Monday, April 24, 2006

   losing grip yet again...

hello people... (time of posting: 9.15 am, time next class starts: 12.15 am... YAY for time table designers *sarcasm*) well, the weekend was great and still I feel depressed... I don't know what is happening to me but it seems that there are more bad things happening than good things.. even though it doesn't seem all that bad when you list it.. I've got the worst time table ever even after they've been shifting calsses.. now my monday is from 8.30 am to 5.30 pm.. with more than five hours of nothingness... which will be mostly spend alone.. then there's tuesday which also goes through till 5.30 pm.. and then wednesday which isn't all that bad (one or two classes, ends at 13.00 pm) and off course friday which is one class from 12.15 pm to 13.45 pm.. but we also need to work on the project then (which is the most annoying, difficult, crappy project ever) so my friday may very well last till 4 pm.. I just hope I get lucky and the shift of Portugese to thursday falls through, so that I at least get one day off from this hellhole... perfect evilness: Guild Wars won't play on my laptop.. apparently my processor is too weak and it discovered that right after I've played about three times.. all of a sudden it won't play anymore and first it worked perfectly.. so that's 40 bucks down the drain, great, I've got more money than I can spend anyway *once again, sarcasm* I've been getting way too little sleep.. I just can't seem to stay sleeping at night.. and dreaming that I cut my wrist isn't especially helping (dreamt it last night, freaked me the hell out...) this weekend was spend with my boyfriend as usual. I was allowed to stay over (well, my parents didn't really give a clear answer so I just assumed they thought it was ok) which was great as always. I love staying with him.. I only wish I had enough money and certainty to start living together, but I guess I really do have to wait till I finish my education and got a job.. on saturday we went shopping, well, more like him spending money on me.. I really do have to start buying stuff for him once I get paid ^_^ I think I'll start at the Anime Con (if that's allright with you hun ^_~) he got me: -Golden Sun (YAY I finally got my own copy!!) -the new Shojo Beat (I still need to finish reading the other two, but that's ok) -CardCaptor Sakura manga volume 6 (which I read last night, Kero has a really cool real form ^__^) -Crime Scene Inverstigation: 3 Dimensions of Murder (the new CSI computer game, now I just have to pray it does run on my laptop..) -CSI:Miami/New York Crossover Special on DVD -Tomb Raider Collection (game 1-6 hehe ^_^ I'll finally be able to play it, since I never did.. she sure changed over the years hehe) -Get Backers DVD (the first ten episodes on two DVDs, we fought over who was going to get it hehe.. I'm turning into a Ban fangirl, I'm afraid..) and I don't have to pay the Full Metal Panic order (volume 3-7 of the manga) back to him ^__^ I bought (with borrowed money off course..) the first season of 'The 4400' on DVD and the first volume of xxx Holic manga (it's burning a hole in my schoolbag at the moment, but I think I'll wait till the busride home to start reading hehe) I played FFX again and we watched Get Backers and Monty Python and the Holy Grail. and we ate Chinese Food (again *grin*) on sunday we went to my house and watched more Get Backers and discovered that GW won't play on my laptop... and even though everything was going great, I couldn't help but worry about too many things.. I'm scared to death that I'm not going to like my new job, or that they will fire me for not being a good worker.. I can't wait to get back to work (I've worked part-time jobs for over two years now..) but I'm really scared that it won't turn out as good as I always assume.. I don't think I've cried as much as I did this weekend for months.. I'm just really glad that my BF was there to comfort me.. it seems I'm losing my grip on everything again.. and even though I'm a pretty careless person, I hate the feeling of losing control over the things that happen in my life.. I need to feel in control, to feel that everything is going the right way even though it doesn't seem to be going allright at the moment.. I'm losing my familiar feeling that everything will turn out fine and it's disturbing my sleep, filling my mind with worries and messing up my emotions.. I've been here before and I got out only through the help of one or two people around me.. it's a downwards spiral and the only way I can get back up again is with help.. not from pills but from people.. it seems that there are two people who make me want to hold on. who show me that life is more than hardship, that there also are good things in this world even though I can't always see them through the bad ones.. one of them I've never met, the other one is my boyfriend. I just have to hold on, stop being scared and start believing that everything will turn out fine in the end again. I got out of this once, I should be able to do it again.. all I have to do is make sure that last nights dream won't come true.. and it won't, that's one thing I'm sure off, that's one thing I'm going to hold on to ^_^ on a happier note: Greeting of the day: (just cause that last one is so darn cute, you get two from me today ^_^) well, posting made me feel much better, thanks for reading my stupid rambling.. in return I will once again comment on comments ^_^ I'm outta here (I guess the rest of my time will be spend on WDX and visiting sites) EDIT: my english teacher is sick.. so I'll skip tourism and go home nice and early, I really don't feel like waiting six freakin' hours for one lousy class, at least I can get some work done at home.. Silvereagle: the weekend was wonderful, thank you so much for being there for me *hugs* and thanks for letting me play FFX ^_~ Magnus: first of all, ouch that hurts, please do not hit me again ^_~ ow and we did spend quality time *grins* happy? I'll probably see you on WDX *hugs* Ada Pallas: thanks, I did ^_^ and I actually slept pretty good over there.. ^_^ PhoebyJinamanegf: thanks ^_^ ChibiIchigo: thanks, I'm very happy myself ^_^ we had great fun ^_^ yuri2: thanks, we did ^_^ tsnade26: the game is pretty good indeed, although Tidus annoys me a bit hehe ^_^' Full Metal Panic is really good, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did ^_^ *hugs* rockinwithkiss: we had fun thanks ^_^ I really liked the picture too, it just somehow fits perfectly with the text on it ^_^ mewmewlover55: thanks ^_^ Backlash Wave: I only wanted to play it because I heard a lot of good things of the FF games, and it turned out pretty good too ^_^ Highwind Phoenix: thanks a lot ^_^ and that card is very right hehe ^_^ alphonse13: thanks, I really liked the card too ^_^ *hugs* Shinkiro: thank you *hug* well, it wasn't all that long... for once the comments are shorter than my post hehe ^_^ I'll see you all around *waves* (ending time of posting: 10.00 am, just 2.15 hours to go till the next class...)

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