Monday, May 7, 2007

   that's me in the spotlight, losing my religion...

hey guys! I'm back again ^^ this time to stay a little longer har har ^_~ anywho, the weekend did me a great deal of good ^^ I cried a lot and had a really good conversation with Silver-sama about those feelings I've been having. we came to the conclusion that I pretty much just feel unwanted, unneeded and useless and of course, all those feelings suck and aren't true! I know this, I just need to fight of that stupid voice in my head. more sleep will do me good ^^ also, an old habit of mine is helping me relax: reading. I've started reading normal books for a while again, mainly because I'm pretty much out of manga to read and I want to save my money for the coming Anime Con (the 1st of June is getting closer!!!) I still have loads of books to read, so I'll be fine for the coming few weeks. I just need to make sure I make time for reading and not let school eat all my time. my eyes are better too ^^ they don't itch anymore and for now, they're not hurting either. if it comes back, I'll have to see the doc again. on saturday Silver, me and his parents went to the animal asylum to see if they had any kittens there to be picked up. it was full with the cutest and sweetest cats, but all from about 7 months and up. we found one we all really liked so we went to the desk to ask if we could take him with us.. but the lady just HAD to tell Silver's mom that the cat had a habit of trying to sneak out.. *sighs* so his mom panicked (she can't walk really well) and went on and on about how she wouldn't be able to go after it if he'd escape.. in the meantime I was already distracted by a box of kittens this other lady just brought in. a stray cat had given birth in her shed and now the kittens were about four weeks old and she couldn't handle them anymore.. I'll let you all in on a little secret of mine now: the catloving, kitten-obsessed Lytjuh you all know had never seen kittens that young before in her 20 years of life! yep, you heard it right, this was the first time I actually saw kittens. I've never seen them younger than about 6 months.. but the good thing was, Silver's mom did want one of those kittens. so they'll get it as soon as the surrogate family is done raising it. it's really a cutie but both Silver and me felt sorry for the other cat we first planned to take with us.. and I mean, that kitten is going to explore and escape eventually too.. how is his mom supposed to run after her? ow well, mine and Silver's moms logic always clash, so I decided to be happy with the fact I'll get to play with a 10 weeks old kitten at their place in a few weeks ^^ in other news. I got the job. I go in wednesday to take care of the paperwork ^^ YAY for me ^^ now, remember that cat at the beginning of this post? here's what happened when I called my mom about the job and the kitten: me:hey mom! it's me! mom:yeah I got the job! *excited* I'm going in wednesday at five to sign the papers! ... oh.. oh. you do know we have to leave early on wednesday?(we're going to see Tarzan the Musical) yes mom I know. aren't you happy for me? *same bland, uninterested voice* of course I am. oh,and Silver's going to get a kitten in a few weeks, they're getting one from the asylum! OH GREAT!(do not mistake this for happy, it's ANGER) so now I have to go and tell Chantal that they don't want one from her anymore! *stunned* yeah.. I guess.. any other news? no ok, bye mom! now ain't that just the perfect rain on your parade?!she didn't even freakin' congratulate me!! she's been on my ass for MONTHS now, whining about how I should get a job and save money and don't spend too much and pay my own phonebill again.. hold on.. that's it! I'll be able to pay my own bills again, so she won't be needed for that anymore, so she can't bitch about that AND she can't bitch about having to get a job anymore AND her leg is feeling better so she'll have nothing to annoy me with anymore! no wonder she was pissed *chuckle* (just leave me under this assumption guys. it's better this way. cause the other way would mean that she genuinly isn't happy for me) in other other news.. now that I've got a job, going to England this summer is final for me! I say for me, cause my mom still seems to believe my ojou-sama Magnus is a scary, perverted old man who just plans on.. well, icky things. it's my mom's basic view of everyone on the internet.. *laughs* a few weeks ago, she asked me if Magnus was sending me drugs. DRUGS, people! I wish I had my mom's imagination, I'd be a great writer of those paranoid thrillers *laughs* let's see.. what else.. well, I'm feeling rather good today. except for the fact that I'm having trouble walking (as expected yesterday *looks at Silver and winks*) but I'll live ^^ after the phonecall with my mom, I cried a whole bunch more and felt way better after. I guess I just needed a good cry too, but wasn't able to get it out. on saturday we (Silver, his mom, her boyfriend, the boyfriend's parents, the boyfriend's brother and sister (they're married, but I can never remember which one is his real sibling and which one is an in-law..) and their two kids) went to an all you can eat Wok place. damn, I got totally stuffed there! it was sooooo good!! and not just the food, the waiter made for a fine desert *snickers* I kept with icecream and fruit though, cause Silver was playing the jealous boyfriend card *chuckle* he's so cute when he's jealous ^^ yeah, he gets like that *laughs* but don't worry, I made it up to him ^_~ now that I'm pretty much done with talking about my weekend, I just want to make this post a bit longer. you can skip this part if you want, cause it's about me and my religion. I know some people who'd rather avoid the subject, but due to all the loving comments from last post (this goes out to you guys: Yensid-sensei, LS-san, DS-kun and Grifter-san.) thanks to everyone for their advice and kind words ^^ now, for the religion part. I'm raised a protestant Christian. I still am Christian. there's a Bible on my nightstand gathering dust though. I haven't been to church since last summer, with the exception of Christmas. I hardly ever pray anymore. the problem is. church never gave me what I'm looking for. whenever I went to church, I was being bored, distracted and waiting for it all to be over. this isn't how you're supposed to feel in church and this surely isn't the way to praise Him. so I decided not to go anymore. also, I decided not to ask for every little thing that went wrong for Him to fix it. whenever I pray now, I pray for strength and for people who I know having a hard time. I believe in being the miracle, not asking for one. I believe that I have to work hard to get myself better again. sure, I know God is always with me and that comforts me. I've had nights where the feelings of loneliness and thoughts of suicide got so dark.. and believe me or not, but He was there with me during those nights. sometimes, I've even felt a hand on my shoulder, as if to comfort me, telling me it's all going to be alright. I'm just not your average Christian. I'm open-minded as I like to believe myself to be. I believe that it isn't so much a problem of Who you believe in. it isn't all about going to church, reading the Bible, Koran or whatever Book there is for you to put your faith in. some people have never heard of God and His word. does that mean they're going to hell? of course not. to me, I believe, it's about how you live your life. how you treat others around you. it's like Jesus said really. I don't recall the exact words but I think it's something like this: 'Whenever you clothed someone who needed clothes, you clothed me. Whenever you gave someone who was hungry food, you fed me.' (and so on and so forth) it's about living the right way with the right intentions. you might not always succeed, but it's the intention, the try that counts. treat others how you want to be treated. don't do things to people you wouldn't want done to yourself. and stuff like that. I don't want to make this too long, but this pretty much sums up how I feel and what I believe. be glad I didn't start about Catholicism and the Bible and stuff, cause I have some serious rants and theories about all that... this one needs some thought, but once you get it, it's funny ^^ ok, I believe this is long enough for today! I've tortured you guys enough if you ask me ^^ that is, if my posts are torture for you to read.. I hope not, but then again, if it is, you wouldn't read them ^^ I'll probably visit later today. right now, it's time to get some more sleep ^^ much clown love, I'm outti.

Comments (6)