Tuesday, February 14, 2006

   no one knows the way I feel, the part of me I have to fight...

well, I just really need to get this off my chest.. if you want to read a happy post, read the one below... I wish I could disappear into nothingness... just leave everything behind me and never worry again... I have no friends, they don't really need me.. I'm just useful to travel with so they're not alone... I'm just filling... they got each other and I'm just hanging on the side... sometimes I wonder what they'll say if I never showed up ever again... what if I died tonight, what will they think off me.. they'll probably be relieved, one less to worry about.. more attention for themselves... I feel like Yuki from Furuba, I smile so that people will like me.. I can't be the real me around them, they need me cheery and happy or they'll leave me alone... sometimes I wish I could just leave this live, burn all my bridges and try it on my own... why should I need people who make me feel like I'm nothing? why do I feel the need to be around people who ignore me... who go against everything I say and laugh at my philosophies... I stood by the subway today and watched it roll into the station.. and all I could think was: what if I jumped right now.. how would they react? how would they feel... one less weirdo in the world... I am nothing, I am the most useless person I know... the world doesn't need me.. I'm just another speck waiting for my turn to die.. I am lost in an eternal battle with myself... I've had enough of this feeling, I don't want to slip away anymore... I'm slowly falling apart under mental warfare.. I have to be the strong one to survive this.. I have to look at the good things in my life, but they are all overshadowed by this feeling of darkness... when will the sun break through? when will I find the rest to sleep? when will the people who are closest to me understand me? when will they finally respect my choices and let go of me? when will they see I'm an individual and that I have my own life to live? when will I be able to show them the me I want to be... the only way out is through... someone once looked at me with love in his eyes and told me that there is no need to leave so soon... I have so many things ahead of me, I can't be trapped in here forever... so for now, I'll keep my head up high, keep looking forward and form a life of my own around me.. I will get through or all my efforts up to this point have been for nothing... sorry bout that.. but I did warn you and told you to read the post below if you wanted happy thoughts... I'll be back tomorrow I'm outta here

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