Thursday, September 6, 2007

Let me apologise to begin with. Let me apologise for what I'm about to say...

hey people! well, since Silver-sama sort of spilled the beans already, I might as well come clean now.. yes, I am depressed again. heavily. I've gone back to the doctor several times now and it's not really getting me anywhere.. as some of you might know, he's sending me back to therapy. it's just that the people from the therapy still haven't gotten back to me (it's been over a month now since I sent them the forms back..) and my thoughts keep getting darker and sadder. I've been having panic attacks. not fun, I can tell you that.. moments where I simply HAD to have Silver with me, or I felt like I would explode.. thank goodness that was when I was over at Silver's for the weekend, so everything went fine that time. I didn't want to tell him, cause I didn't want him to worry, but he does so anyway ^^" the latest one came when I was at home. I think it was this monday.. my eyes were freaking out.. as I said, my left eye decided to not work at all monday morning. monday evening, both my eyes were refusing to do their job.. I went to the doc again on tuesday. my eyes are fine, it's probably because of headaches that they were acting weird (they're fine again now by the way) the doc just won't give me anything against the headaches, so I'm stuck with your everyday paracetamol.. also, I told him about my lack of sleep and my new panic attacks. what was his reaction you ask? I quote: "hm, so the pills don't really work against the panicing eh? well, let's get you another blood test, cause I don't want to put everything on the mental field." in other words, he thinks they just might have missed a blood decease the first seven times they tested my blood *sighs* besides, he only tests for the most common ones, you'd think we've excluded those by now *rolls eyes* I'll get the results tomorrow, I'll keep you all posted if they find something this time.. in short, I'm getting more and more depressed and even more frustrated because I don't know what is causing it or how to fight it.. it's like I'm slipping, letting go, giving up.. I know a lot of you are worried about me and I really appreciate your care *smiles* the only problem is that it gets hard for me to convince myself that everything will turn out ok when everyone keeps saying how worried they are.. all I ask of you, is a bit of support. like you've always done for me anyway, so just keep on going as you were ^^ I want to apologise especially to Silver-sama and my ojou-sama Magnus. I know you both suffer the worst under my depression, mostly because of the one recurring question: "why?" I don't know.. I do know that it's no ones fault. it seems to be something chemical in my head. or maybe it's stress.. all I know right now is that it's there and it's getting worse again. bear with me for now guys. I'll try and whip up a better post soon. in the meantime, I've got a lot of work ahead of me.. tomorrow we're going to start decorating and filling the shelves of the new store in my town ^^ can't wait, cause I've got about a full week of distracting work coming ^^ next week, the 14th, all work should be done for a festive opening! also, I've gotten my hands on some more Grifter comics ^^ can't wait to read them hehe ^^" I still haven't had time for that.. have a great day people *massive glomps for everyone* much clown love, I'm outti. have some LOLcats ^^

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