Friday, June 11, 2004

Cartoon Chronicles: Teen-Sleuth Toons #1

When your job consists of standing in an open space for an extended period of time with very little interaction with others aside from asking them to fill out a questionaire... you start to think things. Weird things. You realize stuff you never figured out before. You compose full thoughts on subjects you don't often think about... And on that note, I'd like to introduce The Cartoon Chronicles. What exactly are the Cartoon Chronicles? Well, the CC are a series of short essays I'll be writing for this dandy little online journal, basically reminding you all of some cartoons you used to watch or probably never even saw. The first topic I'll be covering dates all the way back to the 1960s and 70s; Hanna Barbara's cartoons about mystery-solving teens. Now, when you think of a cartoon about teenagers solving mysteries, Scooby Doo might be the first thing that pops to mind. While Scoob's gang are arguably the most popular, they weren't the only meddling kids with a lot of free time on their hands. For the next couple of days, in alphabetical order, I'd like to discuss some of Hanna Barbara's other popular shows with a similar theme. Let's start with... The Amazing Chan and the Chan Clan Charlie Chan is a world famous detective, but his 10 junior-sleuth kids want in on the action. Henry, Stanley, Suzie, Alan, Anne, Tom, Flip, Nancy, Mimi, and Scooter Chan (somebody's father liked to get down) idolized their father, and wanted to be famous detectives just like him. So naturally, they interfere with their pop's cases whenever possible. Aided by their stealthy, transforming van and a dog named Chu Chu, the 10 kids of the Chan Clan often found a clue overlooked by their pop, and took that as a reason to solve the mystery themselves. They weren't bad, mind you. In fact, they were usually close to solving it all by themselves, but their dad naturally did his job and concluded the mystery himself. Nearly a dozen Chinese characters animated into a Hanna Barbara cartoon before the more politically correct times of the 1990s... full of radical and insultful stereotypes, right? Well, not so much. The Chan Clan got away cleaner than Apache Chief (but that's for another entry). There weren't any horribly fake accents or pretending not to speak English every other word (something that gets on my nerves in cartoons featuring non-white characters). Charlie Chan is from Honolulu (check out the Charlie Chan book series), so he and his kids actually had American accents. On top of that, they casted actual Asian-American voice actors to play the whole family... at first, anyway. Cast members had to be replaced, Jodie Foster came into the mix at some point, ect. Despite this show having the benefit of being the only "Teen-Sleuth Toon" without a Fred or Shaggy lookalike, it fell into a pattern that mimicked all of the shows that came before it. Perhaps the downfall of the Chan Clan is that it made its debut at least 2 years after Scooby and his gang did. In fact, out of the Teen-Sleuth Toons I'll be going over, Chan Clan is one of the latest. The mystery thing had been done before, 10 kids was far too many characters to keep track of, and the episodes got a little formulaic. It lasted a good 2 seasons, but never got around to being as popular as it should've been. So hey! If you've got Cartoon Network's Boomerang, I'd suggest catching it. Next time: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kids (Never heard of it? There's a damn-good reason why...) Much Love

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Saturday, June 5, 2004

Things I Just Don't Get

Here is a list of things I do not, have never, and probably will never understand... The Teletubbies GW Bush's foreign policy The difference between a police action, an occupation, and a war Why fools fall in love Why good people either die young or go completely insane Michael Jackson The FOX Network How "Sweet Dreams" and "Would I Lie To You" could possibly be performed by the same band. Spinners, those damn rims that keep on spinning when the wheel stops. People who ride spinners. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger Marisa Tomei's Oscar for My Cousin Vinny Al Sharpton running for President The Green Party MTV's Jackass MTV's Newlyweds: Nick & Jessica MTV Women The black people who ruin it for the rest of us Black women Why the BBC America plays 50 home-&-garden/make-over shows back to back everyday. Hockey Keanu Reeves' acting career Will Smith turned down the role of Neo in The Matrix, but Jada jumped at the role of Niobe L337 sp36k People who bother reading my online journal Much Love

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Monday, May 31, 2004

Caution: You May Go Blind

My, but work is slow these days. As you may know, I'm one of those survey-people who annoy you in the mall by asking you to watch a movie trailer or take home a test product or some crap like that. Anyway, the corporate office hasn't been sending our branch that much work lately, so my manager has been reducing my work hours. Just last week, I was supposed to have Monday off and go to work on Tuesday. Monday night, they called me and told me to come in on Thursday because they didn't have anything to do until then. But wouldn't you know it? Wednesday night, they call me and tell me not to come in for work until Saturday. Well, I finally went to work on Saturday. Slow day. I only had to survey 12 people, as opposed to the usual 40-something. At the end of the day, my manager told me not to come in for work until Wednesday. So either work is really REALLY slow at the office these days, or my manager is slowly shifting me out of commission before he fires me. I'm not waiting to find out which. I'm on the search for a new job. If you know anybody who's hiring, fill me in. Well, I talked to Ashu on Friday about the lot of us going to the movie on Saturday. Wouldn't you know, that's the only day I had to work in a whole freaking week! So they went to the movies without me. I still managed to catch up to them after the movie, though. On a completely unrelated note, I'm being pressured into joining an online game by several hostile gamers who shall remain nameless vincentryanjasonandrew. And no online journal entry would be complete without me losing what little respect I have by posting one of my horrible drawings. Avert your eyes, children. Much Love

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Saturday, May 22, 2004

School's Out, Biatches!

So now I'll be working even more over the summer than I did during the spring semester. Oh joy. Well, at least I'm making money. It doesn't matter if I'm practically the only employee left at our branch. I'll just have to take on more than twice the work than usual. Oh jeeze. Well, at least I requested Mondays off. I can't miss my weekly dose of Stargate SG-1 reruns. Yes, I am a geek. My sympathies go out to Venette, who's mother passed just this past weekend. Be strong. I'm not directing this toward anyone in particular (yes I am), but I really don't like hearing the intricate details of anyone's lovelife day-in and day-out. You can tell me you have a crush, but you don't have to tell me everyday. You can tell me you're going through a messy breakup, but I really don't need to know every word you said to one another and how you're going to retaliate. I believe one's private affairs should remain (dig this) private, to an extent. I've fallen for at least 3 specific girls in the past few months, but it's not like I bother telling everybody who they are, how I know them, whenever I pass by them, whenever I don't pass by them, and why they don't work out. There are just some things I know some people don't want to hear. But I'm not directing this toward anyone. Well, the TV series Angel saw its series finale. I had a strong feeling the ending would be open-ended, with little closure. I'm perfectly fine with that, mind you. Angel has never been a series full of happy endings... or any kind of happiness, for that matter. The characters were so depressed on that show. It's sad that I don't know many people who watched that show, because it was so good. Well, this series about a vampire who hunts other vampires has been cancelled to make room for a new show on the WB... about a vampire who hunts other vampies. Kinda stupid, isn't it? To tell the truth, it'd be like if they had cancelled Charmed the day they acquired Sabrina. Being the geek that I'm is (I wrote that on purpose), I picked up a new graphic novel at Borders the other day. It's called The Runaways, by Marvel. It's about a group of teenagers who lived their lives thinking their parents were boring, rich suburbanites who met every year to pool their money together to donate to some random charity. But one day, the kids sneak in on one of these "charity meetings" and discover their parents are part of a secret cult known as The Pride. After witnessing a murder at the hands of their own parents, the teens run away from home and embark on a journey to discover the true pasts of their families. I really like it. It gets a bit campy at times (as all comics do), but it takes a whole new look at superheroes and villains that you normally don't see in Marvel comics. I'm thinking about getting back to my parody writing. For those of you unfamiliar, I used to write parodies of popular movies and TV shows by placing popular anime characters in the main roles. I've scripted such parodies as The Saiytrix (DBZ meets The Matrix); Moon Wars episodes 1, 2, 4, 5, 6 (Sailormoon meets Star Wars); and a few others. I've been planning on making a Kill Bill parody, too. Will I write it? Only time will tell. Much Love

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Sunday, May 9, 2004

My Manwich!

It's a Futurama quote, people. A wise man once said: "Never get between a black man and his food." My co-worker made that mistake. Lunch time came around, and Venette asked me to drive her to Bank of America real quick so she could deposit her paycheck. I needed to deposit my paycheck too, so I grabbed me keys and we went to the bank. Now, my lunch break is 30 minutes long. Anyone who knows where I work knows that the nearest BofA is roughly 10 minutes away. So I broke the speed limit. We got there in 5. I ran in, deposited my check, and got a balance inquiry in less than 2 minutes. Venette suddenly realized she doesn't remember her account number. So she spent a good 15 minutes arguing with a teller about how she has bills to pay and why she didn't just go to a check-cashing store in the first place. I waited in the car and was half-tempted to leave her there. Anyone else doing the math? That's 22 minutes out of my lunch break. So I drive us back to the mall just in time to be one full minute late to work. I don't eat breakfast in the morning. I still had 3 hours before I could go home to eat dinner. She made me miss my lunch break because she insisted on going to a bank she knew she couldn't cash her check at. I must apologize for that last sentence ending in a preposition. I swear, it's never happened before. Uh, I mean... I swear, it's something that before now has never happened. Damn English language... Much Love.

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Saturday, May 1, 2004

You Know You're A Non-Filipino Who Hangs Around Too Many Filipinos When...

You can point out the Philippines on a map You start using the letter "P" in place of "F" in your everyday speech You ask a fob which Filipino language they speak You use words like "fob" to describe immigrants You start using words like "pinoy" and "pinay" instead of "filipino" and "filipina" You know about more Filipino-American celebrities than your friends do (Lexa Doig from Andromeda, R&B singer Amerie, Vanessa Minnillo from TRL, Apl.de.ap of Black Eyed Peas) You can sing along to the Tagalog lyrics of "The Apl Song" by Black Eyed Peas Names like "Gonzales" and "San Juan" sound more Asian than Latin You shout "puta ina mo" when someone cuts you off on the freeway You know what lumpia is You know how to make lumpia Your lumpia is better than that pre-packaged stuff in the grocery store You know that non-Filipino tourists only go to Manila for the prostitutes You hear the word "nigga" everyday... but nobody there is black. People start to think you're part Filipino You actually thought up a list of reasons why you hang around too many Filipinos You have a karaoke machine [This list composed by me. Yes, I do have too much free time] Much Love.

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Wednesday, April 28, 2004

People You Do NOT Pick a Fight with in a Martial Arts Movie

- Old men, especially ones with really long, white beards. The bigger the beard, the bigger the bad ass. If he has an entourage of people just to carry it, run away. This man will hurt you. - The drunk guy. - The man that walks with one hand behind his back. - Cute women. There is a direct correlation between cuteness and martial arts prowess; if it's someone you'd hit on, she'll probably hit you back. Hard. - Young children, especially ones with funny hairstyles and robes. - The guy that rarely speaks. If he also happens to keep his hand behind his back, do not incur his wrath. It will not be pretty. - White guys with English accents, depending on the setting. If it happens to be a period piece and take place before this century, then he is a legit threat. If it's fairly modern, however, then he's probably just a major thug. - Well-dressed henchmen. They do not like to get their suits dirty, and will whup you good and quick to keep it from happening. - Anyone playing with a pair of beads. If said individual is the quiet sort that keeps his hand behind his back as well, give him a wide berth. Halfway across the city is acceptable. - The guy that lives alone in the mountains. His kung fu is quite strong. - Your teacher's daughter. More than likely she's cute as well, which makes her that much more deadly. - The Blind Old Man - Can't see a damn thang but knows how to counter and block every single hit & still kick yo' ass. - The Dude with one limb missing - He can and will whup yo' ass one handed..... or one legged. - The dude or the cute girl with the extremely long ponytail - You will literally get whipped by the hair, especially if they have a metal band wrapped around it. - The street orphan taken in by monks. While he has yet to have formal training, he has watched the classes and now knows enuff to kick your ass. - The man that keeps one hand in his pocket. Very similar to the man who keeps one hand behind his back. - The scruffy looking guy. This is the bad ass of underworld martial arts. The scruffier the look, the bigger the bad ass. [This list was collected from Club Ninja.] Much Love

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Monday, April 26, 2004

More Quotes From Work!

Even more assorted quotes said by me and my co-workers. But first, the cast! Me: Kevin, the manic one. Venette: A co-worker of mine. Monica: Another co-worker of mine. Scott: The manager. Brentski: Assistant manager. And let the craziness begin... Me: It says here King Arthur is directed by Antoine Fuqua. Scott: How do you spell that, anyway? Me: F...U... Scott: See, now it already sounds inappropriate. Me: Wow! This is some good-ass sushi! Venette: Did you think I would lie to you? Me: No, but taste is relative. What tastes good to you might not taste good to me. For example, I would never suck a dick. (Venette stares at me) Venette: Me and Kailesha went to the movies. Did you know she's bi? Me: Oh really? Venette: Yeah, but she was hitting on-- get this-- a bunch of girls at the same time. Me: Oh... she's like that. Venette: Yep. She's a playa. Me: Damn. Me: In retrospect, I can see why she offered to do your hair for free. Venette: You don't think...? Me: Braiding your hair for free? Giving you her phone number? That was awfully friendly of her... Monica: My breasts aren't that big. Venette: Please! Your boobs are bigger than mine. What size are those? Monica: Uh... A? (Me, Venette, and Monica laugh) Venette: (poking me) Buy me a soda. Buy me a soda. Buy me a soda. Me: Alright! Fine! Just stop poking me! Venette: That's why I like being a girl. If I were a guy, I'd still be poking you. Me: If you were a guy, I'd have knocked you out by now. Brentski: Good morning, Kevin. Scott: Good morning, Mr. Webb. Me: (mumbling) Yeah, good morning... (pauses) That didn't sound like I meant it, did it? Scott: No. Brentski: No. Monica: Hey, girl! A Friend: (looks at Monica's hair) Aww, my girl got her highlights! Monica: I gotta work right now. I'll talk to you in a minute. (her friend walks away) She's so fake. That bitch. Me: (ordering lunch) I'll have a bag of pretzel bits, a large Sierra Mist, and a Frequent Buyer's Card. Venette: Planning to come back a lot? Me: Yes, as a matter of fact. Old Woman Behind Counter: Oh, he knows! Venette: You're addicted to pretzels. Me: Damn right, I'm addicted to pretzels! I got a Frequent Buyer's Card. Venette: I got food poisoning last night, so I can't drink any coffee. Scott: Kevin, try not to drink your coffee in her face. Me: That would be mean. (sips coffee) Mmmm, mm! Oh yeah, that's good! Me: You know those t-shirts that say "No Fat Chicks"? I got my own idea... a t-shirt that says "No Skinny Bitches." It'll be big! Big women will buy them, men with big women will buy them, men who want a big girl will buy them... Guy From Picture Place: Where's your friend? Me: Monica? Oh she went to lunch... with her engagement ring. Venette: Is lunch over yet? Me: (checks cellphone) Lunch ended 5 minutes ago. Venette: Damn. We gotta go in. Me: Screw that! I'm eating. Me: This is some of the nastiest food I've ever eaten. But it costs over $5, so I'm gonna finish it, anyway. Venette: See! Just like a black man! Cheap. Me: Could you please stop talking about oral sex while I'm drinking my smoothie? Then again, it costed too much for me to throw away... Venette: Just like a black man... Much Love

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Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Oh...MY GOD!

So I come home afterschool on Monday afternoon, and the moment I open the front door, my brother immediately closes the door to his bedroom. After a few minutes, he walks out of his bedroom wearing a pair of boxers and asks why I'm not at work. I don't work Mondays. On top of this, there's a mysterious car parked in our driveway. I put 2 and 2 together, and realized my brother was banging some girl while he thought everyone was at work. I had almost walked in on him. Say it with me, now... "UGH!!" So I got the hell out of Dodge and decided to drive around the tri-city area for a couple of hours. Now that I have that "strange but true" tale out of my system... Okay, time for me to wash my gym clothes. I actually broke a sweat one day, and now they're starting to smell "less than fresh." A few people told me it looks like I'm losing weight, but I don't see the difference. At all. However, I am feeling a lot of pain. And to quote the movie The Long Kiss Goodnight... "Life is pain." Damn painful life. I got a crush on someone, but, I swear... It's like ooooohhh... She don't know my name Round and round we go Will she ever know? Much Love

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Tuesday, April 6, 2004

Spring Break

Switched to a new song: "Anxiety" by Black Eyed Peas and Papa Roach. You might recognize this song from TV, as they seem to have licensed it to promos of the new season of The Shield. My brother has been eerily buddy-like since he got back. It's almost like he wants to spend time with me... which I'm really not used to. See, he's 5 years & 11 months (6 years) older than me. By the time I was in elementary school, he was in middle school. When I got to middle school, he was in high school/continuation school. Just before he got sent to prison, I was 15 and he was 21. He wouldn't have anything to do with a teenager. Now we're both pretty much in our 20s (ok, so I'm only 19. My point still stands). I find myself coming home from work, and my older brother wanting to go hang out. It's creepy. And with that said, my step-brother has gone missing. He took my neice, found a place in San Jose, got his cell phone cut off, and nobody has heard from him in weeks. Heaven forbid I should get along with both of my brothers... That sounded a tad self-centered, didn't it? Allow me to rephrase: Heaven forbid he should call his mother. Ok, now that just sounded very Jewish. I give up. Next topic. I'm on spring break (a little late, isn't it?). On top of that, business is slow at my job, and I might not have to come in for work all week! As much as I want the money, I need this break. It'll give me time for some good ol' fashioned escapism by driving all day without a destination. May God have mercey on escalating gasoline prices. Because I'm such an animation nut, I just have to give this little bit of Simpsons news. It turns out none of the actors for the show have shown up to record new episodes for the upcoming 16th season. Why aren't they coming to work? They want more money! Dan Castellaneta (Homer), Hank Azaria (Moe, Apu, and others), Harry Shearer (Mr. Burns and others), Yeardley Smith (Lisa), Julie Kavner (Marge) and Nancy Cartwright (Bart) are currently earning $125,000 per episode EACH. That's a lot of money, considering they make roughly 22 episodes per year. Their contracts just ended, and they're all demanding upwards of $360,000 per episode. That's roughly $8million a year. While this may sound very steep, keep in mind that these people are the stars of FOX's longest-running and most successful TV show. The Simpsons have been around for just as long as the FOX network itself (although they originally started off of cartoon shorts during The Tracy Ulman Show, they were still here from day one). This cast is not going out like Seinfeld. Much Love.

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