Monday, October 9, 2006

it's nice to chat about the shit in my head, someone who just listens to you instead..

"Could well be in"-the Streets darn those lyric sites for only posting half of the song.. it's been happening to me a lot lately.. right.. the weekend.. it could've been so much better if only I had felt better.. Silver-sama stayed over at my place (mind you, on a matrass on the floor in another room!) but I was still able to sneak in on sunday morning and at least sleep in his arms for a bit. that was nice.. saturday was alright. didn't do much in the morning I think.. just hung around. ow, I checked out the yard sale, but they didn't have any interesting books for me.. too bad. when I came back home I was all alone, so I called Silver-sama for a while. I just needed to hear his voice. I really needed someone to talk to. so I was glad that he was there. two people came bringing flowers. none for me of course, but for my parents. (30th wedding aniversary) Silver-sama came to my place around two I think.. can't really remember what we did.. my memory is really falling apart lately.. at five I had to work for a bit. we drove my boss crazy, since he's the only male in the store and now he had to work with five females hehe ^^' plus, if you put me and Tamara or me and Evelien together, you get random mayhem. so now, just imagine us THREE being together at the same time! yep, it's just a good thing that the store is still in one piece hehe ^^' but it was fun. we all had some pie because the Dirck 3 (the chain of stores I work for) was named the best wine specialist of 2007 in the Netherlands ^^ I got to take the rest of the pie home, or else it would've been thrown away. so I had more pie on sunday YAY ^^ when I got home from work, I had to change my clothes and quickly put some make up on to go to dinner. it was so yummy ^^ and it was fun too. the waiter was really nice and a bit of a weirdo too hehe, so we had some fun with him ^^ I can't really remember what we did when we got home.. but it involved a lot of crying from my side.. I hate it when Silver-sama sees me like that.. I want him to see me happy like I am when he's with me.. but things just keep hurting me, I keep being confused and it seems like it's impossible for me to close a chapter in my life.. yes, I am a past-dweller. then it was about time to sleep. on sunday, as said, I sneaked into Silver-sama's tiny room and slept in his arms for a bit. that's just such a nice feeling and I keep wishing more and more that I could do it every night. then we got dressed and went downstairs for something to drink and some pie for breakfast. my aunt came by during the day for my parents. and in the evening the neighbors stopped by, but Silver-sama and me spend most time in my room. I tried to make my presentation for english (yes, way too late, I know!) but when I had just over 1 A4 full with text, Word crashed and it was lost.. about two and a half hours of work down the drain.. so I emailed my teacher asking her to push my presentation back a week.. and if not, I'll have to improvise today.. when I opened Word later that night though, it just popped up again, so I won't have to start from scratch when I finish it. Silver-sama and me watched Anaconda. well, he watched and I slept straight through it.. after dinner, it was more of me crying I think.. lots of hugging from his part thank god! then we cleaned the baby fish tank, put all the little fish in the big tank (they're big enough now) and I cleaned some of the decoration from the big tank. it looks a bit brighter now ^^ so now I have room left because the little tank is gone.. just put my book on the spot where it was hehe ^^" then we watched some Mythbusters and Bones as usual. after Bones, I cried some more.. I've been feeling like hell lately.. but Silver-sama said something that made perfect sense: it's probably my body getting used to the pills again, since I didn't take them for two days last week. so now, it's the same old shit going through my head again.. the same questions, the same pain.. and with my hurting, I can see that I hurt my darling.. he grows quiet when I cry.. he gets doubts again.. I don't want to hurt this way.. and I certainly don't want to hurt him anymore.. if I could go back in time, I'd change so much.. I'd make it all better.. I never thought that I would say that, but I would.. I've always said that I love my past because it molded me into who I am now, but looking back and looking at my beloved now, I wish my past was different. I'm going to put the money I owe Silver-sama away. and when we have enough, we're going to go to England for probably a long weekend ^^ I don't care how long it will take, I just want us to go on that little road trip! it's something to look forward to ^^ and maybe we'll even get to visit my imooto-chan!! then it was time for Silver-sama to leave.. I wanted him to stay so badly.. but he has work and I have school and it just wasn't possible.. but he's coming over on wednesday morning ^^ I slept like hell, was awake every hour.. so today I feel like crap.. I secretly hope that my Spanish teacher is still sick.. that would mean a lot of time in between classes, but I don't care, I just don't feel like taking any classes.. ow well, we'll see. EDIT: darn, she's not sick anymore.. just my luck to Silver-sama: I love you honey. you know you're my all. without you, I would stop living. even though I might not really die. I miss you so much and I'm so sorry that I'm hurting you. I don't want to hurt or worry you.. I don't know why I'm putting this here either.. *long hugs* I wish you were here.. wednesday should come soon. to my imooto-chan: your letter is coming, I'll start on it today. or at least, I'll try to.. well, I don't feel too well, so I figure I should stop torturing myself and get the hell away from this laptop. have a great day everyone *hugs you all* I'm outta here

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