Wednesday, October 12, 2005

   What was on my mind yesterday...
*sigh* Alright, since you have all been very supportive of me and my life and make me feel better when I am depressed, I have decided to post a little more of my gut spilling if you will. I have been under a lot of stress lately and it’s been driving me up the wall. I actually wrote the following yesterday and was going to post it but I started feeling a little better and forgot. ^^ So anyways, I might as well do it know or I will never do it.

Yesterday morning was pretty hard on me. My mom yelled at me quiet bad and this is what I wrote, (more or less. I edited out some parts.) to make me feel a little better and get it all out.


I don’t know what to do anymore. Things just keep getting worse. I mess up everything and I can’t do anything right. My mom yells at me for thinking that everyone in the world is to blame, but that’s not true. Everything that happens to me in my life is my fault and she told me so. All the useless added stress was added by me. I hate my life. I just seem to make everything worse. Sometimes I think everyone would be better off without me and I wonder why I’m still here. I just want it all to stop; all the pain and all the hurt, but it doesn’t seem too. Sometimes, I don’t want to live anymore, but of course, I don’t have the guts to do anything about that so maybe it’s a good thing. Everything would be much better if I had someone in my life to talk to, to have a shoulder to cry on but I just seem to break everyone I try to touch and get close to. They all seem to coil away. Is something wrong with me? I wish I knew so then I could fix it and make it all better so someone could stay with me.

I can’t really tell my mother how I feel because she says it’s bad. I can’t help it. It’s how I feel and her telling me it’s bad just makes me feel worse. That’s why I don’t tell her a lot of things anymore. I also have nightmares were I tell her something that is the truth and she says that I’m lying even thought it is the strait truth. If I keep telling her the truth then I will get in more trouble for lying and if I say she is right, I will get grounded for lying still.

What am I suppose to do? She never listens to me when there is a fight with my other sisters and I try to break it up. She just grounds me when tells me she doesn’t have time to listen. Sometimes I wonder why I talk at all when no one wants to listen.

Oh and on top of that, I'm not doing too good in Japanese with my letters...>.<

Ok, that’s that. That’s what was on my mind yesterday for the most part.

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Friday, September 30, 2005

   .....
Sorry for not posting latly. I've been a bit out of it lately and working on a new web page. I really don't know what's up with me. Oh well. I don't think I will get to anyones sites today and try to get my mind together. *sigh* Later. Keep in touch.
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Thursday, September 22, 2005

   Gaming
Not much going on here today. I had a quiz for japanese, studied my driving book and then played Dungeon Siege. It is the coolest game ever and it's only 10$ bucks. I also checked out the offical site and downloaded some of the fan packages with pictures and mp3s and stuff for fans. I also found out that they have other DS games out. I saw DSII at the store but it was rated M but luckly, the third game is rated T so I will most likly get it. I will post some screen shots later on because I got some pretty good ones. Oh, and also, one of the mages in the game is named Merick which is pretty cool.
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Wednesday, September 21, 2005

   *sigh* .....
*sigh* I've been a bit depressed since friday (hence the reason for the new theme; trying to drowned my sorrows in Hakkai's sexyness). Todd-kun didn't come and I've been a bit upset about it. He has always been my hope that someone in the world would really care about me and would want to be close to me. I feel kind of broken and torn about inside that he didn't come to see me on Friday. It makes me wonder if dreams and wishes really come true. *sigh* I guess all I can do at this point is continue moving on and have at least a little hope for me to find someone I can be close to in the world.


In other news, I did get my scores back from Japanese class. I got an A- for the quarter. That does make me feel a little better.


Also, try right clicking if you will.
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Monday, September 12, 2005

Does happy dance.
Yay! I got a big anime website to add there site to my YourOtaku topstie list! *does happy dance* Happy Happy Happy!


Also, plans have been made to go to my old city so I will be able to see some of my old friends. I’m excited while at the same time, a little nervous. If you have read one of my older posts not too long ago called “Heart Felt Letter to a Friend” I mentioned that I opened up to a friend of mine in a letter I wrote to her. I also asked her to tell the guy that I really really like (and I mean really) that I cared about him because I wanted him to know. She said that she had no problem with me talking to her about my feelings and she would be happy to do what I requested. It just so happens that she is going to see this guy I like and tell him the day that I pull into town. I also invited him to the get-together I have planed. I can’t help but to think over and over again what he is going to say to me. I hope it is something good like he cares about me too, and I hope that he does show. I think he will.

It’s funny. I have never really cared about anyone outside my family more then I care about his guy. Guys usually ignore me and look right through me and because I’m so shy and nervous around people, I have a hard time talking to people and introducing myself. I just started to say good morning to people walking by me. Anyways, I met him at a friend’s birthday party. His name his Todd btw. So, I knew who Todd was, but I didn’t recognize him. He looked completely different then from what I remember him looking like. I actually looks like a young Aragorn from Lord of the Rings. I thought he was cute, but I really didn’t say much to him besides “Please bring the ladder over here so I can get out of the pool.” Yeah, that was it. Simple and easy.

Later that day, I was outside with my dad, my friend’s dad and Todd. We where all getting burgers. Both Todd and I where waiting for “Real Burgers” and not that veggie burger stuff and when I was asked by my friend’s dad if I wanted a Veggie burger I said I wanted real meet. Hence, my first real, solid conversation with a good looking guy started. Todd start talking about Steaks with me (lol) and all about the good steak places in town to eat. Then over lunch he told me all of his scars he got from BMX racing. It’s funny, I love to hear guys talk about their scars. I really do!

While I was talking to him, I could tell that I started liking him because when he was talking about cutting his long hair I thought to myself [i]Don’t cut that beautiful hair[/i]. I thought it was rather a strange feeling I was having because I never really liked liked a guy before. I was then in denial of liking him (even when I dreamed about him >.<) for like three months until my friend told me I should just for it so I did. Then he started talking to me more and it seemed like he like me too. Until I had to tell him…

…I was moving. I haven’t really thought about it until recently, but I think I heard Todd’s voice fall when I told him I was leaving. Now that I think of it, it kinda makes me feel because it means he didn’t want me to leave. I hope I get to see him this Friday.


*huff**huff* What a mouth full. Thanks for listening. I will try to get to some sites later today. ^^ Thanks again.

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Saturday, September 10, 2005

hello people
Hello People! Yes, I’m posting, making a quick one though. I never really post anything on weekends but I figured I would today. Well, I got a little more sleep then I usually do. I didn’t sleep in today though since I had to get up early to take a shower. I’m going to take Roiben’s advice to today and get some more sleep.

I will post more on Monday. Later.

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Wednesday, September 7, 2005

*yawn*
Sorry for not getting to anyones sites. Things have been so hecktic the past few days. I have to study for another quiz tomorrow and remember all of my japanese letters for a test next week and I only remember my vowels. *sigh* I really have to study more but I'm so tired. *yawn* I didn't get much sleep last nigh. -_-


*takes fly swater and hits flying Japanese letters* Anyways, I will try to get to everyones sites today if I can.
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Monday, September 5, 2005

   Sesshoumaru’s Ripple
Nothing new going on here. I finished a new Inu-Yasha wallpaper today called Sesshoumaru’s Ripple It is very pretty and I loved how it turned out. I plan to make a theme out of it sometime. I also tried making a bigger version of it because I have one of those wide screen monitors, but I couldn’t get the ripple to fit over on the side just how I like it. It took me about five tries just to get it on the wallpaper that I just submitted. So, in the end, I just tiled it on my desk top. It still looks good though. What can I say? I have had an obsession with Sesshy since I saw that episode of his first meeting with Rin. Aw… it was so cute! I knew Sesshy wasn’t such a bad guy after since he had the sword of life. It looks like he has a new tag-a-long know. I think him and Rin go great together.

Anyways, there is the link to my new wallpaper for you to check out and download. Remember to leave comments and tell me what you think about it!

Sesshoumaru’s Ripple

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Friday, September 2, 2005

New Club and other things...
Hello people. Quite a bit to post today (I think.) Two good rp friends of mine just got a MyO account. *yay!* So stop by

TheMaddHater’s

and

Fallen Angel's

place and say hello.

Also, I am now captain of a new club that has opened up. Because of it’s wide success on

Yugioh Club (damn things keep centering)

we have opened up a division for MyOtaku that I run. It is the Bad Dub Haters Club. Specially designed for everyone that hates bad and crappy dubs. We don’t do anything illegal, just protest and have banners with a bunch of bad dub humor on them (courtesy of yours truly). If you would like to join, please PM me and I will send you the link to our site where you can find the banners and Club news and stuff.

Let’s see what else… Oh yes. I got a sneak peek of the new ShowenJump the other day at the library. Thief Bakura was so absolutely sexy. *swoon and drool* Not to mention we got to see Yami Bakura towards the end (I won’t tell you what happened. If I keep going I just might. XD) He was so sexy too. *drools big puddle on floor*.

Here’s some screen shots of my new Children of the Nile game. I took them all by accident so they aren’t very good. I will get better ones latter. ^_^


^^^Some buildings and a temple of Ra in the courner (or Osiris, I can’t remember)


^^^Noble Mens’ houses.


^^^Farms and all my little people working in them. ^^

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