Monday, November 20, 2006

   I don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you..

"Not the Doctor"-Alanis Morissette hey guys ^^ yep, as promised, I'm back, posting and commenting again ^^ this post will be short though, I don't have much to say really... the weekend was wonderful!! I really mean it!! work was tiring, but great fun, seeing my boss and his wife together made me laugh a lot *grins* he just suddenly turned into this giddy, happy person I didn't know hehe ^^ and he isn't a cranky person at all to begin with!! so that was fun ^^ and after work, Silver-sama picked me up ^^ it was so good to see him again, even though I was still a bit mad at him hehe ^^' we ate at my house (chinese food, it was so yummy and SPICY!!!) and then just hung out a little. we were just acting silly and all of a sudden I was on the ground, laughing my ass off ^^ I swear, I haven't laughed like that in a loooong time. way too long and it felt so good to be able to again. and what made it all even better was the look on Silver-sama's face when he saw me happy like that. I want to be able to make him that happy for the rest of his life!! I have to overcome my depression and I am going to, just for him! even though I very often still bounce all over the place emotionally-wise, I feel that the pills are really helping me. it gets easier to deal with things, my head is more at peace. some people say or think that taking pills like this is a way of running away from it all. it really isn't. taking a pill won't make my problems go away. it doesn't cloud my mind or erase my memory of all the crap that has been happening to me. what it does do, is help me take care of one problem at a time. it reduces the amount of panic attacks and it takes care of my sleeping problems (in combination with the sleeping pills of course) it helps me deal with it all in a calm, controlled manner, without me stressing out over every single thing. and, and this is the best part of it all, it makes me able to enjoy the nice moments fully, without constantly having a little voice in the back of my head that says that it won't last, that I don't deserve it all. I still have times at which I believe that I really don't deserve all the wonderful friends, all the love and caring that I get from Silver-sama and you guys.. but lately, there have been more and more times at which I believe that I do deserve it all and when I know that it will last as long as I am willing to fight for it and not give up. it's weird for me to have friends who stick with me through my depressed periods. I used to have friends who ignored me while I wasn't fun to be around, now I have people who comfort me and give me the hugs and love I need to become fun again ^^ I have to say this.. I really love all of you guys and I really hope that I can be a friend to all of you like you are to me! alright, back to the weekend ^^ after messing around like that, just being silly and giddy, me and Silver-sama left for his house and I got to have a wonderful night of sleep in his arms ^^ sunday, we didn't do much that I can discuss in this blog *laughs* but I did pretty much tire Silver-sama out *winks* it was a wonderful day, full of relaxing and just enjoying each other's presence ^^ and for dinner we had *dun dun dunnnn* MORE CHINESE FOOD!!! YAY!!! I tried something new (of course it was still chicken, I adore chicken!!) and it was yummy too ^^ and of course, in the evening we watched Bones and then it was time for me to go home again... and today.. it's school again.. I'm thinking of skipping the last class and take a little quick trip to the huge bookstore.. maybe I'll buy the last volume of Ranma 1/2 after all.. I really want to read it as soon as possible, even though I put it on my Christmas-list.. ow well, I'll see ^^ I should try and find out how much money I still owe my mom before I spend a lot.. cause I might already have to borrow from Silver-sama again.. ok, I'll try and find that out first, cause I should be able to calculate it all using my receipts from last week ^^ this post is getting long after all *laughs* ow well, I think I'm done now.. unless a totally random rant will come into my head in the next three seconds.. ........................................ nope ^^ check out Poisened Rain, it's a forum, even though the little link I made to it makes it look otherwise *grins* I'm outta here, much clown love to you all ^^

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