Tuesday, September 5, 2006

I smile a lot, but I'm always frontin'

"In my room"-ICP a lot of crappy stuff happened. I'm not going to go into details, but it means that I had about two hours of sleep last night and my plans for the US trip are going into the fridge. I guess I could still save money for it, but the motivation is just gone at the moment. it also made me realise that I had to see the doctor again.. I've been sinking back into an old depression for a few months now and I'm sick of myself. I don't want to be sad all the time when there's no reason to be so. I spend most of my days crying, if not over nothing, it's cause of the tiniest little problem or worry. and I just can't go on like this. I'm starting to get physically sick cause I hardly sleep and it seems like I can't really enjoy anything.. the doc said that he doesn't really know why it is.. I've been like this for over three years now.. he asked me if I wanted to go back into therapy. I'd rather not. that stuff didn't help me at all, I just wanted to get the hell out of there.. so now, it's bloodtest time again.. the doc first wants to check if my being tired isn't caused by anything in my blood. so tomorrow morning I'll be going to the clinic thingy or whatever and get that checked out. on monday I have to make a new appointment with the doc to discuss the results and possible next steps. if this all isn't caused by something in my blood, it's most likely that I miss some sort of chemical substance in my brain.. some sort of hormone or whatever that my head doesn't produce.. there are ways to help that, but it also means that I would have to be on pills for the rest of my life.. for a nineteen year old, that isn't really the most fun prospective.. but then again, I don't plan on crying every day for the rest of my life, so taking some pills shouldn't be too big a sacrifice. I just want to enjoy my life again. it's not like I want to die, it just feels like I can't enjoy or look forward to anything.. I bought some manga to try and cheer myself up.. -School Rumble volume 3, I really like this series, even though it's a bit chaotic because of the different drawing styles used. I saw a bit of the anime last week and when I get the time, I'll be sure to watch some more of it. -Trigun volume 2, it's huge, just like volume one. good. -Descendants of Darkness volume 7 and 8. I can't help but love it.. I should send an email to Archonia asking where my Loveless is.. it's still out of stock (I've been waiting for about6 or 7 weeks now..) and as long as it doesn't get restocked, I ain't getting my DoD dvd box.. I think I know what I want to order from Hatchetgear.com. I really want the messenger bag, a dog tag and Violent J's book. that amounts to about 87 bucks, including shipping costs. it's kind of ridiculous to me, but they charge 20 bucks extra (so ON TOP of the normal shipping costs) for any order outside of North America.. way to work on your fanbase.. ow well, it isn't going to stop me from ordering. enough whining, I'll keep you guys posted on the outcome of things. greeting of the day: I'm outta here.

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