Friday, May 4, 2007

   well... yeah...

hey guys! it seems I only return here to disappear again.. it's friday and that means I'll head over to Silver-sama to spend the weekend.. I hope he lets me sleep as much as he usually does, cause I'm still tired as hell. not everything has been great in the world of the Lyds lately.. my eyes got infected and even though the horrid eye-drops make it better, the stuff irritates my eyes so my sight is blurry most of the time and my eyes are itchy.. as I said yesterday, I've been tired as hell lately. I don't really understand why, I just know that I could sleep for months. maybe it's mental exhaustion once again, but most of the time a day at the beach can clear that out.. guess it's heavier this time. also, there has been something bothering me.. I'm sad for the biggest part of the day and there is a growing feeling of loneliness in my heart. and that, my friends, is what worries me the most! I know I'm not lonely. I know I have wonderful friends all over the world who care for me and support me. I know I have the best boyfriend any girl could wish for. what I don't know is why this feeling is haunting me.. *sigh* it's like there's this voice in my head telling me I don't belong or fit in anywhere. it's like it's trying to tell me that I'm all alone on this world and no one will be there for me in the end. how could they? they need to make sure their life is going alright. they have to take care of themselves. the only one who can be there for you in the end is yourself.. but why am I thinking about the end? I honestly don't know.. I'm sorry to drop this all on you guys all of a sudden.. it's just what has been bothering me and I need to get it off my chest. you all know I can't front to all of you and say my life is going great! but hey, I do still keep in mind the days that are shiny diamonds! they're what keeps me alive, away from bridges, knives and too many sleeping pills. don't be worried now, sure, I've been thinking about it again, but I haven't given in to the darkness. I need summer to come, then it'll be all better, I'm sure! I've got just over half the money I'll need for tickets to England. I need to save up a little more, but with a bit of luck, I'll also have a job around that time. I still haven't heard from the shoestore, which is driving me nuts actually.. if they don't call today, I'll call them myself tomorrow. I hope you guys like the new song by the way. it's one of my favorites from Krezip, a Dutch band and the song is called "Peace of Mind". it pretty much puts my mood and thoughts in words. it just sounds a lot happier ^^" this song always makes me feel stronger.. hell, most of their songs have that effect on me. if you got the chance, check them out. there are some more songs from them on Imeem anyway. well, I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. and yes, I did get totally hammered on monday and I kind of do know my boundaries when it comes to alcohol.. trouble is, Silver-sama doesn't and he mixes my drinks for me *laughs* HAH! it's all Silver's fault ^_~ naw, I just need to be more careful next time. I'll try my best not to get hammered this weekend. I do have to proudly announce that on the Anime Con forum, I've been named First Lady of Beerness!! somehow, I have been able to change the Gopher Questionnair thread into a beer thread (together with some others of course *laughs*) we're basically spamming one of the most important threads on the whole forum and the funniest thing is: the moderators who are supposed to stop spamming have been joining in our Beer Discussions ^^" thanks guys. I'm feeling a bit better now. take care and I will see you on monday. much clown love, I'm outti.

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