Saturday, November 13, 2004

   Still here

I'm still here even though I haven't updated in a little while. I've finished my exams and contrary to what I said before I'm not going to write anything about my Chemistry and History: Revolutions exams. I have recently been listening to a lot of random music having obtained the Resident Evil Apocalypse CD. Now the 2 styles of music that I really enjoy are punk and Goth. Seems unusual, hey. Well The REA soundtrack contains a lot of gothic style music. Now a song that relates to me in a sense is Tourniquet by Evanescence. I'm putting it up here as it is a bit dark for my welcome message. Tourniquet - Evanescence: I tried to kill the pain but only brought more I lay dying And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal I'm dying praying bleeding and screaming am I too lost to be saved am I too lost? My God my Tourniquet return to me salvation my God my tourniquet return to me salvation Do you remember me lost for so long will you be on the other side or will you forget me I'm dying praying bleeding and screaming am I too lost to be saved am I too lost? My God my tourniquet return to me salvation my God my tourniquet return to me salvation My wounds cry for the grave my soul cries for deliverance will I be denied Christ tourniquet my suicide Now just before the last chorus the words "I want to die" are screamed but since I'm writing down from the printed Lyrics it isn't included. Anyway. In other matters I recently bought .Hack//Legend of the Twilight Bracelet. This is the third in a series of three mangas. Bloody hilarious. Seems strange, again 0 visitors in the three days I have been away.

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Tuesday, November 9, 2004

   Things that remind you...

I've had a good week except for study, but I haven't felt down or anything. Now today when I woke up I was back in my depressive state. This is never good for me as it ussually returns me to thoughts of how to kill myself. I've always thought that I won't be missed by anyone if I just disappear. The last time I thought about these things I considered hanging myself in the garage. Now I've recently been listening to Greenday's new album, but when it's not playing I always have one section of it going through my head. It goes like this: Nobody likes you Everyone left you They're all out without you Having fun. Now I'm not too sure but this could be what has me so depressed. I just know that my "friends" are out doing fun things and never consider inviting me. I also know that when they are talking about me they are usually laughing at me. Did I mention I was slightly paranoid? No, well I am. But this has no effect on what I'm feeling. It's not paranoia that has me feeling down because everything I pointed out above is fact. Now no one probably likes hearing about my problems which is probably why I haven't had a hit in two days, but I somehow have to air my problems. I know one of these days I'm either goin to completely crack or I'm going to have a complete breakdown. Hell, there have been numerous times this year where I have almost had a breakdown. At times I just don't feel like going on. I felt like that for the whole of third term. I couldn't gather the energy to do anything. I think I'll go slash my throat, doubt I'll do it though as death scares me.

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   submitting fanart

This is bloody annoying. It took four tries for me to submit one piece of fanart. It was understandable why it was rjected the first time as it was too big. The second time though I reduced the size to 750 x 750 and it was still rejected. I tried a third time on that size and it still wouldn't allow me to submit the piece. I then had to reduce the size again to 700 x 700 before it was accepted. Apart from that I quite pleased with the piece as it is my first ever piece of fanart. Check it out when it is accepted. If it is accepted.

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Sunday, November 7, 2004

warning

Danger fire in the area. Oh wait that's me. UCAUTION IN THE INTEREST OF SAFETY IT IS ADVISABLE TO KEEP MEGGIDO AWAY FROM FIRE AND FLAMES. Username: From Go-Quiz.com

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Acronym name

Here we go. Meggido as an acronym. M Misunderstood E Exciting G Glitzy G Grungy I Ideal D Delicious O Odd Name / Username: Name Acronym Generator From Go-Quiz.com

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Is their such thing as love or is it only a crush?

Now this probably seems weird coming from a guy but hey it does happen. I'm one of those people who do believe that it is possible to find love if you're under the age of 21, thoguh I've never had a girlfriend. Well, for me I don't know if I've missed this twice. But I could also have been saved embarrasment. For this I'm just going to call the two girls, T. and E. Okay the first girl was in a production with me and getting to know her, I began to get feelings for her. I'm not sure what exactly but anyway. I was going to ask her out one night and so I decided to ask a friend who new her very well if she had a boyfriend. This is how the conversation went: Me: Hey, do you have any idea if T. has a boyfriend? Friend: I'm pretty sure that she does. Why? Me: I was thinking of asking her out tonight. Friend: Oh yeah I'm positive that she does have a boyfriend. *Feeling of heart splitting in chest or just a really bad pain around that area begins.* It seems a bit silly but when I saw her that night the pain felt worse and it was only when I was in a different room that I felt slightly better. The second girl was my formal date. I was taken in by her beauty the first time I met her and then when I had dinner at her place so her parents could meet me, I found out that we had a lot in common. Now after the formal I talked to her a bit on MSN but she stopped going on after a while and so I sent her a SMS (because I didn't see her often after the formal) asking her out on date. Now this is a conversation I had with my sister about a month after sending the message: Sis: E. wanted to know if that SMS you sent was asking her out on a date or out as a friend? Me: Why? Sis: She said that she would hate to turn you down me down as she considered me a friend. Why, did you ask her out? Me tentatively: Yes. Sis: Oh, how sweet. You had a crush. Me: Just don't tell her. Please. That's pretty much where that conversation finished. But I got the same painful feeling as with the first girl. Now for a month after the events, whenever I thought of the particular girl I continued to get the same painful feeling. I think that I'm over it now though. Comments?

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   Rain again

Hey, It's been rainning again and I'm not happy about when it began to rain. Now I'm not an exercise freak or anything but I decieded that riding my bike would be a nice way to get out of studying. Well I headed out just as it began to sprinkle and I thought it would stop because it hadn't rainned all day. It was alright until I reached the petrol station when it decided to start bucketing down. Now I'm at a petrol station and have to ride home and the weather doesn't seem like letting up. So in the end I ride home totally drenched.

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Thursday, November 4, 2004

Rain, rain, rain.

Ahhhhhh. It's raining, it's pouring the old man is snoring. Geez. I'm inside, outside it is very wet and the public transport near me has no shelters. I was planning on going out today but that might not happen. I'm also supposed to be studying. With the noise that the rain is making I would have to say fat chance that is going to happen. Anyway hate it but love it. Hate it when I'm home by myself and no way of getting to the shops except a ten minute walk to public transport. Love it as I can use it as a reason for my mum to let me go to the movies or play videogames.

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Wednesday, November 3, 2004

Exam 4 - Literature

I'm not actually going to be doing this exam until late today so I'm putting up this post now. The Literature exam requires students to write on two texts under the question "use one or more of the passages as a basis of discussion on ..." For me these will be Heart of Darkness and Forbes' poetry. This exam gives students a lot of scope for doing their own thing. Probably the biggest problem I've had is that I have to much freedom and don't know where to start. Any way that's all. I probably shouldn't have put up the post depression. I hoped it would make me feel better but it just made me reflect on how bad my life is. Won't delete it though.

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Tuesday, November 2, 2004

   Depression

Now it has been suggested by some of my friends that I might suffer depression. But do those who have depression know they have it? The main guy who suggested it had just been reading my MSN names which were quite dark. The thing is I could be depressed. I considered commiting suicide on a year 9 camp and actually spoke about that with some of the guys in the group. The group leader heard and spoke to the school councillor about it. Man was that a mistake. I had to see the councillor and had kids asking when I was going to kill myself. Now reasons I could be depressed. I've had a fairly shocking life outside of home. My friends if you could call them that either tease me or those who are good friends forget to invite me to parties or to go clubbing. I'm 18 and have never had a girlfriend. What's more annoying about that is that the girl's I know just want to be friends. One girl who didn't even know me personally asked my age and then said she thought I was 12. Now if that doesn't hurt. There are probably other reasons but I can't think of them right now. Comments?

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