Monday, November 6, 2006

   I wanna talk with people and look 'em in the face..

"Bowlingballs"-ICP I'm a walking contradiction.. and a hypocrite.. and just plain confused as usual.. I've been gloomy again lately.. it really sucks, cause I had a wonderful time with Silvereagle-sama this weekend and I still ended up crying.. *sigh* I just feel so alone.. when I think about it, I don't really talk to anyone but Silver-sama.. and with talking, I mean real conversations. it's more like I leave messages for people and after a while, they leave a message for me.. it may sound pretty good, but in the end, it's not the same.. I don't really talk to anyone at school. I don't really want to with them actually.. they're just not my kind of people, ya know? I write letters to my imooto-chan Magnus, but I never get to talk to her on MSN or anything.. don't get me wrong, she is one of my closest and best friends and I love writing to her, but it always takes so long (especially when I can't get myself to freaking write a reply, I'm so sorry imooto-chan T_T) and sometimes I get to talk to Grifter-san. those are great talks, even though he has to work a lot, so it's mostly like ten minutes a night, spread over three hours or something.. but it's still something ^^ I guess over the summer I got used to having a friend who was there to talk to every day for at least a little while.. and if we couldn't talk, we'd text each other.. but I had to fuck that friendship up.. I'm whining, cause it's my own fault. I don't start conversations. I don't try my best to keep in touch with the people who actually seem to like talking to me.. I close myself off from the world and then get all sad over having no one to talk to.. it's stupid, cause I only want to need and want Silvereagle-sama.. but I want someone else to talk to too.. *sigh* then there's me telling my friends to follow their own happiness.. and that mostly ends up with them leaving my life too.. but I can't be mad at them. I actually understand that they don't want me there.. and I keep giving everyone the same damn advice: 'take care of yourself first, make sure that you're happy and then look at other people to be with..' I guess I'm just hoping for someone to tell me that their happiness involves me in their lives.. I'm still waiting.. I should do something about this instead of whining about it to you all.. sorry guys.. and don't get me wrong, I consider most of you as very close friends! and I love your comments and messages ^^ I guess I'm just looking for more.. I'm never satisfied, I'm just needy I guess.. ^^" my throat hurts and I've got a pretty bad cold, but I'm not really sick thank goodness ^^ I just need some rest, lots of tea and sweet things ^^ ok, the weekend. I went to Silvereagle-sama on friday. his co-worker didn't have time, so we stayed home, watching tv and just taking it easy ^^ my order from Hatchetgear came in.. well, that's what I thought anyway.. they got ONE out of THREE ordered items right *sighs* so now, I have the book I ordered, can't wait to read it either, but I HAVE to finish the Preston&Child book first! the dog tag I ordered was indeed missing, I alerted them through a form at the site, but haven't gotten any reply to it yet.. as for the bag.. they send me a purse instead.. the one I received is smaller, has less pockets and such, was cheaper than the ordered one and to sum it all up, I just didn't want it!! AAAHHH!!! so that had to be send back, with a copy of the invoice and a detailed note describing the problem.. the problem is that this isn't the shit I ordered!! ow well, I understand that they have some problems with the new start-up of the site.. so now, I'll just have to wait for a reply.. I'll just have to be patient and in the end, I'm sure that I'll get my shit ^^ cause the bag and the tag aren't out of stock yet(though the purse that they send me IS out of stock now *laughs*) we went to sleep pretty early and we just enjoyed each other's presence ^^ the one thing I miss when we sleep together, is the possibility to find a cold spot on the bed once I get too warm.. we have to sleep in a one-person bed together, so it gets pretty crowded *laughs* anywho, after a pretty good night of sleep, it was saturday *le gasp* we went to the postoffice to send back the purse. then we just wandered around the mall for a while. in the afternoon we met up with a friend of Silver-sama and we went shopping, even though we're both kinda broke ^^" well, I'm not really THAT broke, but I left my ATM-card at home -_-" so Silver-sama had to pay for everything for me.. I did pay him back right away on sunday ^^ *proud* I needed a shirt for under one of my new sweaters and I actually found one ^^ I felt guilty for dragging Silver-sama and his friend into the clothing stores though.. I tried to make it as fast as possible ^^" I also bought a Manga Drawing Set, which contains a pencil, two drawing pens (a thick and a thin one) and two instruction books ^^ I really want to work on my drawing some more ^^ and last, but certainly not least, I bough nine volumes of the Grifter comic ^^ Grifter-san made me curious I guess.. and I just think that the Grifter is hot hehe ^^ too bad the comic book store didn't have the first volumes, so I'm trying to keep myself from reading it before I find the first ones.. but on sunday, I just couldn't contain myself anymore and I read one volume.. and I got instantly hooked ^^' so I'm planning on going into the city next to mine this week, where I know another comics store and try to see if they have some more volumes for me.. and if they don't have it, I'll try some stores in Rotterdam.. and if all else fails, I'll have to try and find them on the internet ^^ (Grifter-san, if you read this, feel free to direct me to some sites if you know any ^^ *glomps* pwease?) anywho, after all that shopping, we went back home and had another quiet evening, cause there wasn't a party after all. can't say I minded, cause I was tired as hell ^^" then we went to my home and Silver-sama stayed over ^^ on sunday morning, he came into my room and got into bed with me.. I really can't tell you guys how much I love that feeling.. just the fact that he is holding me in his arms.. it's so safe and warm.. *sighs* I really can't wait 'till we get to live together, though it will take a while before we have enough money.. we had a nice quiet day. we went to see my grandmother, just cause I felt like going there again for a change and she even gave me some money for my trip next week ^^ I really didn't expect that hehe ^^' she's so sweet ^^ I slept through a big part of the afternoon and in the evening we had our usual routine, meaning we watched some Mythbusters and then switched to Bones ^^ and then it was time for Silver-sama to leave again T_T I'm really going to miss him this week, cause he's got the late-shift.. and next week might get pretty bad too, cause that's usually the week in which we see each other more often cause he has the day-shift.. my plans for this week: -clean up my computer for a bit. I still want to sort all my ICP songs into folders with their different albums. this way I'll know which songs I'm still missing and I'll have to find a way to get them.. maybe my brother can download them for me.. or maybe when Silver-sama's pc works fully again(it's kinda messed up at the moment, poor honey *glomps*), he can do it for me.. -go on comic hunt, I'm actually looking forward to that ^^ I'm weird and get addicted really fast, I know, but I don't really care ^^ and while I'm at it, I need new earphones for my mp3-player.. the left side kinda died, so now I only have sound on the right side ^^" -work on my drawing for a bit -get some well needed rest -try to find out what I need to take with me to Finland and Sweden (warm sweaters for sure, it's below freezing point over there, I heard *shivers*) -finish reading the Preston&Child book! I've been trying to get through it for too long and I want to read the ICP biografy hehe ^^' -try to finish my letter to my imooto-chan!! very important!! -visit the doc, before I get stuck without pills again (I'll run out of them halfway my trip hehe ^^') -and of course try to keep up with all of you guys!! I've been a bad visitor and friend and I really should work on that!! I'll try to visit everyone this week, but I can't promise anything!! well, it probably looks like a busy week, but it shouldn't be too bad ^^ and now, it's time for me to try and get some more sleep, maybe my throat will get better with some rest and warmth ^^ by the way, how do you guys like the pic at the end of my post? I'm thinking of adding it to every post.. but only if you guys like it ^^ well, maybe I still will even if you don't like it hehe ^^ clown love to you all I'm outta here

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