Monday, September 25, 2006

Do you remember telling me, you'd found the sweetest thing of all, you said one day of this was worth dieing for. So be thankful, you knew her at all...

"See the Sun"-Dido I adore this song. (if you don't wish to read the sappy, whiny, sad stuff, skip to the next bolded piece of text.) no regrets. that's how I'd like to live my life. but lately, my head has been filled with what-if-scenario's and questions and things I still want to say and do. the past can't be changed, all that can be done from it is learn. mistakes have been made, feelings have been hurt, friendships were found and lost the way they came. people have walked in and out of my life for the past few years and a lot of them left footsteps in my heart. most painful,but some I remember with a loving smile on my face. the friend who left is one of those last few. I've been through any kind of emotion in the past few days. I've been denying it, I've been angry, I've been sad and I've been asking questions. thanks to the sleeping pills and a whole lot of attention from Silver-sama I pulled it through last week and the weekend. I'm going to be very open with you guys. on friday morning, I found myself sitting in the kitchen with a knife in my hands. but I couldn't. I didn't want to. all I could think is that I have too much to live for. the last words of my friend to me were: there is always hope. it's the last I've heard from him, but they were probably the words that also picked me up the most. I remembered how I hoped his girlfriend would forgive me for hurting her. I did not know I did and I wasn't given time to make it better. I know that it was also hard for him to leave. but I'm starting to accept the fact that he's gone. I'm not checking my email and phone and site as often as I did in the last few days. and I've started to understand, that as long as he isn't contacting me, he can be happy with his girlfriend and not worry about losing her. I'd do anything to make my friends happy. so if me being out of his life means that he can be happy, I will. it's worth the sacrifice. and there is always hope. it still sucks though *crooked smile* no regrets. I'm going to look back on our friendship with that loving smile and remember the way he was there for me, how he was able to cheer me up (damn, I'm going to miss the stories about his camel Humpy and his funny accents..), what we went through and what we talked about. it was probably the most random friend I ever had and it feels like we've been through a lifetime friendship within a few months. he's still my friend. he still owns a little piece in my heart like most of you do. and that piece will be there for him when he can return. until then, by this means, I want to wish him and his girlfriend all the luck and happyness and joy and love in the world. be good to each other. make each other happy. I know I have no right to ask anything, but this is what I want for you guys most in the world. no regrets, this post won't be deleted. it is the last I will say about this though, cause it's time to move on and live my own life and remember the good times, because with time, the bad times will scar over and won't be seen or thought of as much. time doesn't heal all wounds, but it can cover them in good memories and make it hurt less. no regrets of this weekend either. (this is the turning point of this post. from here, it will be about daily life, addictions and other random stuff again) on thursday, school was a good way to be distracted, cause the project is running into deadlines and problems already. I bought myself some earrings and stuff and I bought my imooto-chan the first part of her belated birthday present. also I bought Silver-sama a new watch as a present, cause his old one was starting to rot away a little hehe.. or was that wednesday.. no that was wednesday, sorry guys ^^' he loves it by the way! on friday, I skipped school and didn't feel like doing anything. stayed in bed till around three pm and then started to do some work. can't remember what though. I worked in the evening and had a lot of fun messing around with one of my co-workers. and after his dinner with work, Silver-sama came to my place. we talked with Grifter-san via the webcam for a while, while I was packing my stuff for the weekend. it was great fun, though Grifter-san was hard to hear at times.. then, I went with Silver-sama to his house and spend the night. slept horribly but at least it was in his arms. on saturday we spend the biggest part of the morning in bed and in the afternoon we went shopping. I bought a new coat for the winter that I totally adore and (finally) I bought new shoes. yeah, you read it correctly, SHOES!!! they're skating shoes and they're sooooo comfy ^^ black with a little white in them ^^ also I bought some more stuff for myself and the second part of my imooto-chan's present ^^ (I really hope you like it, Magnus!!) and I bought the first two manga's of 'A.I. Love You' yet another series of Ken Akamatsu, the creator of 'Love Hina' and 'Negima'. also I bough the third and fourth volume of the Love Hina manga. and I ordered 'My Neighbor Totoro', that should come in next week. Silver ordered the first volume of 'Girls Bravo' for me, I've been wanting to try a lot new series. while on that topic, I've been interested in Yuri lately. yeah I know, I'm weird. naw, I'm just really curious, so I'd like to ask you guys if you got any good series for me. just leave the name of the series in your comment please ^^ (if you don't know what yuri is, it's girlxgirl relationships, so the opposite of yaoi hehe ^^) lets see, did I buy anything else.. not that I can remember.. Silver bought himself a wrestling dvd and the game Tenchu (thank you Ojike for recommending that one!!) though we haven't gotten to play it yet. and he bought me a really lovely ring ^^ it has a really cool tribal band all around it and I simply love it ^^ after dinner we went to the huge electronics store and he bought the new Tekken for his PSP. he actually got the game from his parents for his birthday ^^ we gave them a frying pan YAY ^^ he also bought the 7th Pokemon movie and The Crow 2. I can't really remember what we did in the evening. I think it was mostly me crying again and us watching some tv. I took a sleeping pill and slept much better that night, still in his arms ^^. on sunday morning, I turned all my frustration and anger and other feelings into energy and cleaned up his room. I think he was kind of scared of me hehe ^^ sorry honey, but it had to be done! remember to do your paperwork too!! and wash your car hehe ^^ then we had some breakfast and he went and cleaned out the rabit cage, while I took their dog for a walk. now, as most of you know, I'm not big on dogs, they annoy me most of the time (give me a cat any day, they don't need as much attention!) but this one is just so stupid and fat and weird that it's ok to be around. though I really don't like him jumping up against me. so we walked a long round and the stupid dog actually listened to me ^^ and when I got back, Silver-sama was almost done with the rabit cage ^^ then I played some Red Ninja. had Silver-sama beat the annoying boss for me hehe. thank you once again honey *long hug* I'm actually getting the hang of the controls and I still adore the game, though the bosses are kind of hard to beat if you don't know what to do to them. thank god for walkthroughs eh? later on we went to my house, watched the Pokemon movie, I slept through the end.. all that energy made me tired. in the evening we had our usual routine, meaning we watched some Mythbusters and Bones. and after a lot of cuddling and hugging (I won't go into the details) it was time for him to leave again. I slept a bit better than fridaynight without a sleeping pill, but it still could've been better. today, I skipped school again, with a more legit reason this time: I couldn't actually get to the builing. there was a strike in the public transport, meaning I could go as far as my bus or the train would take me, but not actually into Rotterdam. well, I could get there, but I would have to walk through a town in which I get lost if I take the wrong exit from the metro station.. and since I only had one hour of school, I figured, why bother? so today was spend doing some grocery shopping for my mom, bothering the music store guy about my ordered dvd, making homework, writing back to my imooto-chan and waiting in the postoffice till it was my turn. it was a pretty good day even though it couldn't be spend with Silver-sama. tomorrow it will be school again.. and work, kinda nervous cause I'll be the boss then hehe.. we're short on people again, so I have to close shop and work the evening with someone from another store.. all responsibility on me.. but I'll be alright. no regrets, this turned out to be another monster post, I had a lot to say though ^^ I'll let you guys go, even though I still think I should ask for ransom at the beginning of my posts.. I'm outta here *hugs you all*

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