Friday, September 29, 2006

I'm sorry to myself, for treating me worse than I would anybody else..

"Sorry to Myself"-Alanis Morisette. a song made me cry yesterday.. I was lonely and needed someone to be there.. but Silver-sama was busy with work, my friend was busy with work, my brother and dad were out buying a car for my bro, my mom was being a bitch as usual and the groupmembers for the project did nothing but whine to me about deadlines and stress and what to do.. the 'Go Further'-campaign made me tingle. I could use the help of an organisation that offers internships on the West-Coast of the US (everyone from the west coast raise your hand please!) but, it is a lot of money.. even though they help with getting everything settled, you have to pay them, the ticket, your life expenses over there and you're lucky if the company where you work will pay you.. *sigh* I want it so badly, but my family isn't all that rich ya know.. other than that, it was a bad day, while it was supposed to be good.. I wanted to take a week off (the week of the 23th of october) but one of my co-workers has the week off too.. so it's not sure if I can get the week off.. Silver-sama wanted that week and the week after that off, but he still isn't sure either.. I don't think my boss is going to let me go.. I just know it. it's the way my luck has been in the last few months. everytime something seems to go better, they get way worse. the project is hell. everyone is so freaking stressy.. I wish they would listen to me and just take on one thing at a time, look at the things that need to be done in a calm manner and work out what the best way to handle things would be. I can't take any stress at the moment and they just keep loading it up on me.. whenever we need to do something, they immediately want it done, no matter what we're already working on at the moment. and cause I'm the groupleader, they blame me for all the stress.. after a while yesterdaynight I said "screw 'em" and turned off the comp to go and watch some tv. CSI New York. it was good. after that I just hung around behind the comp, hoping to get some talking time with my friend.. didn't get that, but I did get to see the first two eps of Descendants of Darkness. I had already seen the first one, but it's just such a great series ^^ well, I love the manga anyway and the anime looks soooo good ^^ evil Muraki!! makes me want to yell at the screen.. got yelled at for being behind the laptop till 11.30pm. something about the electrics bill and me sleeping during the days.. yeah, I sleep during the day. I take naps. but it's like, I can use all the sleep I can get and if I'm able to sleep for a little while, I will. sleeping pills are getting less effective, still waking up at 3 or 4 am and not being able to get back to sleep.. I hope my parents let me sleep over at Silver-sama's again this saturday. I need his arms around me. I hate his lateshift. we plan on going to play a game of pool, drink some beers and just wind back a little. I hope he will be able to make me relax a bit again. but then again, I'm pretty sure that he can ^^ I'm really glad that my imooto-chan likes her present ^^ I mean, she wrote a post just for me ^^ no one has ever done that I think ^^ *hugs Dranz* as for some comments. you may all work out yourself which one is for you hehe ^^ I don't feel like typing out names.. yes, trust needs to be earned. but I always work from the view that someone will earn my trust. I'm open-minded to them and give everyone a chance. the only things you can be sure of in life are death and taxes. gotta love 'Meet Joe Black'. but yea, being sure about life just isn't possible I think. I try to love myself, but it's just hard. don't worry, I'm working on it ^_~ hehe work is indeed just a few streets away from me ^^' it's about a three minute walk.. yes, JD-kun, you are special too *hug* hehe weirdo ^_~ I'm just not a morning person.. I hate mornings unless they're spend in bed with Silver-sama. glad you like the presents ^^ I'm a tiny little girl.. so I need some help in facing that dark cloud. yes, I'm medicated and I'm not going to quit taking them for a while. I hate them, but they help me. I'm no zombie am I? I'm outta here It's the end of something I did not want to end Beginning of hard times to come. But something that was not meant to be is done And this is the start of what was. it's the part of the song that made me cry.. I'm hopeless..*hugs you all*

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