sama by my side and my dear friends in my heart. even though we are thousands of miles apart, I know that their thoughts are with me and I know that I'm in their prayers and I thank you guys from the bottom of my heart for this. without all of you, I would never have made it this far and for all of you, I'm going to make it even further. I will not let all your support and love and kind words go to waste. somewhat happier stuff as for my USA trip. I'm trying to get the motivation back. but I will not go before I know for sure that I get to visit my dear friends! it might be my only chance to ever go to the States and it will be a waste to go and not meet all of the people I want to meet so desperately. so far I'd love to meet Yensid-sensei, Ran-chan, JD-kun and Grifter-san (if that's ok..). it will probably mean a whole lot of traveling around, so I will need lots of time and money. I've complained to Archonia.com about the time I've been waiting for my order now. still haven't gotten a reply though. I've tried to order some stuff from Hatchergear.com. as I said, Messenger Bag, Dog Tag and Violent J's book. only problem, I used Silvereagle-sama's creditcard and my own name for the order, so it came up as an error in the Adress Verification System. so it might take about seven business days to get that one solved. but I will get my shit! I bought a game for the ps2. I don't own one myself but Silver-same has got one, so I can play it here. it's Red Ninja and it looks pretty cool. only thing is, it's been bothering the heck out of me already cause I can't get past the second test in the tutorial.. I blame my inexperience with the controls, seeing how I only sometimes played Final Fantasy and Jade Cocoon on that thing ^^' for Silver-sama I bought Magna Carta as part of a payment for the huge loan I've got standing out with him. in return he bought me a stand up comedy dvd. he's so sweet and I wouldn't know what to do without him. well, this turned out to be a pretty sappy post.. my apologies for bothering you all with my mental problems. this is not a cry for help or pity or anything like that. this is me, explaining to my friends what's going on with me and how I feel. it's important to me, you guys mean so much to me. *hugs you all* now I have to lie down and sleep for a bit or something, cause my head is killing me and I feel a bit sick. I've decided to just let my hate for pills go for a while and just take a painkiller when I feel bad. and thank goodness, it's working. no greeting of the day, I don't feel up to searching for it. Cue the cheesy inspirational music. I love you guys, I just want you to know that. I thank you guys so much for being here for me and letting me know that you all care. don't worry too much about me, with the help I've been getting things should be getting better. the fact of life is just that generally things get worse before they indeed do get better. but judging by how I've been feeling this week, things are going to get better pretty quick. have a lovely weekend you all and remember to enjoy every second of your lives. every moment with your loved ones, no matter what anybody says. remember to enjoy every part of life and learn from the bad things that happen to you. the first priority in anyones life should be the happyness of themselves and the people around them. and if you have someone who gives you that happiness, please remember to keep them as close to you as possible and let them know how happy they make you. dammit, I'm turning inspirational and teary again.. gotta go sleep now *one last hug for everyone* I'm outta here!

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Tuesday, September 5, 2006

I smile a lot, but I'm always frontin'

"In my room"-ICP a lot of crappy stuff happened. I'm not going to go into details, but it means that I had about two hours of sleep last night and my plans for the US trip are going into the fridge. I guess I could still save money for it, but the motivation is just gone at the moment. it also made me realise that I had to see the doctor again.. I've been sinking back into an old depression for a few months now and I'm sick of myself. I don't want to be sad all the time when there's no reason to be so. I spend most of my days crying, if not over nothing, it's cause of the tiniest little problem or worry. and I just can't go on like this. I'm starting to get physically sick cause I hardly sleep and it seems like I can't really enjoy anything.. the doc said that he doesn't really know why it is.. I've been like this for over three years now.. he asked me if I wanted to go back into therapy. I'd rather not. that stuff didn't help me at all, I just wanted to get the hell out of there.. so now, it's bloodtest time again.. the doc first wants to check if my being tired isn't caused by anything in my blood. so tomorrow morning I'll be going to the clinic thingy or whatever and get that checked out. on monday I have to make a new appointment with the doc to discuss the results and possible next steps. if this all isn't caused by something in my blood, it's most likely that I miss some sort of chemical substance in my brain.. some sort of hormone or whatever that my head doesn't produce.. there are ways to help that, but it also means that I would have to be on pills for the rest of my life.. for a nineteen year old, that isn't really the most fun prospective.. but then again, I don't plan on crying every day for the rest of my life, so taking some pills shouldn't be too big a sacrifice. I just want to enjoy my life again. it's not like I want to die, it just feels like I can't enjoy or look forward to anything.. I bought some manga to try and cheer myself up.. -School Rumble volume 3, I really like this series, even though it's a bit chaotic because of the different drawing styles used. I saw a bit of the anime last week and when I get the time, I'll be sure to watch some more of it. -Trigun volume 2, it's huge, just like volume one. good. -Descendants of Darkness volume 7 and 8. I can't help but love it.. I should send an email to Archonia asking where my Loveless is.. it's still out of stock (I've been waiting for about6 or 7 weeks now..) and as long as it doesn't get restocked, I ain't getting my DoD dvd box.. I think I know what I want to order from Hatchetgear.com. I really want the messenger bag, a dog tag and Violent J's book. that amounts to about 87 bucks, including shipping costs. it's kind of ridiculous to me, but they charge 20 bucks extra (so ON TOP of the normal shipping costs) for any order outside of North America.. way to work on your fanbase.. ow well, it isn't going to stop me from ordering. enough whining, I'll keep you guys posted on the outcome of things. greeting of the day: I'm outta here.

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