Wednesday, December 28, 2005

   In the holiday dumpy-blehs

Yeah. I'm not feeling so hot right now. Maybe because:
A) I feel obligated to tell my girlfriend my secret.
B) I miss my girlfriend!
C) I have nearly no money again.
D) I have 15 million things to do.
E) "him". Need I say more?
F) I still can't get into that story!
G) I'm tired!
H) I'm Bored!
I) I've been listening to semi drepressing music.
J) I WANT TO SCREAM!!!!
K) I want to blurt out my secret.
L) I feel like no one listens to what I have to say.
M) I feel like people think that just because I don't remember that I don't care.
N) "him" again...
...) "
ZZ) "

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Ugh. That's about all I can say. I have so much I have to do that I'm getting pissed at it all. I just want to be like the computer and when it gets too full of stuff to print, it just purges the queue. I guess I'm lucky I'm even posting here. I really feel like crap right now. I'm exhausted, but I'm not tired. I'm bored yet I'm actively doing something. I have soo many things to do that I don't have time to prioritize. I know that I have to deal with "him" first, because he don't leave! Then I have my other commitements, things I said I would do, and things I want to do. I think I got DDR killed...

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I'm gonna hope that it's all just a really temporary situation I'm in here. I hate feeling like this. THIS HAD BETTER CLEAR UP BEFORE MONDAY! Even sooner, I hope... I don't want to be this ticked. I don't want to snap like I did on my ex-"friends" after Matt S. killed himself. I thought I handled this yearly, not every two months. Maybe I'm just upset in the head here. I already knew that I was, but perhaps I need to get help or something. This isn't normal for me.

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The only other explanation for this all would be that something big and bad is happening/has happened/will be happening. Something that affects me rather personally. It may just be a serious case of the "WTF?!? Am I really a __________? Even if I am, how sure am I? How do I know I'm actually a ________ and not something else?" 's. (IOW, the doubts...)

I dunno. All I know is this sucks. I should do something, but I don't trust anyone enough anymore. I barely trust paper anymore, because it's a permanent record of what I feel and if it gets in the wrong hands, I could be exposed. That would REALLY SUCK! Years of keeping up the pretty siding to keep the ugly insides from being seen by the neighbors.

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Maybe I should be seriously questioning my mental state here. I don't know. This like three years ago, but less severe thus far. It may end up into another time where I separate myself from everyone as much as possible. I'm just so messed up inside right now. I don't even know 2/3 of what I'm typing. I could be exposing secret after secret and then that would be so uncool. I have reasons I hide everything I hide. If it's unusual or even _________, I hide it. Everything from __________ to __________. Then I feel like "he" is in my head and bothering me and I can't tell what he wants anymore. It can't be those forums... i went there... I ain't going back for at least 8 hrs. Then I have all the issues that I had last time I had the breakdown. I still can't do anything well (other than not die) and I have next to no talent... I'm pretty much useless. I'm having something like a mid-teens crisis i guess. I;m nearly there at least. Maybe not uer, but I will be soon.

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I need someone who cares right now. Even if I won't let you understand, just let me know you care. Please? Any way you can get at me. MSN, Email. I just need an outlet. like "writing".

(It must be those forums... peoples' names are being typed involuntarily!).

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Anyone who reads this, please don't send those guys in white coats. I'm not that bad. I'm just in a bad mood. Bad times for me. I'll hopefully be out of this soon. Maybe if I'm lucky, the reason that I think that "he" wants me to go to bed is because I may actually dream tonight. I hope so. It's been about 5 days since I had dreamed last, and that one was a mundane day of school. I just want to make it be over with. I want to be out of here. I want something nice. I want privacy, I want people and things I can trust. I just feel like I can't trust anyone. I feel like "he" should have kept being called "he" so that one more confused and worried person can stare at this and hope the best for me. I'm just glad that i'm not being self-destructive or in any means physically harmed. I don't want you all to be too worried about me. I'll be fine. I think...

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And I hate doing this too. I hate sitting here complaining to you all. I'd rather be complained to than do complaining. I like to be the understanding person who tries to help even if I can't do anything anyways. Sometimes I wish I could just _________ and run away for a few days. But I can't. It's impossible to ___________. And I feel like just screaming every curse word I know at the top of my lungs then run around wherever I feel like. I WANT TO BE FREE. I don't want to have to deal with the commitments I have made. I just want to purge my printjob queue and sit in silence. If I were a computer, I've been on too long. I need a rest from life. I just need to be released. If even for a while. And then there are issues even deeper tham I can explain, let alone understand. High school is not the most fun years of school. So far, 6-9 have all sucked big time. 'Cause all I could do for the longest time was be confused. I didn't know what the heck was going on. I was really lost. Thank god I actually had time then to sit and think. I didn't have a website or 8 to maintain, and I didn't have much else to do anyways.

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Well, it's three in the morning and I feel bad I've been dumping all these issues on you. I just want to get it off my shoulders. Although all I did was bring it up so that I can end up taking it all back in. Back to square 1. so,

Seeya'll later. I hope.

P.S. Don't worry about me too much. Suicide is not cool with me, and I'm not cutting myself or anything like that. I'm just REALLY down right now. So just move on and maybe keep me in your thoughts. I hopefully will be way over this by the time I come back to check my site. (Which, sadly, myy not be untill after the new year...)

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