Wednesday, October 12, 2005

   What was on my mind yesterday...
*sigh* Alright, since you have all been very supportive of me and my life and make me feel better when I am depressed, I have decided to post a little more of my gut spilling if you will. I have been under a lot of stress lately and it’s been driving me up the wall. I actually wrote the following yesterday and was going to post it but I started feeling a little better and forgot. ^^ So anyways, I might as well do it know or I will never do it.

Yesterday morning was pretty hard on me. My mom yelled at me quiet bad and this is what I wrote, (more or less. I edited out some parts.) to make me feel a little better and get it all out.


I don’t know what to do anymore. Things just keep getting worse. I mess up everything and I can’t do anything right. My mom yells at me for thinking that everyone in the world is to blame, but that’s not true. Everything that happens to me in my life is my fault and she told me so. All the useless added stress was added by me. I hate my life. I just seem to make everything worse. Sometimes I think everyone would be better off without me and I wonder why I’m still here. I just want it all to stop; all the pain and all the hurt, but it doesn’t seem too. Sometimes, I don’t want to live anymore, but of course, I don’t have the guts to do anything about that so maybe it’s a good thing. Everything would be much better if I had someone in my life to talk to, to have a shoulder to cry on but I just seem to break everyone I try to touch and get close to. They all seem to coil away. Is something wrong with me? I wish I knew so then I could fix it and make it all better so someone could stay with me.

I can’t really tell my mother how I feel because she says it’s bad. I can’t help it. It’s how I feel and her telling me it’s bad just makes me feel worse. That’s why I don’t tell her a lot of things anymore. I also have nightmares were I tell her something that is the truth and she says that I’m lying even thought it is the strait truth. If I keep telling her the truth then I will get in more trouble for lying and if I say she is right, I will get grounded for lying still.

What am I suppose to do? She never listens to me when there is a fight with my other sisters and I try to break it up. She just grounds me when tells me she doesn’t have time to listen. Sometimes I wonder why I talk at all when no one wants to listen.

Oh and on top of that, I'm not doing too good in Japanese with my letters...>.<

Ok, that’s that. That’s what was on my mind yesterday for the most part.

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