Wednesday, September 27, 2006

You may be mugged if you trust too much, but it will fuck you up more worrying about trust.

"All Goes Out the Window"-The Streets. there were a lot of quotes I wanted to use for this post. but most can be used at other moments. I love this one. it's my life motto. lately, some people have been asking me how I can still let people into my life and heart while I've been hurt alot. I can because I don't lose my trust in other people. even though I might be hurt by others, it doesn't give me a guarantee that someone else would do the same. call me naive, call me stupid, but for me, it's most important to trust people. because if I can't trust people, I can't trust myself. thinking that people will hurt me, before I let them come close, will mean a very lonely life for me. and I want friends. I want those people who I can trust with everything around me. I can't close myself off. yes, I've become more careful over the years, but not completely closed to others. it's not me, ya know. I know I've upset quite some people with my last post and for this I want to apologise. I'm sorry if I scared or worried you guys. but look at it this way, if I really wanted to leave this life, I would've a long time ago, on that bridge. if I wanted, I would've on friday morning. if I wanted, I would've never asked for those pills. I'm not going to leave you guys, you all mean way too much to me. I can't leave this life, I want to see what it has in store for me. even though it might be rough, I want to prove the strong image some people have of me. if you're going through hell, remember to keep going. and I'm not going alone. I have my closest friends and a lot of others to help me through. there are a few things very important to me. trust, as said in the beginning. love, without love, I couldn't go on. I realised a few months ago that without Silver-sama, I would stop living. I might not be dead, but I wouldn't truly live anymore either. he is my all, my heartbeat and my breath. but also, love for my wonderful friends, my family and of course my imooto-chan who to me, is so much more than just a friend. but I have to love myself too. it's in the ten commandments ya know: loving your neighbor you love yourself. and surprisingly enough, it's not the first part that's hard. it's so easy to love others. the hard part is loving yourself. I have stopped to even like myself a long time ago and I need to start loving myself again. and with the help of my friends that I've been getting, I'm sure I will be able to again soon enough. hope, you all know what I mean. if I can't hope anymore, it's no use anymore. I'm not sure of anything in my life. but I can still hope that it will all turn out ok. some people tell me that everything will be ok. and when I ask them how they can be so sure, they answer: I just know. but the truth is, we all just hope that everything will be ok. I love the metaphore of life as a game of poker. cause the beauty of that is, that you can always bluff your way through. you may be dealt a crappy hand, but the others don't need to know that. and for all you know, all the others are bluffing too. I'm a queen of bluff and I intend to overbluff the dealer in this game of life. enough of that. college still sucks. we need to do an inteview for Spanish class and the idiots planned it at 8am. meaning I have to wake up at around 6.30am in order to be at the meeting spot in time. thank goodness my dad can drive me there, or I would have to be walking to the bus at 6am. pah, who needs sleep anyway?! no sleeping pill for me tonight, I can see that. ow well, at least we will get it over with pretty early that way. I intend to skip the one class I have tomorrow. but I am going to school to see what they offer in overseas internships. I have to do two and I'd love to do one in either England or the US. don't know how I would have to fix that with my job though.. I'd probably have to quit or something.. ow well, it's still about a year away ^^ I miss Silver-sama like crazy. but at least we get some time on the phone this week and next week we're probably going to go see Snakes on a Plane (FINALLY!!!!) he's so good for me. makes me want to buy him stuff, but it seems like I'm really broke this time and I'm gonna be lucky if I manage to pay my phone bill next month.. yes, I shop a lot, but it takes its toll hehe ^^' but yes, I needed some retail therapy ^^ work is going alright. I overslept this morning. actually managed to fall asleep after being behind the laptop for a while and woke up around 9.50am. had to be at work at ten. made it there at 10.15. made my boss laugh and thank goodness he wasn't mad at me ^^ the day was ok, but quite tiring. need to do homework now.. bleh.. but it has to be done this time. I'm outta here

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