Saturday, January 17, 2004

On The Job Quotes

Because I know you've had enough you can never get enough of me talking about my job, here's a list of some of today's best quotes from myself and some of my co-workers. See, whenever we're not working (which would be anytime our supervisors aren't around), we like to entertain ourselves with witty conversation. May not be appropriate for children under 17. Vonda: Here's today's quota sheets. Two of you will have to pick the all-African-American quotas. Venette: Uh uh! No! I am not talking to any black people! Me: I'm sensing some racial self-hatred. Me: (to Shayna) Okay, so here's the plan: I get all of the black girls, and you survey all of the black men. Because black girls don't like white girls, but black men... Shayna: Hey! Some of my best friends are black girls! Are you trying to say they don't like me? Venette: Black people from California are bad. If they're from the South, they're alright. They're nice. Me: That's why they call it Southern Hospitality. Venette: Exactly. Me: But in California, it's more like "Screw You." Shayna: Come to think of it, none of my friends are from California. Ruben: My paycheck was 80 dollars! I was getting better hours at McDonalds. Venette: How were you getting better hours than me, back then? Max: He was probably spanking that ass. Vonda: O_O Venette: Ruben, did you lose weight? Max: It's that girlfriend of his. She's been wearing him out. Ruben: No, she's more like "go in there and make me breakfast, bitch!" And I'm like "Okay, okay. Shit." Everyone: O_o Max: Take the walkie-talkie, or I'll kick you in the nuts! Me: Okay, fine. You're just lucky I don't like having my testicles crushed. Max: There's a guy over there checking us out (points to himself, Venette, and Shayna). Not you, Kevin. He's out of your league. Me: Hey! Max: Well, he's not your type. Me: You should've said that the first time. I mean, if I were gay, I'd at least like to think he's not out of my league. Venette: Are you trying to tell us something, Kevin? (After walking into the office's kitchen) Venette: Okay, close the door. Ruben: (closes the door) Alright! Let's strip! (pretends to strip) Me: Could you please not do that directly behind me? Venette: Are you trying to tell us something, Ruben? Venette: Max, you're loud! And I thought I was loud. Ruben: I thought I was loud. Me: I thought you three were loud. Shayna: I'm used to being the quiet one. Stop being so quiet, Kevin. Me: Oh yeah? Well... (I stop talking) Max: After this, I got work at McDonalds. So I'm gonna be on my feet another six hours. Shayna: Better than being on your back for six hours. Max: Hey, I can go all night long. And I'd be on my stomach. Actually, I prefer to be on my knees. (starts to draw it on his clip board) Me: O_o Shayna: O_o Me: Avert your eyes! Max: You can kick me in the balls, but I was a dancer and a cheerleader. I have no pain down there, anymore. Shayna: (to Max) I figured out what kind of bird you are. You're a macaw. Max: A macaw? Shayna: It's a talking bird, like a parrot. And very colorful. Max: Excuse me! Shayna: It's a compliment! Venette: Kevin is a penguin. Me: Penguin you! Venette: Hell no! Venette: I said penguin because penguins are birds that, once they find a mate, stay with that mate for the rest of their life. I would never penguin with you. Ruben: I'd penguin with you, Kevin, but I don't have a vagina. Me: Story of my life. Me: Max, you garden variety ho. Max: Hey! I am a high-class ho! Ruben: Would that be like a hydro-dynamic ho? Venette: Ruben, would you be my life mate? Ruben: Fuck no! Venette: Fine! That was just a pity-offer, anyway. Ruben: I'm going to San Francisco for a concert. It's gonna be all drinking, and smoking, and getting high. Me: So... just like everyday, only you'll be at a concert. Ruben: Hey! I don't drink everyday. Ruben: I am a professional stoner. It's what I'm good at. Me: Up yours. Max: Just say when. Me: That's right. That's not really an insult for you. Ruben: See you later, mother f-ers. Max: More like father. Me: I keep forgetting insults are different with you. Me: Eww, ghetto people. Venette: I love coming to work. It's more entertaining than watching TV. Much Love

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