Friday, December 17, 2004

Not as good as the original, but...

Shinmaru is gonna kill me for this, but... To answer your questions... No, nothing is sacred. Yes, I am evil. The first article can be read here. Hairy Toes Give Away Alleged Peeper Yay! I've always wanted an alleged peeper! JAMESTOWN, N.C. -- Hairy toes gave away an alleged peeping in the women's locker room at the Mary Perry Ragsdale YMCA. "Don't look now..." the toes said. A Greensboro man hiding in the women's locker room was caught peeping after a woman in a neighboring shower stall spotted his hairy feet, authorities said. God! Anyone with common sense knows that you shave and wax before planning this kind of stunt! That includes toes. David Herbert Witham, 43, was charged with six counts of "secretly peeping in the room of females." Wait... he was caught 6 times? Didn't he learn anything the 5th time? Authorities said a man hid in a shower stall and used a small mirror to catch glimpses of showering and disrobing women. He failed to conceal his bare feet. *writes this down* ...mirror...wear shower shoes and/or invest in foot moisturizer... "One of the victims saw his feet, and they were hairy," said Sgt. J.D. Church of the Guilford County Sheriff's Department. "We're talking, like, Sasquatch-hairy! This guy was ape-shit outta Planet of the Apes!" Police said several women were in the locker room at the time of the incident. One of the women notified YMCA management, who called authorities. The rest of the women? Massive orgy. The second article can be read here. Fourth-grader suspended over suspected 'Jell-O shots' O_o An 8-year-old girl was suspended for nine days for bringing to school what appeared to be about 30 "Jell-O shots" -- though it was unclear whether they contained alcohol. Note: They suspended her before figuring out if the shots even had alcohol. The incident occurred Nov. 29, as the girl stood after classes outside Geraldine Boudreaux Elementary School in Terrytown, a New Orleans suburb. A teacher spotted liquid dripping out of the student's bookbag and found what looked like the small cups of alcohol-laced gelatin that are sold in bars, schools spokesman Jeff Nowakowski said. See, if she had just given a free shot to the lunch lady, she could've kept them in the fridge for her, and shifted all blame in the event she got caught. The girl told the principal that her mother, who works in a bar, makes alcoholic shots at home and sells them at work. The fourth-grader said her mother had instructed her to take the shots to school and sell them, three for $1, to make some money for Christmas, Nowakowski said. See? They were prepared by a professional, and it's for a good cause. The gelatin was turned over to the sheriff's department for testing to see if it contained alcohol. The sheriff couldn't be contacted for comment, due to his massive hang-over. The girl was suspended for violating school rules against possessing or trying to distribute a "lookalike," or something that appears to contain drugs or alcohol. But... she brought Jell-O. Under the lookalike rule, the girl's suspension will stand no matter what the sheriff's department finds. "We at the sheriff's department found no alcohol in the Jell-O. In fact, these aren't shot glasses at all. They're prepackaged Jell-O cups." "Well too-fucking-bad." "The school system's position is, it doesn't matter if it had alcohol in it or not," Nowakowski said. Of course it doesn't matter. Ending the suspension would mean a federal employee would admit to being wrong. The names of the girl and her mother were not released. Why not? It'd be good for business. The mother must also allow school officials to test her daughter's hair for signs of drug use, Nowakowski said. Wait-- what? *reads article again* When did her hair and drugs get involved? Much Love

Comments (7)