Thursday, February 10, 2005

"Me fail english? That's unpossible" ~Ralph Wiggum

"The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I didn't keep my finger outta there." ~Ralph Wiggum


"I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T...I mean S-M-A-R-T." ~Homer


"Oh Lisa, you and your stories. Bart is a vampire. Beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that.....building.......thingy, where our beds and TV.................is." ~Homer


"Oh my god, this man's my exact double! And that dog has a puffy tail. Hee hee hee. Here puff! Here puff!" ~Homer

Homer
Homer: Here's to alcohol, the cause of—and solution to—all life's problems.

Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. (lie dectector blows up)


Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.


Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Homer: Lisa, would you like a donut?
Lisa: No thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit.

Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
Homer: Well, I think the veal died of loneliness.

Homer: [drunk] Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him.

Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!
Marge: HOMER!
Homer: I gotta go Moe my damn weiner kids are listening.

Homer: Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.

Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done.
Homer: You say that so often that it lost its meaning.

Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.

Homer: Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how!
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo-hoo!

Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Marge: Homer! There's someone here who can help you...
Homer: Is it Batman?
Marge: No, he's a scientist.
Homer: Batman's a scientist?!
Marge: It's not Batman!

Homer: From now on, there are three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.
Bart: Isn't that just the wrong way?
Homer: Yeah, but faster!

Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

Trent: [walking up] The man knows what he likes.
Homer: Just taking care of business.
Trent: If you don't, who will, huh? Trent Steele.
Homer: Homer Si ... uh, Max Power.
Trent: Oh, hey! Great name!
Homer: Yeah, isn't it? I got it off a hair dryer.
Trent: [laughs] I like a man who can poke fun at himself. [looks at his watch] Ooh, hey, my one o'clock cancelled. Eh, you had any lunch?
Homer: Yeah, but I usually have three or four.
Trent: So where to eat? You like Thai?
Homer: Tie good. You like shirt?

Homer: I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

Homer: Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

Homer: Oh Lisa, there's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away.

Kent Brockman: We win again. But the real winners here are Marge's Hors D'Oeuvres.
Homer: How do you come up with such witty remarks?
[focuses in on ear plug/mic]
Guy in the van: I guess you could say its my racket.
Kent Brockman: I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
Homer: Get off my property.

Homer: There's your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph Wiggum: I'm a boy.
Homer: That's the spirit. Never give up.


Bart: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but man... (laughs, then pauses) So, to answer you question, I don't know.

Homer: I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

Burns: I suggest you leave immediately
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called ... "The Bus That Couldnt Slow Down."

Kent Brockman: Scientists say they're also less attractive physically and while we speak in a well-educated manner, they tend to use low-brow expressions like 'oh yeah?' and 'com'ere a minute.'
Homer: Oh yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart! Com'ere a minute.
Bart: You com'ere a minute."
Homer: Oh yeah?

Grandpa: Now where's my card. Ok, I'm an elk, a communist, the president of the gay and lesbian comittee for some reason, oh here it is. The Stone cutters.
Homer: Yes thank you dad. Lets go!.... I'll take this communist one too!

Homer: [Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay]
Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You are gay.'

Homer: If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.

Homer: Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Homer: [Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Homer's Brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's Brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

Homer: I do have a story about two other young marrieds. Now, the wife of this couple had an interesting quirk in the bedroom. It seems she goes wild with desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow.
Mrs. Krabappel: We need names.
Homer: Well, er, let's just call them, uh, "Mr. X" and "Mrs. Y." So anyway, Mr. X would say, "Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson."

[Santa's Little Helper goes off running with George Bush, leaving Homer all alone]
Homer: I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush.
Homer's Brain: There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you'll ever say and nobody heard it.
Homer: D'oh.

Homer: You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Homer: Okay Marge, its your child against my child. The winner will be showered with praise. The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.

Homer: Well crying isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.
Bart: You're right.
[Gets up and leaves]
Homer: Rats. I almost had him eating dog food.

Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?
Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.

Homer: Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

Homer: Now this next song goes out to a very specail lady .. she's over 2, 000 feet tall and weighs over a 1,000 tons.
Man: Oh my god, this monsterous woman will devour us all! (dives away into the ocean)
Homer: I was talking about the statue ...

Marge: Homer, you don't have to pray outloud.
Homer: But he's way the hell up there!

Homer: Well, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of... No TV and no beer make Homer something something.
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: Don't mind if I do!

Homer: Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Bart: b-6
Homer: you sunk my scrabbleship!
Lisa: this game makes no sense.
Homer: tell that to the good men who just lost their lives... SEMPER-FI!

Homer: What's a wedding? Webster's dictionary describes it as the act of removing weeds from one's garden.


Homer: It's true, I'm a Rageaholic.....I just can't live without Rageahol!

Homer: Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

Homer (sung to the Flintstones song): Simpson! Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in history. From the, Town of Springfield! He's about to hit a chestnut tree! hits tree

Homer: When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

Homer: Hey, we didn't have a message on our answering machine when we left. How very odd.

Homer: I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean S-M-A-R-T...

Homer: That guy impressed me and I am not easily impressed. Wow. A *blue car*.

Homer: No offense Apu, but when they're handing out religions you must be out taking a whizz.
Apu: Mr. Simpson, pay for your purchases and get out...and come again.


Mother Simpson: [sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man...
Homer: Seven.
Lisa: No, dad, it's a rhetorical question.
Homer: OK, eight.
Lisa: Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?
Homer: Do *I* know what "rhetorical" means?

Homer: I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Homer: Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!

Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.

Lisa: I'm an ugmo.
Homer: Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa: Father's have to say that little stuff.
Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
Grandpa: No. You're homely as a mule's butt.
Homer: There. See?

Homer: Homer no function beer well without.

Homer: You couldn't fool your own mother on the foolingest day of your life with an electrified fooling machine!

Homer: Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure... not even close



Homer: Hey boy! Wanna play catch?
Bart: No thanks dad.
Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grandpa Simpson: I'll play catch with you!
Homer: Go home.

Homer: Son, I just want you to know I have total faith in you.
Bart: Since when?
Homer: Since your mother yelled at me.

Lisa: Dad, don't you think you're overreacting?
Homer: Don't you think you're *under*reacting?
Lisa: This conversation is over.
Homer: This conversation is *under*.
Lisa: Goodbye.
Homer: *bad*bye

Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Homer: I have a great way to solve our money woes. You rent your
womb to a rich childless couple. If you agree, signify by getting indignant.
Marge: Are you crazy? I'm not going to be a surrogate mother.
Homer: C'mon, Marge, we're a team. It's uter-US, not uter-YOU.
Marge: Forget it!

Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power ... like God must feel when he's holding a gun.

Homer: How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

Homer: All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.


Bart: Geez Homer, you sure do suck tonight.
Homer: Yeah, suck like a fox!

Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?
Homer: Never, Marge. Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Frink: ...and these (handing books to Homer) should give you the grounding you'll need in thermodynamics, hypermathematics and of course microcalifragalistics.
Homer: Er, look, I just want to know how to invent things.
Frink: All you have to do is think of things which people need but which don't exist yet.
Homer: You mean like an electric blanket-mobile?
Frink: Www oh well, possibly. Or you could take something that already exists and find a new use for it, like...
Homer: Hamburger earmuffs.
Frink: Mmm well, I suppose that would qualify.
Homer: Thanks sucker. (Homer throws the books and runs off)
Frink: Weh, uh, alright just stay calm Frinky. These babies will be in the stores while he's still grappling with the pickle matrix bhay-gn-flay-vn.

Homer: Bad bees. Get away from my sugar. Ow. OW. Oh, they're defending themselves somehow.

Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat.
Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster.
Marge: And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome.
[Looks out window]
Bart: [creepily] Hello, mother dear.
Marge: That's it, we have to get them back to school.
Homer: I'm with you, Marge. Lisa. Get in here.
[Lisa walks in]
Homer: In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics.

Homer: I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

Homer: Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.

Homer: Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.

Lisa: Look at the "wonders" of the computer age now.
Homer: Wonders Lisa? Or blunders?
Lisa: I think that was implied by what I said.
Homer: Implied... Or implode?

Marge: Homer, I don't want you driving around in a car you built yourself.
Homer: You can sit there complaining, or you can knit me some seat belts.

Homer: Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Homer: I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

Cpt. McNeil: I like the cut of your jib.
Homer: What's a jib?
Cpt. McNeil: Promote this man.

Homer: I've gone back in time to when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos.

Homer: Marge, I'm going to Moe's. Send the kids to the neighbors, I'm coming back loaded!

Bart: I smell a museum.
Homer: Yeah, good things don't end with 'eum,' they end with 'mania' or 'teria.'

Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Homer: Fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

Marge: Homer, a man who called himself "you-know-who" just invited you to a secret "wink-wink" at the "you-know-what". You are certainly are popular now that you've become a Stonecutter.
Homer: Oh, yeah. Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein hoists, AA meetings, beer night. It's wonderful, Marge. I've never felt so accepted in all my life. These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined.

Homer: My ears are burning.
Lisa: I wasn't talking about you, Dad.
Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside, so I lit a Q-tip.

Homer: Okay, I'm never going to win Father Of The Year. In fact, I'm probably the last guy in the world to have kids... wait, let me rephrase that. I love my kids. I'd do anything for Bart and Lisa.
Judge: And Margaret?
Homer: Who? Lady, you must have the wrong file.
Marge: She's talking about Maggie.
Homer: Oh, Maggie. I've got nothing against Maggie.

Homer: It's not just a store - it's a Megastore! 'Mega' means 'good,' 'store' means 'thing.

Homer: Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman

Homer: He didn't give you gay, did he? Did he?!?

Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Homer: Look, all I'm saying is, if these big stars didn't want people going through their garbage and saying they're gay, then they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively.

Homer: I feel that if a gun is good enough to protect something as important as a bar, then its good enough to protect my family.

Grandpa: Are we there yet?
Homer: No
Grandpa: Are we there yet?
Homer: No
Grandpa: Are we there yet?
Homer: No
Grandpa: ........Where are we going?

Bart: Hey guys, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.
Homer: Pfft. That's no reason to block the TV.

Homer: I'll never wiggle my bare butt it public again
Lisa: I'd like to beleive that this time, I really would.

Homer: Uh-huh, uh-huh. Okay. Um Can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about uuhhh, things. Uhh... the things.

Homer: I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

Marge: What on earth possessed you to get an earring?
Bart: Milhouse has one.
Marge: If Milhouse jumped off a cliff...
Bart: Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there.
Homer: Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family and its proud naval tradition.
Bart: Well, I'm keeping this earring and you can't stop me.
Homer: Oh ... I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced.
Lisa: Can I?
Homer: No.

Homer: Lisa, you're a Buddhist, so you believe in reincarnation. Eventually, Snowball will be reborn as a higher lifeform... like a snowman.

Homer: Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.

Homer: Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the Bible.
Lisa: Really? Where?
Homer: Eh, somewhere in the back.

Duff book of records: Springfield is now the fattest city in the U.S.
Homer: Woo Hoo. In your face Milwaukee.

Homer: Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.

Homer: Oh sure. Even communism works. In theory.

Homer: Then we figured out we could just park them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised and I turned out TV.

Manager: Do you like children?
Homer: What do you mean, all the time? Even when they're nuts?

Homer: I want the answers now or eventually!

Homer: Sorry, Mr. Burns. I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious. But the answer is no!

Homer: If he's so smart, how come he's dead?

Homer: I'm like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?

Homer: Bart go to your room
Lisa: Why dont you just eat him?
Homer: I dont need any serving suggestions from you, you know nothing know it all

Homer: You know, my kids think you're the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music, they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide.

Homer: You mean you gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel about giving.

Homer: When will you people learn? In America we stopped using corporal punishment and things have never been better. The streets are safe, old people strut confidently trough the darkest alleys and the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free, for as the Bible tells us, "Let your children run wild and free."

Homer: The problem in the world today is communication. Too much communication.

Marge: I think you should do it, Homer, you might learn something new!
Homer: Oh, Marge, whenever I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out. Remember that time I went to those duff brewery classes and I forgot how to drive?

Homer: Jesus, Allah, Buddah. I love you all!

Homer: Note to self: Stop. Doing. Anything.

Lisa: I still believe in protecting animal's rights, but that still doesn't excuse what I did. I'm sorry for wrecking your barbecue, dad.
Homer: That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.

Homer: "You know, the one with all the well meaning rules that don't work out in real life, uh, Christianity"

Lisa: At this rate, I'm gonna end up at Vassar.
Homer: I've had just about enough of this Vassar bashing!

Homer: Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Homer: See you in hell, dinner plate!

Apu: I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service.
Homer: You're selling what, now?
Apu: I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
Homer: You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos.
Apu: He's got me there.

Homer: They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names like Bruce and Lance and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just...
John: Queer?
Homer: Yeah, and that's another thing! I resent you people using that
word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it!

Homer: When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Homer: Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon. The stupidest, smelliest ape of them all.

Homer: I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Homer: We can outsmart those dolphins. Don't forget -- we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole, AND the pudding cup.

Homer: Whats this again? Apu: A napkin, sir.

Lisa: Oh, if I fail I won't even be able to get into Vassar.
Homer: I've had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady.

Homer: God bless those pagans.
Bart
Kent Brockman: Scientists say they're also less attractive physically and while we speak in a well-educated manner, they tend to use low-brow expressions like 'oh yeah?' and 'com'ere a minute.'
Homer: Oh yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart! Com'ere a minute.
Bart: You com'ere a minute."
Homer: Oh yeah?

Homer: Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Bart: What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog? Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it.

Bart: Remember, you can always find East by staring directly at the sun.

Bart: Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.

Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.

Bart: What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them -- as is my understanding ...

Homer: Hey boy! Wanna play catch?
Bart: No thanks dad.
Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grandpa Simpson: I'll play catch with you!
Homer: Go home.


Marge: What on earth possessed you to get an earring?
Bart: Milhouse has one.
Marge: If Milhouse jumped off a cliff...
Bart: Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there.
Homer: Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family and its proud naval tradition.
Bart: Well, I'm keeping this earring and you can't stop me.
Homer: Oh ... I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced.
Lisa: Can I?
Homer: No.

Bart: Well if your souls real where is it?
Milhouse: It's kinda in here... and when you sneeze, that's your soul trying to escape. Saying god bless you crams it back in. And when you die, it squirms out and flies away!
Bart: What if you die in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean.
Milhouse: Oh, it can swim, it's even got wheels, incase you die in the desert and have to drive to the cemetary.

Bart: Hey Duffman
Duffman: Please I'm not "Duffman!" anymore, I'm just plain old Barry Duffman, oh yeah.

Bart to Milhouse: How can someone with glasses so thick be so stupid?

Bart: Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.

Bart: I can't stand to see you so upset, Lis, unless it's from a rubber spider down your dress - Hmm, that gives me an idea note for later: put rubber spider down Lisa's dress.

Bart: Mom, can we go Catholic so we can get communion wafers and booze?

Lisa: Bart, Pablo Neruda says "the eyes are the window to the soul."
Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

Grandpa
Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.

Grandpa: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three.
P.S. I am not a crackpot.

Marge: Grandpa, this flag only has 49 stars on it
Grandpa: I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missourah!

Marge; Grandpa, are you sitting on the apple pie?
Grandpa: I sure hope so...

Grandpa: Now where's my card. Ok, I'm an elk, a communist, the president of the gay and lesbian comittee for some reason, oh here it is. The Stone cutters.
Homer: Yes thank you dad. Lets go!.... I'll take this communist one too!

Mr. burns: so do u have a way to get rid of the protesters?
Grandpa: One way to get rid of them is to tell 'em stories that dont go anywhere. Like the time we went over to shelbyville during the war, I wore an onion on my belt....which was the style at the time...you couldnt get those white ones, you could only get those big yellow ones.................now where was I........oh yeah, the important thing was I was wearing an onion on my nelt, which was the style at the time, you couldnt get those... (trails off)

Grandpa Simpson: The last time the meteors came, we thought the sky was on fire. Naturally, we blamed the Irish. We hanged more 'n a few.

Grandpa: Well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answer to all the important questions.

Abe: That doll is EVIL, I tells ya. Evil! Eeeeeeviillll!!!
Marge: Grandpa, you said that about all the presents.
Abe: I just want attention.

Lisa: I'm an ugmo.
Homer: Now, that's not true. You're cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa: Father's have to say that little stuff.
Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
Grandpa: No. You're homely as a mule's butt.
Homer: There. See?

Homer: Hey boy! Wanna play catch?
Bart: No thanks dad.
Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grandpa Simpson: I'll play catch with you!
Homer: Go home.

Grandpa: Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by presidents 'til the cows came home! Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions!

Grandpa: Are we there yet?
Homer: No
Grandpa: Are we there yet?
Homer: No
Grandpa: Are we there yet?
Homer: No
Grandpa: ........Where are we going?
Apu
Apu: Will this bewitching floozy, seduce this humble newsie? Oh, what's a paperboy to...doooo?

Homer: No offense Apu, but when they're handing out religions you must be out taking a whizz.
Apu: Mr. Simpson, pay for your purchases and get out...and come again.

Apu: Please do not offer my god a peanut.

Apu: Hello. I am not interested in buying your house, but I would like to use your rest room, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. Ha! Now you know how it feels! (runs off])

Apu: I won't lie to you. On this job, you will be shot at.

Apu: Mr.Simpson--A Twizzler is not a sprinkle...A Mounds is not a sprinkle...A Jolly Rancher is NOT a sprinkle!!!!

Apu: Thank you for coming. I'll see you in Hell.

Apu: By the 7 arms of Visnu, I swear it. I am not a Hindu.

Apu: Look at that outrageous markup! You magnificent bastard, I salute you!

Apu: I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service.
Homer: You're selling what, now?
Apu: I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment.
Homer: You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos.
Apu: He's got me there.

Apu: Homer, you are asleep at your post! Now go change the expiration dates on the dairy products!

Lisa: Wow, a secret staircase. But what do you do if someone wants a non-alcoholic beer?
Apu: You know, it's never come up.

Apu: Hey, hey, this is not a lending library. If you're not going to buy that thing put it down or I'll blow your heads off

Apu: Tonight I’m going to party like it’s on sale for $19.99!

Apu: Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie!

Apu: All Kwik-E-Mart employees must be skilled in the deadly arts.

Apu: Ooh, they used nylon rope this time. It feels so smooth against my skin. Almost sensuous.

Apu: Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I work, I work.

Homer: Whats this again? Apu: A napkin, sir.

Apu: Oooo, a headbag. These are chock full of...heady goodness.

Apu: This passport is a cheap forgery! A cheap $2,000 forgery!

Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.

Apu: Thank you for knocking over my inventory. Please come again.

Apu: Nickel off on expired baby food.


Apu: Homer's a delightful fella, sorry bout the salmonella!

Apu: Back then I was known as the fifth Beatle.

Apu (singing): For No Reason Here's Apuuuuu..,

Apu: Shiva H. Vishnu!

Apu: Mrs. Simpson, I--I cannot go there. That is the scene of my spiritual depantsing.

Moe

Moe: I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.

Moe: They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.

Renee (Moe’s girlfriend): Really, you think I’m gorgeous?
Moe: Yeah, well the parts that are showing. I guess you could have a lot of weird scars or a fake ass or something.
Renee: You don’t talk to a lot of women do you?

Moe: Hi, my name's Moe. Or as the ladies like to refer to me, 'hey you in the bushes'

Ned Flanders: You ugly hate-filled man.
Moe: Hey. I may be ugly and I may be hate-filled but ... uh ... what was that last thing you said?

Moe: Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.

Rex Banner: What kind of pet shop is filled with rambuncious yahoos and hot jazz music at 1AM?
Moe: The best damn pet shop in town.

Homer: Moe, I need your advice.
Moe: Yeah?
Homer: See, I got this friend named... Joey Jo Jo... Junior... Shabadoo.
Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.
Joey runs out of the bar sobbing
Barney: Hey! Joey Jo Jo!

Moe: Homer, lighten up! You're making Happy Hour bitterly ironic.

Moe: Uh, how do I say this without being offensive? Marge there ain't enough booze in this place to make you look good

Moe: People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.

Moe: You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.

Moe: Maya Angelou is black?!?

Moe: All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog.

Sideshow Bob
Sideshow Bob: Attempted murder, now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?

Laywer: Well, what about that tatoo on your chest? Doesn't it say Die, Bart, Die?
Sideshow Bob: No, that's German for 'The Bart, The."
Parole Judge: No one who speaks German can be an evil man! Parole Granted!

Marge - Stay away from my boy!
Sideshow Bob - Oh i'll stay away alright STAY AWAY FOR EVER!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ... wait thats not right. (walks off)(runs back)
Sideshow Bob - Ok, Marge, I've got a good one now, say "stay away from my boy again."
Marge - No!

Sideshow Bob: Because you need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down inside you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king. That's why I did this: to protect you from yourselves. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a city to run.
Judge: Bailiffs, place the mayor under arrest.
Sideshow Bob: What? Oh yes, all that stuff I did.

Sideshow Bob: By the way, I'm aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out.

Sideshow Bob: Well, if it isn't my arch-nemesis Bart Simpson. And his sister Lisa to whom I'm fairly indifferent.

Sideshow Bob: No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it,

Sideshow Bob: You want the truth! You can't handle the truth! No truth handler you! Bah! I deride your truth handling abilities!

Sideshow Bob: Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!

Sideshow Bob: Ah, corn chips.The perfect snack ..................for revenge!
Leo: Augh!Terrible!
Sideshow Bob: Oh hush up, Leo!

Barlow: Sideshow Bob, councilman Les Whinen says that you're not experienced enough to be mayor. Sir, what do you have to say about that?
Sideshow Bob: I'd say that Les Whinen ought to do more thinking and less whining!

Ralph

Ralph: Me fail English? That's unpossible.

Ralph: That's my swingset, and that's my sandbox. I'm not allowed to go in the deep end. And this is where I met the leprechaun.
Bart: Right, the leprechaun.
Ralph: He told me to burn things.

Ralph: Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!

Homer: There's your giraffe, little girl.
Ralph Wiggum: I'm a boy.
Homer: That's the spirit. Never give up.

Ralph (To a wolf): Will you be my mommy? You smell like dead bunnies...

Bart Simpson (spelling "Impervious" in a spelling B): I...M...P
Nelson: Bart is pee!
Ralph Wiggum: I made Bart in my pants!

Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.

Ralph: My cat's breath smells like cat food.

Ralph: [whispering] Lisa, what's the answer to number seven?
Lisa: [whispering] Sorry, Ralph. That would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation.
Ralph: [pauses] My cat's name is Mittens

Ralph: When i grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar.

Ralph: I ate the blue ones ... they taste like burning.

Bart: Go orange!
Nelson: Go grapefruit!
Ralph: Go Banana!

Ralph: I bent my wookie.

Ralph:"Then, the doctor told me that BOTH my eyes were lazy! And that's why it was the best summer ever."

Ralph: When I grow up I'm going to Bovine University.

Ralph: Oh boy! Sleep! That's when I'm a Viking!

Miss Hoover: Now, take out your red crayons.
Ralph: Miss Hoover?
Miss Hoover: Yes Ralph?
Ralph: I don't have a red crayon.
Miss Hoover: Why not?
Ralph: I ate it.

(Bart hits Ralph in the head)
Ralph- (Money falls out of his nose) There's my milk money, (Milk falls out of his nose) and there's my milk.

Ralph: The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there.

Ralph: Daddy, I'm scared. Too scared to even wet my pants.
Chief Wiggum: Just relax and it'll come, son.

Ralph:"Slow down Bart! My legs don't know how to be as long as yours."

Ralph: And, when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life.

Ralph: Can you open my milk, Mommy?
Ms. Hoover: I'm not mommy, Ralph. I'm Ms. Hoover

Lisa: Milhouse, she got you too!
Milhouse: Yeah but its ok im standing on Ralph...
Ralph: We're a totum pole HIHOWAREYA HIHOWAREYA

Ralph: Even my boogers are spicy!

Ralph: Prinskipper Skippel... Primdable Skimpsker... I found something!

Ralph Wiggum: Your toys are fun to touch. Mine are all sticky.

Ralph: Principal Skinner, I got car sick in your office.

Ralph: Lisa's dancing makes my feet sad.

Ralph Wiggum: Daddy, these rubber panties are hot!
Chief Wiggum: You've gotta wear them 'til you learn, son!

Ralph: Uh... so... do you like... stuff?

Ralph:"This snowflake tastes like fish sticks."

Ralph: I glued my head to my shoulder, now i have two owies

Ralph: I dropped my popstickle in your toy chest

Ralph:My nose makes its own bubble gum.
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