Tuesday, July 20, 2004

This is for you.

You don't respect me, or what I believe in. You've always put me down, always driving me closer and closer to believing I'm this terrible person. I already think I'm bad enough, you just add fuel to the fire. I've always been the one at fault, never you, no it's never you. You think you're the one with the worst problems, that everyone treats you badly, but have you ever stopped to think...how you treat some of your friends? Don't blame it on your upbringing, you know that that's not it. Always fighting, all we do. Always something I do wrong. Always you, telling me what a horrible, terrible, awful person I am, calling me names you know hurt me, saying things that scar my heart. And it's always I who give in first, and always I who apologize. Never once have you said you're sorry, for all the pain you've caused me. Not once. All you do is put me down, I'm such a bad person. Adding fuel to the fire, which is already burning bright, though hiding behind the wall. I try to do what's best for you, I try to forgive and forget, I know in my mind "I hurt you, it's my fault." But in my heart, I'm just as wounded as you. You don't seem to realize this though, you never seem to know. I don't know why I never told you, maybe because I was afraid, afraid you'd get mad at me again. You know that is my weakness, you've known it for so long. Every time we fight, as said before, I give in. Because, of course, it's always me. I'm the one at fault. I did something you didn't like, so I should have to pay. I'm sorry. I know I'm a bad person, I used to punish myself for this. The fire died down though....but it's coming back. This time though, I want...I want you to know I'm hurting too, I've never told you before...that you hurt me more than I've ever let you know. I'm always afraid you won't care...which is why I always give in. I give in to the fights, because I care about you, and I don't want to hurt you anymore. But this one time...just this once, I want to know...do you care about me too? Do you love me...or not? Are we friends,...aren't we? I always thought so...but...my heart is starting to weaken, and the heat is growing hotter still.. You know I love you dearly, you know I don't mean to hurt you...but do you like hurting me?..I have to know.

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