Monday, March 29, 2004

Having the "sighs" again...
I'm at a low point right now. You know, one of those times when everything seems so blase, or just plain sucky. So, I might actually post something personal in this poor excuse for a journal.

Why am I so down? It's a lot of things... the fact that I don't have a car, and get stuck at home so often while my friends go out and do stuff... (kinda silly, isn't it? but a lot of silly things can add up to make life sucky) I haven't gone anywhere with friends for weeks. All summer I was busy, going to the movies, the coffee shop, just hanging out and doing stuff, but then school came and my parents get mad at me if I go somewhere on a school night, so I stopped doing stuff. And apparently, all my friends forgot about me. I spend Friday nights, the only night I can really go anywhere, home being depressed. I got tired of always begging for rides and having to ask people to take me everywhere, so I just gave up.

College is bugging me too. I'm already accepted to college, got my scholarships and everything, but I still have to work out where I'm going to live. In addition to having my tuition and books completely paid, I get $3000 a year in scholarship money. If I live on campus, that'll all go to the dorm. No car, and I have to pay for food/living expenses from my imaginary bank account.

The college is about 45 mins from where I live, so I'm considering commuting. Pros: I get a car, I don't have to buy food/ pay rent, cons: I have to live at HOME. Is it worth it? I don't know.

School's being a pain too. We're supposed to do these senior project things, the paper of which was due second quarter, and we're supposed to be presenting now. I didn't do the paper (wasn't worth my time) and now they're suddenly saying if we didn't do the paper, we can't present. I already got points taken off my second quarter English grade for not having the paper, which I was fine with, but the presentation is worth 10% of all 4th quarter grades. That really really sucks. My only consolation is that it's the second semester of my senior year, and it doesn't matter much.

Speaking of senior year, I have no prom date, no prom dress, no money, which means I'm probably not going to my senior prom. I have mixed feelings about this- I'm relieved because it's a lot of bother and stress, but worried I'll regret it. It's kinda sad not to go to your senior prom. I know if I stay home that night I'll spend the whole night rueing it.

What else is bothering me? Oh... the crush. This is going to sound ridiculously silly to most people, because you won't understand my frame of mind. I don't believe in casual dating. At all. I think there's no point in getting into a relationship that isn't serious, and no point in getting into a serious relationship unless marriage is a very real possibility. What am I saying? I won't date until I'm ready to get married. Yeah, I know it sounds strange, but it's a very strong personal belief I have. Saves me from a lot of heartache.

So, the problem really is that even though I choose not to date, I'm still emotionally fallible, and I still have hormones. Needless to say, I've had a crush on a guy for a long time, and there's not a bloody thing I can do about it. He's of the same belief about dating as I am, and freakishly polite about everything. He's super nice, and friends with everyone, but that means I'm no more friends with him than anyone else. It's very frustrating.

Ah well. There's my "sad times" spiel. I think I'll go kill myself now. x.x

(not literally)
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