Wednesday, April 27, 2011

^__^
Have not updated since I got out of the hospital.. Well you guys should know, I did relapse briefly. My weight went back down, not AS low but low nonetheless. However I worked on it with the help and support of my friends, family, and an outpatient treatment program, and I am currently at 98 pounds. It's a struggle, and the honest truth is that my ED will always be there, and I will always be fighting this battle. However I have been able to eat more normally than I have in years! Hence why we are going out for Mexican tonite.. or not really why, but how I am able to :)
Grant and I are very serious. It feels weird, because everyone in our group seems to be settling down! Remi and Miles have been settled down since junior high so that's nothing new. But I still can't believe Mina has a family now! And that Gretchen is engaged, and plans to start a family soon hahah. My sister Kat is also in a pretty serious relationship with a Russian guy hahahah. As for Brita, she just broke things off with a guy she was dating for like 2 or 3 years. She's so strong and independent! She's focusing on herself and her career, so proud of her! She's only 20 years old, she sees no reason to settle down at this age. Remi and Miles really are the only acceptable exception hahah. Seriously, WHO dates someone since the 6th grade consistently? SOULMATES, that's who. They've been 'engaged' since sophomore or junior year of high school. Remi is not rushing into a wedding. She's enjoying her old people relationship, early nights in with Miles, drinking tea and watching reality tv hahaha.
As for me and Grant, we've been together for like 2 years officially? idk honestly, I don't care about stuff like that. I only really had 1 serious relationship before him. Remember Nicky? Well we're still good friends. And if ever I DID marry Grant, Nicky would be there hahaha. But things are effortless with Grant, and that's what I love!

Mom and Dad invited him to come along with us to Russia this year! I am so excited! Grant has offered to pay for himself countless times but my dad is way too hard-headed an rich to let that happen.. haha I don't brag about money but it's no secret my father has always loved spoiling me. So in the fall probably, my parents, Kat, her boyfriend, Grant and I (along with the Russian family we have in America- Naty will come, and some others I've never mentioned here) will go over to Mother Russia for probably a month :) Grant gets to meet ALL my family!! I am so excited! I take advantage of any chance I get to 'live' in Russia. Though California and LA is my home, I don't think anything can ever really beat Russia for me. This works out because I had to withdraw from school when I was hospitalized, and I havent gone back yet. I'm in no rush, honestly. I don't know what I'm gonna do just yet, but I'm finding myself. Kat is graduating, so she'll have time. And I think Grant is gonna end up working with my dad.. he's in school but nothing that can't be..adjusted. heheh.

Okay so Remi and I have to go meet the boys now. Hopefully we can catch a movie after. I will definitely try to update more often, it's so therapeutic!
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Sunday, September 5, 2010

I'm back
Whoah. That was..quite an experience. I don't even know if I should go into details. I got worse, at first. It was so, so bad. Remi came and told me Miles didn't want to see me like that. Grant visited and I fucking made him cry :(
I realized I couldn't keep doing this to the people I care most about. I don't want to hurt them, ever. It was hard, and fucking grueling but I think I stabilized myself. As best that someone who was fucking 80lbs can. I'm at 95lbs now. They weren't gonna let me out til I was 101, so I got up to 100, and I just gained water weight right before my last weigh in. I dropped back down to 95 pretty quickly after I got home. I know its sneaky and I'm not supposed to, but I'm better! God Rem's gonna kill me if she reads this. I don't understand why they find it so important for me to be at least 101. I'm fine!
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Sunday, May 9, 2010

   Hey guys.
Well, I had to go to some evaluations and everything. My mom and Kat took me to all these 'special places', until we decided on one..I'm not gonna say what its called or where its at, but Im spending Mothers Day here at home, then Im leaving on like tuesday, and idk when I'll be back..
shit.



Age: 19
Height: 5’2
Weight: 80-85lbs..this morning I was 81
Dress Size: i dont even know, I make my own stuff lately.
Highest Weight: shit like 125? I was such a fatass
Lowest Weight (at height): 77lbs. Lasted like 2 days.
Goal Weight: maybe 90? But I need to be 101 to be 'healthy'
Favorite Diet Food: water and an orange.
Favorite Binge Food: russian food
Favorite Exercise: running
Favorite Thinspo: haha,
Where Do You Slip Up: when Im with friends and family.

When Did It Start?
Hating your body: junior high
Restricting/counting: I was 15
Does Anyone Know: obviously.
You Want Help: I think I do.

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day: under 500
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: fat fat, stomach, never enough.
Are You In A Relationship: yea.
Are You Depressed: by the standards, yes.
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: =(
Ever Been To A Psychologist: yes

I AM -
[x] anorexic
[x] ednos
[no but ive done it] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[x] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[x] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[ ] participating in a fast


PEOPLE -
[x] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic

I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[ ] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia then maybe i would be a little more normal


I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE -
[x] I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily.
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[x] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I have/had braces.
[x] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.


FAMILY -
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[ ] I’ve run away from home.
[ ] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I’ve had children.
[ ] I’ve lost a child.


EMBARRASSMENT -
[x] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[ ] I’ve peed from laughing.
[ ] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[x] I’ve glued my hand to something
[ ] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS -
[ ] I’m single
[x] I’m in a relationship.
[ ] I’m married.
[ ] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[ ] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[ ] I’ve cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I’ve gotten divorced
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[ ] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY -
[x] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ ] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[ ] I am a cuddler.
[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY -
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[ ] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[x] I’ve been suspended from school.


BAD TIMES -
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[ ] I regularly drink.
[ ] I can’t swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[x] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[ ] I’m addicted to self harm.
[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[x] I’m at my thinnest
[ ] I’m at my biggest
[x] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[ ] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[ ] I thrive on compliments
[ ] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[x] I’ve spat food out
[x] I’ve fasted
[x] I’ve taken diet pills
[x]I’ve used laxatives
[x] I’ve purged
[x] I exercise
[ ] I exercise so I can eat
[ ] I work out secretly
[ ] I work out daily
[ ] I exercise to counteract eating
[x] I’ve fainted from exhaustion

I’VE DONE -
[x] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[x] Anti-depressants
[x] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[ ] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine
[ ] Other
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[ ] I have a diet blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I’m doing this for me
[] I’m doing this for someone
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself


well that was depressing.
I've got to go, I'm going to go sleep everything off.
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Saturday, May 1, 2010

   uhh
I'm sick.
Grant, Miles, Bri, and Rem did something, and I have to go away now..
I really didn't do this on purpose! I tried not to let it happen again but it happened. Its not that I'm unhappy, I love my life, and everyone in it..


5'2, 80-85 lbs.

bye you guys,
I'll come back when I can.
:|
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Monday, August 3, 2009

   Weeeee
Englaaaandd is looove<33 But still cant wait to go to Moscow again >.< hometown withdrawal hahahha Sooo Mina is due November/decemberish, so we're in England, and in September probably we're gonna dash to Moscow, until late September, early November, and we'll head back to L.A. for Mina's baby. And we're gonna stay there for a while, until we figure everythaaang out. Sososososoo excited for everything! But fuckk I miss GRANT!! Papa has been offering to send him over, hhahaha, but just like my DUMBASS BFF MILES, grant is doing some summer program thing, so maybe he'll come along with miles after its over<33 but im a tough girl, i can last another month til we go back home. Ahhh, the streets of London are calling, i must go! We're meeting Rem's cousin Yuki tonite! and her boyfriend Edward! Isn't that quaint, his name is Edward! Yuki and Edward! wellll yea, we gotta go, BYE!! love, andraya
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