Thursday, December 2, 2004

Cartoon Chronicles: Educatoon #4

It doesn't matter if you're Muslim, a Christian, or a Jew Doesn't matter if you're agnostic and you don't know what to do. It all includes a celebration No contractual obligations Happy Chrismahannukwanzaakah to you. That song's been stuck in my head for weeks. Real catchy, though. Maybe I'm just dense, but it took me 900 viewings of that commercial before I noticed they were selling Virgin Mobile phones. Whatever happened to good shows on KidsWB? Here comes a new Chronicle... Histeria! The exclaimation is part of the title. Somewhere down the line, the execs at the WB figured it would be a good idea to make a cartoon where a finite cast of characters would humorously reinact famous events in history. Enter Histeria!, a show where Father Time and his cast of "not ready for time" players give the audience a history lesson in the strangest way possible. The cast itself was wacky. There was World's Oldest Woman, which was both a title and her name; the far too chipper Pepper Mills; Toast, a little boy who was hitting puberty awfully early; and Loud Kiddington, a kid too loud for his own good. There were others, but I honestly don't remember them. They'd each take on the role of a historical figure (such as World's Oldest Woman posing as Cleopatra), and proceed to inaccurately act out historic events, as they dicate the correct events aloud. While the show was clearly geared for a younger audience, a few of the events they covered could be found in the history classes of junior high and high school students... at least in California's public education system. Would I recommend it? If someone like Cartoon Network ever gets around to syndicating the show, I don't see why not. It got a little campy at times, but what KidsWB show from the 1990s didn't? Next Time: Magic School Bus. Complete with a theme song by Little Richard. Oh, shut up! Much Love

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Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Cartoon Chronicles: Educatoon #3

It's official. I now have a new-found respect for Country music. While I was at my dad's house this past week, I was sleeping in my step-brother's old bedroom. He's since moved out, so I had the whole room to myself. Now, I'm one of those people who need to leave the TV on before they can go to sleep at night. Thus, I watch TV all night, every night. Usually, I watch Cartoon Network or Boomerang all night. However, my step-bro's old TV (which he's had since I was 4 years old) only goes as high as channel 36. So all I had to watch was network television, public television, some local broadcast crap, the Food Network, Country Music Television, and FX. Needless to say, I learned how to bake one hell of a bunt cake. Also, I learned to appreciate Country music. Those guys know how to rock it out, and kick out the jams. Granted, I still hate that one hand-played string instrument that sounds like drowning dead zombie cats, and I still think Toby Keith is an asshole, but at least I no longer can say I don't like the genre. I could even get into the whole Country Western culture... if I didn't despise line dancing, weren't moderately liberal, and super-humanly Black. Hold onto your knickers! It's time for another Chronicle! Dora the Explorer Swiper No Swiping! Meet Dora, your average 5 year old girl... with a pet pink monkey named Boots. Why is his name Boots? It's all he wears. Dora and Boots like to wander through the forest, helping whatever animal or talking inanimate object needs their help. It's usually something like a mother bird who needs help back to her nest to feed her kids, or a talking single-car train racing to some big yellow station. Everything, and I do mean everything, on this show sings. Whenever Dora begins her journey, the first thing she does it ask her singing backpack to pull out the map. Short before the talking map gives Dora any directions, it sings the "I'm the map" song, which consists of singing "I'm the map" 8000 times in a row. It then proceeds to repeat the directions (also) 8000 times. Then Dora and Boots are on their way! Along the way, they may need to cross a river or help some random animal through a maze of trees. This usually leads to Dora teaching the kids at home a new word in Spanish. Whenever Dora completes her tasks, a small mariachi band consisting of (I swear) a frog, snail, and grasshopper play a fanfare. Occasionally, they might run into a masked fox named Swiper who has nothing better to do than steal small $2 trinkets from a 5 year old Mexican girl on her way to an apple tree at the end of a forkless road. Luckily, Dora and Boots can fend Swiper off by (loudly) shouting "Swiper no swiping" 3 times in a row. Any less than 3 (and I mean if you only get to say the sentence 2 1/2 times), and Swiper steals something from them, and tosses it into a conveniently local pile of objects similar to it. Dora then takes 2 minutes out of her wasted time to find the object and put it back in her singing backpack who is in dire need of Paul McCartney or Floetry's lyric writing. Would I recommend it? Speaking as a grown man, this is actually my favorite educational cartoon on TV today. Nearly everything else on Nick Jr. these days is crap. Next Time: Histeria! This show got me through my 8th grade history class. I'm serious. Much Love

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Thursday, November 25, 2004

Super Hyper Thanksgiving Special GO!

Read *This* Written October 17th. When I read that article back in October, I thought the guy was a little wacked. I don't support Bush, but it felt like he was using spin to demonize the guy. I still feel that way, but it's also clear that part of what they said was right. Bush won, and the Republican party looks like it's dividing. I mean, the whole damn cabinet just walked out on him. Okay, not the whole cabinet. Condy is still with him, but keep in mind she thinks GW is her husband. In other news, it's Thanksgiving here in the United States. This is that special time of the year when we look back on American history, and ignore the bloody, almost horror movie-like details of one cold night in New England. The Pilgrims/Puritans were cold and hungry, so the local Native Americans came and brought them food out of the kindness of their hearts. I forget what happens next, but I'm assured no one got hurt. Seriously, this is just a day when I can stuff my face and pretend I'll have the weight off by Christmas. So I'm staying at my dad's house all weekend, which means I'm currently taking advantage of his DSL. If I had the $80 to buy City of Heroes and a 60-day time card, I'd totally install it while I'm here. My dad only lives an hour away from me (in fair traffic. Up to 3 hours during commuter times), so I'd be able to come here under false pretenses and play the game. But alas, I have only enough money to fill up my gas tank on the way home. So... $50. Seriously, these gas prices are getting on my nerves. They go down 5 cents, they go up 10, down 2, up 3, down 10, up 5. I tried buying $5 worth of gas the other day, and only had enough fuel to drive to the gas station across the street. If you're wondering where my Cartoon Chronicles are... uh... I guess I can write a couple this weekend. Not that you'll care. Will you, you heartless bastards? Much Love

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Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Graphic Fun

Well, I stooped to a new low, today. As you may remember, I quit my job back in July. After my mom, grandma, and step-mom urged me to apply there again (especially after finding out they're paying a whole dollar more now), I broke down and went to go ask for my old job back. If that wasn't bad enough, the new manager told me that they're not allowed to re-hire old employees. So I can't have my old job back. It's back to applying for every job under the sun... again. On a much lighter note, who wants to see some pretty pictures? A couple years back, I got a little experiment-crazy, using Adobe Photo Deluxe in my spare time. I edited one or two graphics for my website, but one pasttime I developed (from watching a lot of early morning PBS) was painting. Here are some of my old projects... I learned how to work with layers with this one. You have no idea how long it took me to figure out how to paste Gohan's face in there, and leave in Pierce Brosnan's gun-holding hand. One of my first attempts at painting scenery. I sorta cheated, using a Wave effect. I made this one from scratch, no effect tools. Looks nothing like how I invisioned it, though. You'd be surprised at the kind of stuff you can come up with if you're using Adobe while watching Bob Ross paint on PBS. Also nothing like how I invisioned it would be, but damnit, it took me too damn long to make this one. Much Love

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Friday, November 12, 2004

Cartoon Chronicles: Educatoon #2

You know, it's been years since I played the original SimCity. So when I bought SimCity 3000 a couple weeks ago, I had completely forgotten every strategy I could use to keep my city out of debt. It was driving me insane. So after the falls of the cities Crap-Apple and San Bajo, I finally found success in Haypenny. And before you criticize the names I chose for my cities, have you looked at your state/province/prefecture/national map lately? I need work! I'm running out of money, and not one place I've applied for has so much as interviewed me. I can understand if my personality and appearance drive people off, but a rejected application is just plain offensive. Is the power truly yours? Find out in today's Cartoon Chronicle. Role that beautiful bean footage! Captain Planet Here's our hero. Our world is in peril. Gaia, the spirit of the Earth, can no longer stand the destruction facing our planet. She sends five magic rings to five special young people: Kwame, from Africa, with the power of Earth; from North America, Wheeler, with the power of fire; from Eastern Europe, Linka, with the power of Wind; from Asia, Gi, with the power of water; and from South America, Mati, with the power of heart. When their powers combine, they summon Earth's greatest champion-- Captain Planet! If my laziness weren't already apparent, I copied that entire paragraph from the opening sequence of the show. That's not to say I don't have a lot to say... As far as complaints go, I always felt Wheeler was somehow more powerful than the others. While he could create fire with his ring, everyone else's rings could only control their elements. Kwame was pretty useless unless he was standing on unpaved ground, free of nearby trees. Gi could control water, so long as it was pure and unbelievably clean. Linka's wind power never went beyond a cool breeze. Then there's Mati and his freaking heart ring. Let me just say that his ring had a new ability everytime he used it, and he rarely used the same skill twice. He might calm down rabid animals with it one day, and then run away from a tiger the next. He could use it to call for help when he was in danger, but don't expect him to do that too often. He convinced animals to do his bidding, but only until they were distracted by food or something shiny. Whenever they combined their powers, a crystal-shinned superhero would appear named Captain Planet, although I'm 90% sure he was neither in the military, sailed the open seas, nor piloted a plane. Frankly, I wouldn't trust someone with a green high-top mullet hair style to pilot any plane I was on, but that's just me. Despite his incredible strength, speed, and control over the elements, he had the silliest weakness since yellow. The guy could taken down by pollution. Now, I can understand the toxic waste killing him, but you could knock him out with litter. The villains were no prize, either. At first, they started out polluting only as a side effect of some profit-making scheme of theirs. Wanna build a mini-mall? Chop down a major rainforest. Then it got to the point where they were just polluting to spite the 5 Planeteers. And they never learned their lessons. One episode, Greedly nearly killed his own son with the exhaust fumes generated by his own cars. The next episode, he was burning down a tree for spits and giggles. Would I recommend it? Yes and no. The show got be very formulaic for the most part, but the "Planeteer Alert" segments at the end taught you an important lesson on how you can help the environment without becoming an overly zealous misfit who works for some environmentalist militia. In terms of good episodes, the show started to get good when they stopped summoning Cap. Planet, and started breaking up gang violence and looking into the characters' pasts. Next Time: Dora the Explorer. Unleash the mariachi forest creatures! Much Love

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Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Cartoon Chronicles: Educatoon #1

It's taking way too long for me to write the second episode of Justice League Unscrewed. I'm like a writer on Saturday Night Live. I can try to be funny all the time, but you're really only gonna get one decent set of jokes out of me 1/10th of the time. Well, the Cartoon Chronicles are now officially back! Behold, the Educatoons: Educational, yet entertaining cartoons. I know what you're thinking, and yes-- they do make entertaining educational television. And I'm talking about the academics! None of that "learning to share and play together" crap, either. I'm talking about those cartoons you used to watch that actually helped get you through elementary/middle/jr. high school. Once again, I'll be going in alphabetical order. Begin! Blue's Clues If you spent your work days standing in front of a green screen and pretending to talk to a dog that wasn't there... you'd probably become an obscure folk singer, too. Meet Steve, a real life man living in an animated world. Steve lives in a small house with his little blue dog, aptly named Blue. Normally, Steve spends his day jumping into paintings on his wall, singing with his talking mailbox, and getting the latest gossip from a couple of talking salt and pepper shakers. Ironically, the dog (the only character who shouldn't be inanimate) was the only one who couldn't talk. So whenever Blue wants to do one of her favorite activities, she wastes a half hour out of Steve's day by leaving clues all over the house that hint toward Blue's true intentions. She left these clues by stepping on everyday objects, and leaving smudgy blue pawprints on them. For example, if Blue wants to discuss current politics (which has yet to happen, mind you), she'll leave paw prints all over the anchors on CNN. Despite some people thinking this show is boring and a little stupid (I'm not contesting the boring part, either), it actually taught kids important lessons in puzzle solving and critical thinking. If the only clues are a wedding ring and a Jennifer Lopez CD, the kids at home will put their minds to work and try to figure out which of J.Lo's fiances/husbands Blue is talking about. Would I recommend it? It's good for getting kids to think, but it's definitely not for teens and adults to watch themselves. The songs take way too long to sing, and anyone over the age of 10 will solve the problem less than half-way through the show. "My, whatever could Blue want to drink that involves a lemon?" Next Time: Captain Planet. A team of young environmentalists ban together to fight the most one-dimensional villains ever created. Much Love

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Tuesday, November 9, 2004

The following preview has been approved by me...

He couldn't leave well enough alone... ..But damn, who could? He talked about those meddling kids. He belittled the greatest cartoon superheros to ever go on television... ...But it wasn't enough! So now they're back. Coming soon to a weblog near you... Kevin "Manic" Webb Presents Educatoons The Cartoon Chronicles continue this week. Much Love

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Sunday, November 7, 2004

Native Americans in Animation (and elsewhere in entertainment)

No, this isn't part of the Cartoon Chronicles. I'm just going to discuss Native Americans and how they're portrayed in cartoons. I was watching Boomerang, an off-shoot of Cartoon Network that airs classic Hanna Barbera cartoons and old Looney Tunes, when a little Native American guy popped up in some scene on some HB toon I've never heard of. I think it was some kind of modern day (and by "modern" I mean "1969") adapation of Around the World in 80 Days. Thankfully, this version didn't include a Hong Kong film star whose role was built up to awkward proportions simply to draw audiences in. But I digress. There was some Native American guy named Chief Droopy Eagle, no relation to Droopy Dog. As you can imagine, the guy wore feathers in his hair and spoke horrible broken English. Can someone please explain to me why voice actors and animation directors in the 1960s thought Native Americans, who grew up on modern day US reservations, spoke horrible English? He lived in a freaking teepee, by the way. Who lives in teepees? Last time I checked, poorer reservations (those without casino revenue) looked like the hood; only with more dry, arid, and unfavorable desert land surrouding it. They have freaking houses. For that matter, most tribes throughout the Americas built houses long before that prick Columbus set sail for India. Anyway, Chief D. Eagle had a daughter (with even worse English skills) named Many Giggles. Where the hell do they get these names? The Assistant Manager at my old job was Native American, and his name was freaking Brent. Read an X-Men comic every now and then. I'm serious. Pick one up. There are like 80 Cheyenne and Apache characters in the X-Men, all of whom speak perfect English: Forge, Thunderbird I (John Proudstar), Thunderbird II (Neal Shara), Warpath (James Proudstar), Mirage (Danielle Moonstar). I borrowed my friend's X-Men encyclopedia, and found more well-portrayed (albiet uncreatively named) NAs than Asians, blacks, and Latinos. As a black man, I find it interesting the only black X-Men are Storm and Bishop. To all my Asian homies: Karma and fucking Jubilee. Don't even ask me to name any Latinos. I think there's one in there... somewhere. Be real. How many eskimos do you honestly think live in ice-made huts (igloos) in Alaska today? All of them? Ha! Ha, I say! So remember: Next time you write a Native American character in any of your works (fan fiction, original stories, and any of you TV writers out there), don't make them act like a 19th century native who grew up on the western plains. They're not some kind of outcasts in today's society. It's just that, for some reason possibly involving manifest destiny, there are very few of them left, and you probably don't see them everyday. You can find plenty of tribes who adhere to their traditions and hold onto their culture, but it doesn't mean you won't find them sporting shoes advertised by some NBA baller who stole all of Kobe and Jordan's old endorsement deals. I'd rather those faux kung-fu film commercials weren't made in the first place, but that's a whole different rant. Much Love

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Thursday, November 4, 2004

Insert Subject Here

Well, I finally changed the embedded song. If you were getting tired of Jamie Cullum, then you'll now have to deal with... Dwele. Who the hell is Dwele, you ask? For answers, turn to Google. All I know is I like his CD. Bush is in office for 4 more years. I know. I'm scared, too. What is up with Korn's cover of Cameo's "Word Up"? I'm not so much surprised that it's Korn doing the cover, but that ANYone would EVER cover a song by freaking Cameo. I can understand sampling and interpolating the music and lyrics to "Candy" (it's been done... several times), but come on. Now that the election's over, I can finally return to my guilty late-night pleasure... Late Night with Conan O'Brien! It's official. I switched to FireFox. No more Internet Explorer for me! Although, granted, I've actually been using Opera for the past 2 years. Still, FireFox is better than Opera. I just miss being able to place my address bar on the bottom of the window. Much Love

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Tuesday, November 2, 2004

Manic's Election Day Spectacular!

Well, time for me to vote in my first election. I was only 16 during the last Presidential election, so this will actually be my first chance cast a vote for who the man in the white house will be. I am 20 years old, however, so I guess that really doesn't excuse me from not voting in the past state and congress elections-- including that damn recall that gave us the Governator. I spent an entire evening (and night) researching those damn state propositions and local measures I've been hearing so much about. I even took notes. It's a good thing this is an open-book ballot. They do let you take notebooks into the voting booths, right? Uh... yeah. This is where I'd normally bore you with a biased, poorly written review of an old cartoon. Thing is, I still haven't picked a new topic for the Cartoon Chronicles. I'm leaning toward educational children's television, so look out for that next week. This week, you're getting off with short, ranting entries from me. Watch the Daily Show with Jon Stewart on Comedy Central. Visit D.Moon Free Tibet Soylent Green is people To Serve Man is a cookbook. Much Love

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