Monday, August 20, 2007

Ok well not the poem that I promised but that's still coming. Anyway just bare with this, I don't know if it's gonna make sense but it's gonna be a bit of a ramble. So for 13 years of schooling I was a social outcast. I didn't and I don't think I ever could make friends, instead I'd prefer to lose myself in books, videogames, manga, etc. In some ways it could be said that due to my being a social outcast I was trying to draw myself further away from society. Anyway during the last 2 and a half years of uni (so we're now up to 15.5 years of education) I thought I was breaking away from this a possibly building up social skills. Well recently I just don't know. Firstly don't take the way I write as being how I am in person. I'm pretty much 2 different people. The online person who seems to be socially adept, talks, gives advice, can make witty remarks, and then there is the "real" me, socially inept, introvert, unable to express myself. So that's the two me's in a nutshell for 13 years of education and to a lesser extent the last 2.5 years. Secondly I've been sick recently, and possibly this me being sick is not just a sickness of the body but also of the mind. I don't exactly classify myself as being healthy, though I'm not always sick (I may feel it though). So anyway recently I've been feeling like pulling myself back into my status of being a social outcast. Distancing myself from people in general and maybe limiting my human contact as much as possible. Maybe it's just a phase, or maybe I just feel safer confiding in myself only. However last time I decided to try and keep things locked in I ended up losing it and putting a chair through the wall during one of my year 12 classes. Probably end up hiding in my books and videogames again. It's not like they can hurt me. I know I'm most likely just trying to run away, but that's how I've spent most of my life... running away from my problems. Maybe it's just that I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. Whether it's with the friends I've now made, or with the people who I have class with. I know I probably need help. Funny thing is that those who are probably able to help me, my real life friends (yes all the people who visit me here are my friends too), are probably never gonna read this unless I link it to them. Maybe I should be posting this on my LJ instead of here but chances of them catching sight of the update would probably be slim. So poem is a few days away at best.

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Saturday, August 18, 2007

so warning to all. new poem on the way. it's practically done but I need to do some touch ups before posting it.

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Thursday, August 9, 2007

So turns out my last post was a bit of a false alarm. Probably brought on by depression, anxiety and my own insecurity. Anyway saw her again today and we were completely fine so as of now my worries are completely at ease. Anyway on another note, ever felt like writing, saying, or yelling something that wasn't completely pc or might make yourself and others feel maybe a little bit uncomfortable? Well I had that feeling today and for some reason just wanted to say something I know I probably shouldn't. I won't right it here for the same reasons. :P Anyway as for my day had lunch with two friends. Actually introduced them to each other and then got to listen to them talk to each other about Yaoi >.< Anyway we ended up talking for at least 4 hours possibly longer and thus I didn't end up getting home till about 7 though if I'd gone to my class (forgot about it :s ) and left straight after I'd have been home around 3:30. Fun time though.

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Tuesday, August 7, 2007

so I don't know what's with me at the moment. Well I kinda do. I guess firstly I'm sick. Caught a cold so I'm feeling horrible, coupled with the headache I picked up today and a slight feeling of depression. So I guess I can explain that last bit and what it means. Well basically as of almost two weeks ago as most of you probably know I got dumped, well probably not badly as some people are. Well I guess most things seemed alright after the initial shock...and a quick cry a couple days later. Monday last week I actually talked to her on MSN and seemed like we were doing fine getting our friendship back on track (hopefully to what it once was). Well saw here the Thursday after and then again yesterday, but things seem different. Not like they were before. The first day it seemed like she only said a few words to me then didn't take much notice, but yesterday it seemed like she didn't acknowledge me at all. I'm feeling extremely torn right now. I guess it could be me, and I could be mistaken, but I'm generally very insecure and don't want to lose these friendships I've built up over the last few years. In truth I don't think I had real friends till I came to uni, and as a sort of proof I don't contact any of my high school "friends" and don't want to see them. So at the moment I'm lost. I want her to be happy, if it's better served without me around then so be it. I want to email her something but don't have a clue really of what to say and how to phrase it. My last email to her sounded stupid and that was something I realised after sending it.

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Sunday, July 29, 2007

So finally after at least 8 months I've had a theme change. From Fate/Stay to Death Note. Probably can't tell cause the damn info bar is covering them, but on the left side of the background is Near and Mello. Also with this theme change comes the return of something that I use to do but most people probably don't remember. And that is placing a song's lyrics into my introduction note. This time it's With Me from the new Sum41 album Underclass hero. Chances are that this won't stay long however.

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Wednesday, July 25, 2007

so things couldn't be worse at the moment. Well i guess they could be for me it doesn't feel like they could. late night at the moment...yes Australia is about 15-16 hours ahead of US so late night...And I get an email from my girlfriend. Well I thought to myself that this should be something good but boy was I wrong. This is the second time this year now that I've been going out with someone and they've then decided they're not ready for a relationship. I guess it's hard to get angry at that cause it's very understandable (and I wouldn't get angry/frustrated at them anyway), but it just seems like I'm going to be stuck as that "nice, understanding guy" that I seem to be labeled as. I guess they do say "nice guys finish last" I guess the good thing is that we're still going to be friends, though I don't think it will quite be the way it was before we started going out. I'm still waiting for her response to my response though. Guess it's back to repressing certain feelings.

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Thursday, July 19, 2007

So have been back at uni for the last 4 days. semester 2 great fun <.< Anyway I have to be a glutton for punishment with the amount of reading I have to do. Being a lit student is lots of fun, having to read 20 books for 2 subjects over a semester. reading 4 at the moment with more reading for other subjects as well. On another note I think my girlfriend is avoiding me at the moment and I don't know why. I mean she's not on MSN lately, she doesn't return emails and she hasn't replied to the few SMS messages I sent. Maybe she's busy but I don't know. I mean I know I haven't done anything wrong (at least I think I haven't). Also we didn't get to go out again during our break. I know that was because she was busy during what was left of the break, making cosplays. :p Last thing I know was she was saying she wanted to take it slowly so we could find out more about each other. Anyway I agreed and then I've got onto her once since. Hopefully she turns up for lunch next thursday since that's when we're both on campus together.

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Saturday, July 7, 2007

Live Earth

So been a couple of weeks and a bit has happened but this post is not about those things. :P This is about Live Earth. 7/7/07. The date of Live Earth 2007 and I've been alternating between the concerts in Japan and Australia while sitting at my computer. I must say they have some great bands playing but my big ones were John Butler Trio from the Australian concert and Abingdon Boys School from the Japan concert. I actually got into Abingdon Boys School from the OP song that they did for the D.Gray-man anime but hearing there other songs was great. the fact that they finished with that OP song was awesome as well.

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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

so..

So date went ok. Movie was good, definitely better then the first one. Lunch was good. Thing was it didn't really feel like a date. We're trying to take things slow and at a pace we feel comfortable with but I'm sure it's not supposed to feel like its simply just two friends going to the movies together. We haven't arranged the next date yet but hopefully that turns out better. Maybe we'll actually hold hands <.<

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Tuesday, June 26, 2007

first date

so anyway That girl I asked out a while ago, about 4 weeks ago now, is finally going out with me. Well tomorrow is our first date. We're gonna be getting lunch and then seeing a movie. fantastic Four, which by the way was her choice :P So anyway this our first date together, and ever. So I was wondering anyone got some last minute advice?

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