Monday, January 22, 2007

   fearless?

I most certainly am not, more on that in the post. time: 10.27-11.45 am CET mood: I just woke up, so it could go any way from here, right now, it's not to bad.. lets keep it on.. worried. physical condition: fine ^^ manga: Fullmetal Alchemist volume 10 (over the weekend I've read: Ranma 1/2 36, Battle Vixens 3, XXX Holic 8 and I think that's it ^^) song: the Totoro song ^^ weather: o glorious rain ^^ (they predicted snow this week.. SNOW! can't have that now, so I'm more than happy with rain ^^) hey guys ^^ I'm back from a lovely weekend and I hope you all had a great time too ^^ midterms start today, so I don't have much school ^^ just a bit too bad that today's test is at 2.30pm, gives me very little afternoon.. ow well ^^ I've got a test today, tomorrow, the day after that and friday. I'll live, it's english, knowledge, spanish and casus.. in chronological order *twirls* I seem to have loads of energy.. I just woke up ^^ had two sleeping pills last night to make sure that I sleep at all.. on to my weekend ^^ friday was extremely good ^^ loads of stuff has been bought, mostly by Silver-sama ^^ he gave me so many presents *squeel* list: what Silver-sama bought for me: - Ah! My Goddess manga volume 1 - Saikano manga volume 4 and 5 - Battle Vixens manga volume 3 - Fullmetal Alchemist manga volume 10 - Chibi Vampire manga volume 2 - book: Japan (I'd read something about it on the internet and it sounded really interesting. it's a collection of different writers who went to Japan and their experiences there..) - FLCL manga volume 2 - My Neighbor Totoro DVD - JELLIEBEANS WOOOOOOOOT!!!! - book: 101 questions from your cat - book: how to train your cat in ten minutes a day what I bought for myself (couldn't resist ^^"): - Sakura Wars the Movie DVD - the first season of Coupling on DVD (the original english version, I love that series ^^) - a ring with a dragon emblem thingy on it - new hairsticks - an adorable click-on watch with a kitty on it. too bad it doesn't work *kicks it* so now, we're both pretty much broke.. ow well, we're having loads of fun with our new stuff YAY ^^ we spend most of the day in Rotterdam, just walking around, shopping and just plain enjoying ourselves ^^ when we got home in the evening, I packed my stuff to go to his place and we left my house. at his house, we didn't really do much, just hang around, I was tired as hell, so I just watched tv and then went to bed. on saturday, nothing much happened either. I think I slept till.. what, 3pm? *looks at Silver-sama* not sure, but I slept a lot.. in the evening we went out to eat. together ^^ for the very first time ^^ that is, in an actual restaurant and not some fastfood place ^^ we went to a chinese restaurant that got some good references.. it was indeed a very nice place, friendly personell, you get your food really fast, it wasn't really expensive. just too bad that the food felt like you were chewing on a wet sponge -_-' it had taste, just no structure at all.. it was just squishy.. so we didn't eat too much.. but when we left, I did get a cute little mirror with a nice chinese motif on it and I nicked a pair of chopsticks.. couldn't help myself.. don't worry they got loads of 'em and they're just bamboo sticks that you have to break and that will be thrown away after you use them ^^ when we got home, I first lay down for a bit, since I didn't feel too good.. still a lack of sleep >_< Silver-sama watched tv and read some manga. at 11 I got out of bed again and joined Silver on the couch to watch a program on 'El Chupacabra'. as some (I think most) of you guys know by now, I'm addicted to crypto-zoölogy and mythical creatures ^^ to me, Nessie is most certainly real, BigFoot.. meh, don't really care about him, Aliens are a big possibility, Mothman.. he scares the crap outta me.. still don't really know why, he's just.. freaky *shivers* and El Chupacabra is one of my favorites ^^ I definitely think that it could be real ^^ just not sure what it might be or where the hell it came from.. after that, we just flipped channels for a bit and went to bed. sunday.. one of my laziest days ever.. I slept for a really long time.. so long that it even got a bit annoying for Silver-sama.. when I eventually really woke up, he was gone and I was like: 'Where is he? *sob sob*' but when I went downstairs, he just walked in with the dog. I hate waking up without him and not knowing where he is.. we didn't do much again. when I finally had some breakfast, I went back to bed.. I had so little energy *sigh* I had wanted to go to my house at around 2pm, but when Silver woke me up at 1.30, I told him 'screw it', turned over and went back to sleep. finally, at 3.30 I was awake enough to get out of bed. Silver scared the heck out of me.. we were in the shower together and he said he felt kind of dizzy, so he leaned back against the wall. that wasn't anything out of the ordinary, happens all the time, so I didn't really pay much attention to it and kept playing with the cap of the soapbottle.. until I say him slowly slipping away.. I kept screaming his name and he wouldn't react, he just stood there, shaking.. I tried to hold him up, tried to keep him awake, but I couldn't.. I couldn't protect him, I couldn't keep him from fainting or falling.. all of a sudden he fell and I tried so hard, but I couldn't keep him up.. I tried.. I couldn't.. I kept screaming his name at him the whole time and he wouldn't react.. I panicked, I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to protect him. everything went so fast.. I guess I turned the shower off out of instinct.. I vaguely remembered something about softly slapping the face to wake him up so I did, all the while screaming his name.. when he finally came to, he looked at me with googly, froggy eyes and said: 'yeah?' like I had just woken him up out of a bad dream.. I think that was the scariest out of the whole experience, cause he was looking at me all the time when he was down and it took him so long to react.. it took him a while to see that he was on the floor with a crying girlfriend leaning over him with probably my most worried face ever.. all I could do was cry.. I felt as if I had failed him.. I was in shock cause I couldn't protect him from harm.. so the first thing he had to do after he came to, was comfort me and tell me that everything was alright now.. I was in shock and he was actually doing fine *laughs* so you guys don't have to worry about him, he just got overwhelmed.. but I was so scared of losing him.. the one person, the one reason I've kept going and haven't given up yet.. he truly is the air I breathe, the earth I walk on, the hand to hold me up when things get tough.. I was so scared to lose him.. the one person I love.. I was so relieved when he told me he was doing fine. in the end, I was feeling worse than he was.. I was shaking and I guess I was just really confused.. so I kicked him out of the shower and washed the feeling off of me. after that, I felt a lot better too and we finally headed to my house. at my place, we watched Totoro and I have to say, it has got to be the cutest movie I have EVER seen! I really really loved it ^^ especially the CatBus ^^ too funny hehe ^^ and the Soot Spreaders have got to be the creatures I love most ^^ I already loved them in Spirited Away, where they had a slightly bigger role ^^ and of course we watched Bones. I hate the new lady slightly less, I guess I feel along with the character of Brennan and I will slowly grow into liking her.. but I kept annoying Silver with the fact that she was threatening to fire Tempe, just like I predicted hehe ^^ thank goodness the rest of the team is behind Tempe all the way and she will be unreplacable for the show hehe ^^" and I ADORE where the whole HodginsxAngela thing is going ^^ they are so cute together ^^ and then Silver-sama had to leave again after a wonderful weekend together.. I won't see him much this week, probably just thursday and then the weekend again.. evil midterms.. ow well, we'll call and still get plenty of time to talk to each other ^^ and lastly, I would like to ask of all of you to keep my imooto-chan Magnus in your prayers and thoughts.. she isn't doing well, she's having hard days and I know it's not in my place to tell you all what exactly is going on with her, but I just want to keep you all posted about her.. she's really having a hard time and is afraid that it will become worse this week, since she's going back to the university.. she refuses to go see a doctor, she says her condition is mental, not physical, therefor she thinks the doc can't help her.. she did say that she will see the school counsillor when things are still bad in two weeks, but I just hate the fact that she keeps pushing those things back.. she needs help now, not later.. I can't get through to her.. I keep telling her that whenever she needs to talk, she can text me and I will be there for her.. she just blows me off by saying I've got enough problems of my own.. *sighs* I hate not being able to protect and help the ones I love.. this weekend has been prove that I can't help everyone with their problems, but I want to so bad.. I can't really help my sis, but I can pray for her and I can ask you all to pray for her and keep her in your thoughts too.. please, ask Him to give her the strength and courage she needs to get help, she needs it and I can't give it to her.. I am not fearless at all. every day I'm scared of losing people close to me. of losing that love, those people who support me when I can't keep up myself.. I'm scared of not being able to do anything to help them. what kind of friend am I if I can't help or protect the ones I love? I am most certainly not fearless at all. much clown love, I'm outta here

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