Friday, December 24, 2004

Merry Christmas

Political correctness be damned, Merry Christmas. I already wished everyone a Happy Channukah a couple weeks ago, anyway. So Merry Christmas, everyone. May your weekend by a safe and joyful one. In other news, I finally finished the second episode of Justice League Unscrewed. And in case you were wondering, yes. The Teen Trouble Alert segment has been added between parts 1 and 2 of the episode. I'll be at my dad's house this weekend, and I don't know if I'll get around to writing any entries. We'll see how that turns out. In a bit of sad news, the state has once again increased the dollar-per-unit fees of community colleges. If this keeps up, my tuition will completely defeat the purpose of why I chose community college over a state school (paying less money). I know I'm not a whore, but why is Governor Schwarzenegger screwing me over like I am one? Much Love

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Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Obscure Fanboy Rant of Rage: Secret Identities

Obscure Fanboy Rant of Rage Secret Identities As a comic book fan, I often find myself asking how most superheroes keep their identities secret. Some of them are clever, sure, but others completely lack imagination. Now, you might ask yourself why they keep secret identities. It's simple. Very few superheroes have the will power to fight crime 24/7. Imagine stopping for groceries, only to be attacked by legions of fans and the wannabe supervillain who works in the produce aisle. Nobody needs that. I'll start with the most obvious superhero. Superman. The first thing you'll notice is that Superman's entire disguise is a pair of glasses. Obviously, you wouldn't expect some guy named Guido from Jersey to know who the hell Clark Kent is. Not only is Clark's regular public exposure a semi-daily newspaper biline, but he's a freaking low-profile reporter. Lois Kent is the one who gets all the front page crap about terrorists and political scandals. Clark writes the reports about finds in the scientific community, the local bakery, and the elementary school running out of chalk. I'm more upset that Lois had to be told they were the same man. I mean, shit. I got my first pair of glasses when I was 16, but everybody recognized me when I showed up at school the next day. Top investigative reporter, indeed. Next comes that jerk Peter Parker, aka Spider-Man. At first, you'd think Peter had the perfect disguise. You can't even see his skintone beneath his mask. And who'd ever suspect Peter Parker? He's a high school teacher! But how many times must Spider-Man make out with Mary-Jane Parker before people catch on? "Hm. Peter doesn't seem to mind that a masked vigilante gets to second base with his wife on a regular basis." I'll give Aunt May her credit, though. She knew what Peter was doing the whole time. Up until a year or so ago, the X-Men's identities were secret. I know, I'm surprised, too. But no one knew Cyclops was really Scott Summers, Phoenix was really Jean Grey-Summers, or Professor X. was Charles Xavier. As far as anyone knew, Xavier was a human who knew a hell of a lot about mutants, and ran a private school in Weschester. How nobody recognized his students is beyond me, but what can you do? Recently, while under the possession of his evil twin sister, Professor X "came out the closet," as it were, about he being the leader of the X-Men, and his school haboring mutants. He shortly abandoned the school altogether, and moved to Genosha to start one of his "Magneto and I are still friends" phases. The current Batgirl, Cassandra Cain, totally screwed herself over. She grew up without an identity-- no birth records, no first name until ex-Batgirl Barbara Gordon started calling her Cassandra. Batman made her the new Batgirl, and even gave her a new suit. Babs Gordon was working on forging a fake identity for her, until Cass made the huge mistake of going out and stopping a crime in borad daylight without so much as putting on a mask. What's worse, is that she was toppling a government conspiracy, and they got her face on file. So now Batgirl can't even go out in public mask-less, because she blew an identity she didn't even have yet. Way to go, bitch. But what do I know? The Fantastic 4 go out in public all the time, and nobody recognizes them until they see Ben "The Thing" Grimm. And let's be honest-- Sue keeps him invisible whenever they go to Starbucks. Much Love

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Monday, December 20, 2004

Manicisms

I got Charles to change my OB name from Manic to Manic Webb, so now there should be less confusion for anyone searching for my myOtaku. Well, I got one of my Christmas presents early. My grandparents took me to the Cingular store to get me a new mobile phone. Okay, I already had a phone, but it was cracked and I couldn't turn it off. It was stuck on all the time, which sucked when it was low on power. So I got a new phone. It doesn't have any fancy cameras on it, and it's not so thin I'd be bound to drop it at least 12 times a day. I didn't even put a full-audio ringtone on it. It plays a midi of the chorus to "ABC" by the Jackson 5. What? I like old school. I hate shopping. I still have half of my Christmas shopping to do. Luckily, I have a plan. If my experience working in the mall last Christmas has taught me anything, it's that the mall opens an hour early this time of the year, and it's completely empty because nobody knows it. Also, people are less likely to shop on a Monday or Tuesday. So my plan is to hit the mall as early as possible, and beat the inevitable rush that will strike the mall at noon. It's strange. I can't think of too much to buy myself this year. So far, I got myself a sweater. I might buy the first volume of Cable & Deadpool, but that's just my normal, pointless spending. Eh. Plus I'm a geek. Must... finish... writing... Justice League... parody! I stopped by a research place at the Great Mall the other day. They weren't hiring (damn), but I did manage to earn a quick $4 taking a survey. And that's all I got for today. Tune in next time, kids. Much Love

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Friday, December 17, 2004

Not as good as the original, but...

Shinmaru is gonna kill me for this, but... To answer your questions... No, nothing is sacred. Yes, I am evil. The first article can be read here. Hairy Toes Give Away Alleged Peeper Yay! I've always wanted an alleged peeper! JAMESTOWN, N.C. -- Hairy toes gave away an alleged peeping in the women's locker room at the Mary Perry Ragsdale YMCA. "Don't look now..." the toes said. A Greensboro man hiding in the women's locker room was caught peeping after a woman in a neighboring shower stall spotted his hairy feet, authorities said. God! Anyone with common sense knows that you shave and wax before planning this kind of stunt! That includes toes. David Herbert Witham, 43, was charged with six counts of "secretly peeping in the room of females." Wait... he was caught 6 times? Didn't he learn anything the 5th time? Authorities said a man hid in a shower stall and used a small mirror to catch glimpses of showering and disrobing women. He failed to conceal his bare feet. *writes this down* ...mirror...wear shower shoes and/or invest in foot moisturizer... "One of the victims saw his feet, and they were hairy," said Sgt. J.D. Church of the Guilford County Sheriff's Department. "We're talking, like, Sasquatch-hairy! This guy was ape-shit outta Planet of the Apes!" Police said several women were in the locker room at the time of the incident. One of the women notified YMCA management, who called authorities. The rest of the women? Massive orgy. The second article can be read here. Fourth-grader suspended over suspected 'Jell-O shots' O_o An 8-year-old girl was suspended for nine days for bringing to school what appeared to be about 30 "Jell-O shots" -- though it was unclear whether they contained alcohol. Note: They suspended her before figuring out if the shots even had alcohol. The incident occurred Nov. 29, as the girl stood after classes outside Geraldine Boudreaux Elementary School in Terrytown, a New Orleans suburb. A teacher spotted liquid dripping out of the student's bookbag and found what looked like the small cups of alcohol-laced gelatin that are sold in bars, schools spokesman Jeff Nowakowski said. See, if she had just given a free shot to the lunch lady, she could've kept them in the fridge for her, and shifted all blame in the event she got caught. The girl told the principal that her mother, who works in a bar, makes alcoholic shots at home and sells them at work. The fourth-grader said her mother had instructed her to take the shots to school and sell them, three for $1, to make some money for Christmas, Nowakowski said. See? They were prepared by a professional, and it's for a good cause. The gelatin was turned over to the sheriff's department for testing to see if it contained alcohol. The sheriff couldn't be contacted for comment, due to his massive hang-over. The girl was suspended for violating school rules against possessing or trying to distribute a "lookalike," or something that appears to contain drugs or alcohol. But... she brought Jell-O. Under the lookalike rule, the girl's suspension will stand no matter what the sheriff's department finds. "We at the sheriff's department found no alcohol in the Jell-O. In fact, these aren't shot glasses at all. They're prepackaged Jell-O cups." "Well too-fucking-bad." "The school system's position is, it doesn't matter if it had alcohol in it or not," Nowakowski said. Of course it doesn't matter. Ending the suspension would mean a federal employee would admit to being wrong. The names of the girl and her mother were not released. Why not? It'd be good for business. The mother must also allow school officials to test her daughter's hair for signs of drug use, Nowakowski said. Wait-- what? *reads article again* When did her hair and drugs get involved? Much Love

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Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Cartoon Chronicles: Educatoon #8

For those of you curious as to what the lie was in the "Two Truths and a Lie" part of the survey in my last post... I hate spinning rims. Personally, I think they're evil. That's right. EVIL! What kind of self-indulgent asshole would waste their money on wheel rims that keep on going when they car stop? It's like they saw them and went "Oooh, shiny! 20inch wheel thingy go round!" Go out right now and find a car with spinning rims, and tell me those things aren't crafted by Satan himself. Well, it looks like the end of my Cartoon Chronicles... for now. What you're about to read (assuming you don't skip over it) will be the final one of the year. After this, I don't know what to move on to. I'm torn between Cute Things (cute creatures that don't exist in nature, like the Smurfs) and Scray Shhh (cartoons featuring monsters and creepy stuff). Either way, you won't see it until well into January. Until then, you'll have to endure two new features I'm going to write for my blog: Obscure Fanboy Rants of Rage (stuff only other geeks will understand) and This Week In Stupidity (to be announced). For now, let's dive into the final Cartoon Chronicle for the rest of the year... Where On Earth Is Carmen Sandiego? That sneaky, sexy bitch. Meet Zack and Ivy, two detectives working for the (generically named) ACME organization. Yeah, as it turns out, the same organization that sells Wile E. Coyote his faulty gadgets also employ young teenaged detectives to stop convicted felons. Anyway, Zack and Ivy's main goal is to catch the elusive grand-larcenist Carmen Sandiego. Because Carmen is a manipulative bitch who loves to toy around with her persuers, she leaves them clues to her destinations whenever she goes on a crime spree. In fact, most of her crime sprees tend to be connected. If she steals Mozart's piano, her next crime will most likely be to steal some of Bach's sheet music. Yes, I'm aware Mozart was Classical and Bach was Baroque, and that the two forms of music sound almost nothing alike when you compare Baroque music typically consisting of quartets, and Classical using orchestras-- but try to bare with me for humor's sake. Seemingly, the show took place inside of a computer game. Although Zack and Ivy were free to do whatever they wanted, they usually looked directly at your TV screen and told somebody named "Player" to C-5 them to their next destination. This show was a great reference for both geography and history. If Carmen's clues were wooden clog shoes and a picture of Rosie O'Donnell, you had to figure out she was planning steal a dike from Holland. So while the game's player was teleporting our two detectives to Holland, their Chief was giving a quick voice-over of the country's spoken language, sources of international income, hobbies, and turn-ons. Would I recommend it? Yep. It was definitely one of the better cartoons of my generation. Plus they're planning to make a live-action film for 2006. Next Time: Cartoon Chronicles go on a short hiatus. Much Love

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Monday, December 13, 2004

Not Another Blog Survey!

Rather than review my final Cartoon Chronicle of the year, I'm going to postpone it for another day or two. In the meantime, here's a survey I stole liberated from Shinmaru. THREE NAMES YOU GO BY: 1. Kevin 2. Kevo 3. Mr. Webb THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD: 1. Manic_Hedgehog 2. Endymion 3. ManicWebb THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: 1. My sparkling personality. Why's everyone laughing? 2. My teeth. 3. My ability to make sarcasm sound entirely serious THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: 1. My hair. I know it sounds like a girly thing to say, but I can never pick a style for it. 2. My weight. If I were slightly motivated, I'd do something about it. 3. I use sarcasm to drive those close to me away. THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE: 1. Creole (not to be confused with Cajun) 2. African[American] 3. Cherokee THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU: 1. Guns 2. Heights 3. Sharp objects THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS: 1. Television 2. Music 3. Reading THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW: 1. Blue robe 2. White shirt 3. Black sweatpants THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS (or artists at the moment): 1. Raphael Saadiq 2. Maroon 5 3. Stevie Wonder THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT: 1. "Rag Doll" - Maroon 5 2. "Chic" by Raphael Saadiq 3. "As" by Stevie Wonder THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS: 1. Getting out of Community College. Jeeze. 2. Losing weight. Those Subway people seem to look happy. 3. Getting another job. GOD! THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given): 1. Friendship 2. Trust 3. Fun TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE if you can guess the lie, you are amazing: 1. I used to live in the hood. 2. I want spinners (spinning rims) for my car 3. My hair isn't black, but a dark shade of brown. THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU: 1. Eyes. Sometimes I just get entranced. 2. Smooth skin. 3. Proper grooming. We do not tolerate dirty bitches. THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO: 1. A head-stand. I tried once. Ended up in the hospital. 2. Go on a reality show. It compromises my beliefs in good television. 3. Kill another human being. THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES: 1. Singing in my car. 2. Writing parodies. Visit my website! 3. Reading X-Men THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW: 1. Get a job 2. Watch my unwatched DVDs 3. Play one of my unbeaten videogames. Sonic Heroes, Buffy, Simpsons, something, anything. THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING: 1. Screenwriter. I love writing dialogue. 2. Actor. I love the stage. 3. A film critic, so my opinion will have sway. THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION: 1. The UK. Except Wales. 2. Hawaii 3. Aspen, so I can make up the Black population. THREE KID'S NAMES: 1. Dominic 2. Geoffrey 3. Andrea THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE: 1. Watch the 20 highest grossing movies of all time. 2. Father a child. 3. Take my greatest enemies with me, because I'm almost sure I'm going to hell. Much Love

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Sunday, December 12, 2004

Cartoon Chronicles: Educatoon #7

It's chilly outside. So grab a bowl. Well, it's time to do my Christmas shopping. See, I like to start my shopping roughly 10 days before Christmas, and during the middle of the week. Why? Because weekends at the mall are evil, and I swear mall-goers become possessed by Satan himself during the final week before Christmas. I was working in the mall this time last year, and a little old lady shopping in the Disney Store nearly stabbed me to death. Don't believe me? Go to the mall on December 22nd and ask a Toys R Us patron to take a survey. I dare you! Ah, Saturday Night Live. Thank you for letting me know I'm not the only one who noticed Bono from U2 doesn't know how to count. 1-2-3-14, indeed. What's crazier than Mark Hamill playing a robot of questionable sexuality? Nothing! Time Squad It's Go-Time! Don't ask me how, but events in history are undoing themselves. Famous historical figures are behaving out of character, and performing acts that are historically inaccurate. Luckily, the Earth government of the 31st Century has formed Time Squad, a time traveling police force. This show focuses on a Time Squad unit led by Sgt. Buck Tuddrussel. He's very dense, prone to violence, and most likely on steroids. Assigned to accompany him is Larry 3000, a robot built to perform basic diplomatic and translating fuctions, rendered obsolete when the governments of Earth joined as one. Accompanying them is an 8 year old boy named Otto, who they kidnapped from the year 2000. Their job is to go back in time, find someone doing they're not supposed to, and correct it. Sadly, this never works out as planned. Tuddrussel usually ends up beating everyone up, Larry does only what he does best (housekeeping and cooking), and the historical figures themselves appear to be on crack. I can understand if Albert Einstein gave up science for a childhood dream, but he ended up selling used cars in Texas. Luckily, Otto is a history nut who's good at bitching at people until they get it right. While a vast majority of this show was slap-stick comedy/action, they did manage to sneak in a mild history lesson. And by that, I mean Otto would somehow compress Joan of Arc's entire life story into one long, exhausting sentence. Then they'd spend the next 29 minutes of the episode achieving absolutely nothing. Would I recommend it? Maybe. It's not the best cartoon I've ever seen. It's not even the best Cartoon-Cartoon I've seen. It's sort of an acquired taste, but if you like it, you like it. Just don't count on learning much from it. Next Time: Where On Earth Is Carmen Sandiego? She's pretty hot... for a cartoon chick with only half a face. Much Love

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Friday, December 10, 2004

Obscure Fanboy Rants of Rage - Why I'm Not Buying the New Matrix DVD Box Set

I'm postponing today's Cartoon Chronicle. I want to start a little segment I like to call Obscure Fanboy Rants of Rage. Why I'm Not Buying the New Matrix DVD Box Set Today I'll be talking about the Matrix movie franchise, and how the brilliance of the first movie was nearly ruined by its sequels. Now, The Matrix was a good movie. It had a solid story, and air of mystery, and a philosophical subplot (or two) that allowed you to actually think while watching the mind-blowing action scenes. It had a very open-ended ending, and I think most fans were satisfied with this film even before they knew there were going to be sequels to conclude it. Then came Matrix Reloaded. I can say in all seriousness that Matrix Reloaded is the least coherent sequel I have ever seen in my entire life. By that, I mean that this movie cannot stand on its own two legs. It needs crutches from the other facets of the Matrix franchise to do that. The movie didn't have a beginning-- you actually needed to watch the Animatrix to see the beginning of the movie. The middle of the movie had plot holes that the viewer could only fill in if they bought, played, and beat the Enter the Matrix video game. I'm sure the Wachowskis thought they were damn clever ending this movie on a cliffhanger, but it didn't take some fans more than a week to correctly guess how Neo stopped the sentinels. More than that, the ending had more viewers saying "what the hell?" than any other movie I've seen. Okay, there was David Spade's Joe Dirt movie, but that was an entirely different "what the hell?" Then there's the Architect. To this day, I'm not sure if the Architect was just being a jackass when he spoke to Neo with indirect answers to his questions, cryptic phrasing, and unnecessarily complex buzz words; or if the Wachowski brothers are jackasses for writing dialogue that uses indirect answers to questions, cryptic phrasing, and unnecessarily complex buzz words. Matrix Revolutions wasn't as bad as Reloaded. In fact, I like Revolutions almost as much as the first movie. It's just the unneeded existance of Reloaded that gets to me. My only real gripe with Revolutions (aside from the fight scene that made me want to go home and watch Dragonball Z) is how it ended. The abstract part of the ending works much better than the hard/physical part of the ending. You can analyze the meaning behind Neo's sacrifice all you want-- it makes for good conversation-- but there was one important factor missing from that sacrifice. The thing that made the first movie so popular was that you could enjoy it as both a solid action movie, and an intellectual science fiction film. I'm not going to get into the intellectual level the movie was at, because this isn't about the more intellectual aspects of the movies at all. If it were, this rant would be much longer. Neo's sacrifice was filled with abstract meaning, but lacked the solidity of a plain action film. There are people who saw the first Matrix movie, enjoyed it, weren't confused, and didn't have to look for any kind of deeper meaning. You couldn't do that with Revolutions. People were confused when they saw the end. Neo stood there, Smith did something to him, bingo-bango, everything's back to normal. "What the hell?" Anybody who wanted to see an action film has just become completely lost. Is it a bad thing that they have to go out of their way to think about what just happened? No. Should they have to? They didn't have to when they saw the first movie, so why now? I guess what I'm really saying here is that the first movie was great, the second movie wasn't good for anything except building up suspense for the third movie, and the third movie's ending was inconsistent with the "think if you want to" feeling we were given by the first. Also, Final Flight of the Osiris should've been in Reloaded. So should the scenes from the video game. And if you already own the movies, do you honestly think you should bother buying them again just to watch 900 discs of extras? Think about that. Much Love

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Wednesday, December 8, 2004

Happy (C)Hannukah / Cartoon Chronicles: Educatoon #6

I'd like to wish all my Jewish friends out there a Happy Hannukah. However, since I don't actually know anyone Jewish, you can consider this gesture very much moot. I'm very upset with Donald Trump and the huge trend he's started. Everywhere you go, people are saying "you're fired." I was saying that long before Trump made it his catchphrase. Don't believe me? Check out this November 14th, 2003 blog entry. Now grab your partner, and bring it on home with another Cartoon Chronicle. Hoowee!! School House Rock Where grammar school meets music. It was the 1970s, and they (don't ask who "they were") needed to find a new way to get their kids to pay attention their school lessons. The answer? Combine education with the hipness of contemporary (1970s) music. Enter School House Rock. This series of songs and animated shorts allowed kids to ask such questions as "Conjunction junction, what's your function?" They also learned that Bill sits on Capitol Hill, what the heck an interjection is, and exactly how electricity reaches your house. And these songs were really really catchy, too. If you grew up on these songs, I can guarantee you that if "Conjunction Junction" came on TV or the radio right now, you could sing along to it. Not that you ever really cared, but you learned something after hearing one of these songs. The people who came up with this were geniuses. Of course, with today's competitive parents and the jump in the educational system (did you know you're expected to read before starting Kindergarten these days?), it'd be best to start your kids on these cartoons when they're still in the womb. Would I recommend it? Yes. In fact, more than anything else on this Educatoon list. It's just classic animation. Besides, can you name any other good cartoons from the 1970s? I thought not. Next Time: Time Squad. It's Go-time! Much Love

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Saturday, December 4, 2004

"Blaxploitation Night" Preview / Cartoon Chronicles: Educatoon #5

You know, maybe I should update my website one of these days. I've been writing JLU's second episode for about a month now. It shouldn't even take this long, but I got a case of the lazies. I might as well get around to finishing it before Christmas. In the mean time, here's a few samples of what I've written so far of Justice League Unscrewed episode 2: "Blaxploitation Night" (parody of "In Blackest Night.") Foxy Ladies: We love you, Johnny! John Stewart: I love you too, ladies. Fine Bitches: Hey, John. John: Afternoon, bitches. Spanish Mamacita: Ay Papi! John: Hola, mamacita. Fly Honey: John Stewart, can you teach me how to love? Soul Sista: I'm talking 'bout my soul food kitchen. I got a special today on fried chicken, barbeque ribs, watermelon, and grape soda. Green Lantern: What do you jive turkeys want? Tha Man's Hunter: We were sent here by Tha Man to arrest John Stewart for 3 billion counts of murder. Flash: You've got to be kidding. (puts his hand on Green Lantern's shoulder) Ol' Johnny, here? Green Lantern: Get your hand off my shoulder, honky. Today's Cartoon Chronicle... Magic School Bus According to my research... Welcome to Ms. Frizzle's science class, the class that takes more unscheduled field trips than permitted by state law. What very few people realize is that Ms. Frizzle owns a magical school bus capable of transforming into anything she wants. In fact, it's all part of her teaching method. Unlike normal teachers, when Ms. Frizzle wants to teach you about the human digestive system, she doesn't just pull out a text book and a plastic model. She piles up the class in the bus, shrinks you down to microscopic size, and gives you a guided tour through some guy's belly. Someone in school stayed home sick? She's taking the class to his house, shrinking you down, and showing you the germs responsible up-close. Want to know where chocolate comes from? The bus turns into a plane, flies you to South America, and shows you the cocoa beans in their natural habitat. She also had a teacher's assistant: a lizard named (all together) Liz. She was also the class pet. Like all cartoon animals in her situation, Liz didn't talk, but acted just as human as anyone else on the show. The students themselves were a card, as well. You had the book-carrying girl who always liked to do something like research rain while she was turned into a rain drop. There was the new girl who would say something like "we never traveled through deep space at my old school." There was the Asian girl, black guy, and Latino who were good at being Asian, black, and Latino. Of course, there was the kid who never wanted to get in the bus, in fear of falling out the window during their field trip and getting digested. Would I recommend it? Yes. It didn't try to fool you into thinking it was non-educational. It knew what it was, it taught you something scientific, and it was actually pretty funny for what it was. They also corrected any scientific inaccuracies at the end of the show, telling you what was added for the sake of entertainment. Next Time: School House Rock. You know you love it. Much Love

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