Saturday, September 9, 2006

Everything you say can and will be used against you!

that's not a song, but everyone should have their rights read to them at birth if you ask me. I've come to understand why some people prefer not to post about their personal lives. the things I say in my posts are for my friends, so that they know what is going on with me in my life and how I feel. so when I post about me and my possible growing drinking problem, I don't expect someone to start bitching about it and me in their own posts. I say this right now, if you have any problem with me or with the things I say in my posts, contact me, let me know so that I can work on it, so that I can become a better friend and a better person.. I'm sorry but I need to let at least this out. I promised not to say anything, cause it might harm the friendship with a very dear friend of mine, but it's not fair that I don't get the chance to vent in my own blog and someone else does.. this is my first and only direct attack at that person in my blog although this person might state otherwise. I wasn't aware if I did before and I apologise once again. the depression is getting worse. more shitty things happened and I have to watch my every word. in conversations, texts and blogs like this.. and it's breaking me. I've been fighting this feeling for over three years now and this last week I've felt a change. my body, my mind, I'm giving up.. I can't take things anymore.. I'm sick of myself and of this feeling. it's like I'm going crazy, like I itch on the inside of my body and I need to somehow open my skin to get it out. it's been hard holding myself back. friday morning felt like I needed to hurt myself in order to see if I could still feel anything. don't worry, I was still strong enough to hold these feelings back and I didn't do anything to myself. but I do need help, fast. so I skipped a class and decided to go to Silvereagle-sama early. I know that he can't help in making this feeling go away or it would've been gone a long time ago. but he does help in protecting me against myself. he does let me get the tears and the screams out that have been piling up inside of me. he listens to my ramblings and he tells me that everything will be alright. and right now, he's the only support I got. I know, I have my friends online (this goes out to you guys Grifter-san and Ran-chan, you're the best *hugs you both*) but they can't hold me like Silver-sama can. during the week, these three guys are my biggest support and they help me keep what's left of my sanity. the worst part right now is the not knowing. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what can be done to make this feeling go away. I don't know if it's going to get better soon. I don't know what the future holds for me right now and my worries are growing to ridiculous proportions. I've pretty much accepted the fact that I might have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life. I'm ok with that now, even though I hate the idea of being dependant on a pill for happiness. but my main worry right now is: what if pills won't work? what if my last resort isn't going to do a freaking thing? it's frustrating not to know and all I can do is hope and pray that it will work. it has to work. I just skipped out on dinner here at Silver's cause I was basically crying at the table.. his parents don't know what's going on so now his mom thinks I've got annorexia or whatever.. she's a sweetheart, she really is. the main reason I'm still around on this planet is the fact that so many people show their concern. that so many people show that they care about me and that they want me around. life has been throwing a lot of shit at me and I only got through this because some of my friends decided to jump in front of me and take part of the problems in their hands. I've lost a lot of friends in the past few months. but now I also know who I can depend on. who will stick by me and who will be able to aid me in advice and fighting power. things are tough right now, but I hope to have some sort of solution on monday. it now all depends on that doctors appointment. until then, I have Silver-sama by my side and my dear friends in my heart. even though we are thousands of miles apart, I know that their thoughts are with me and I know that I'm in their prayers and I thank you guys from the bottom of my heart for this. without all of you, I would never have made it this far and for all of you, I'm going to make it even further. I will not let all your support and love and kind words go to waste. somewhat happier stuff as for my USA trip. I'm trying to get the motivation back. but I will not go before I know for sure that I get to visit my dear friends! it might be my only chance to ever go to the States and it will be a waste to go and not meet all of the people I want to meet so desperately. so far I'd love to meet Yensid-sensei, Ran-chan, JD-kun and Grifter-san (if that's ok..). it will probably mean a whole lot of traveling around, so I will need lots of time and money. I've complained to Archonia.com about the time I've been waiting for my order now. still haven't gotten a reply though. I've tried to order some stuff from Hatchergear.com. as I said, Messenger Bag, Dog Tag and Violent J's book. only problem, I used Silvereagle-sama's creditcard and my own name for the order, so it came up as an error in the Adress Verification System. so it might take about seven business days to get that one solved. but I will get my shit! I bought a game for the ps2. I don't own one myself but Silver-same has got one, so I can play it here. it's Red Ninja and it looks pretty cool. only thing is, it's been bothering the heck out of me already cause I can't get past the second test in the tutorial.. I blame my inexperience with the controls, seeing how I only sometimes played Final Fantasy and Jade Cocoon on that thing ^^' for Silver-sama I bought Magna Carta as part of a payment for the huge loan I've got standing out with him. in return he bought me a stand up comedy dvd. he's so sweet and I wouldn't know what to do without him. well, this turned out to be a pretty sappy post.. my apologies for bothering you all with my mental problems. this is not a cry for help or pity or anything like that. this is me, explaining to my friends what's going on with me and how I feel. it's important to me, you guys mean so much to me. *hugs you all* now I have to lie down and sleep for a bit or something, cause my head is killing me and I feel a bit sick. I've decided to just let my hate for pills go for a while and just take a painkiller when I feel bad. and thank goodness, it's working. no greeting of the day, I don't feel up to searching for it. Cue the cheesy inspirational music. I love you guys, I just want you to know that. I thank you guys so much for being here for me and letting me know that you all care. don't worry too much about me, with the help I've been getting things should be getting better. the fact of life is just that generally things get worse before they indeed do get better. but judging by how I've been feeling this week, things are going to get better pretty quick. have a lovely weekend you all and remember to enjoy every second of your lives. every moment with your loved ones, no matter what anybody says. remember to enjoy every part of life and learn from the bad things that happen to you. the first priority in anyones life should be the happyness of themselves and the people around them. and if you have someone who gives you that happiness, please remember to keep them as close to you as possible and let them know how happy they make you. dammit, I'm turning inspirational and teary again.. gotta go sleep now *one last hug for everyone* I'm outta here!

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