Wednesday, January 4, 2006

Senses on overdrive.
And he says, lets overwhelm those sensations.
And we all say, but we don’t get lost!

Now tell me which is giving you troubles, she murmurs as she pulls my hands away.

Lines fade. Hopefully this one will come back into view. It was my path out. Im just here waiting, carefree. On top of the world. Finally able to find solace within myself.

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Friday, December 30, 2005

Drunken Walk Routine.

Can we? Just once more? Please? If I told you then...?
Its hard being shut up inside having no one to run to. Not this time. Not for this. Holding dearly onto a fresh but both forlorn and beloved memory. Nothing mattered in the moment. Carefree and cold. And it was there in that moment that I made a great mistake. Funny how things work out you know? No, it wasnt the cold biting at my cheeks. Not the sun in my eyes that paralyzed me. But I dont know just how things are anymore...Not up here. And I see your faces connect and blur and I wonder if you're happy even though I know you are. I see your bodies make the shapes [and I want to scream] and I wonder if I'm being true to myself. Question my sanity. The lines I read, I try desperately to find a place for myself within them. And I'm sorry for the way I treat you. Its not your fault. And now I'm careful of the words I tell you. Cautious. And could you understand? Do you? I know I'm a puzzle. I'm sorry. Its the rings I think in. I've made so many attemtps to break those chains. Just for you. I succeeded this time, but it burst into oblivion. The feelings I failed to contain. I dont think anyone ever can. If you only knew. I can't get it through to you. When im with you i want to hold my head high and smile, and then hide away and scream out to you. I'm so afraid.
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Neglected.
Not sure anyone comes here at all, butim going to use this page to repost my deleted entries from another site.


A turn of the tables. I saw her again.

I died, she says. Of cancer, she says. I look at her, confused. She tells me This is my dream. In my mind I disagree. She says Im in heaven. And in heaven we can do whatever we like. Do as we please. This isnt heaven I scream to her. This isnt your dream. Im thinking things just dont come that easy. Not here. And she wont leave. Wont believe my words. Now get out I say. You cant be here. Ill do as I please she says. Isnt it wonderful? Its all as I dreamed it would be. Listen to me I scream. Youre not in heaven. You never died. Dont you understand? She doesnt understand at all i think. Shes not 'there'. For now anyways. Escaping. Like always. Like it used to be. Her and reality have not gotten along in a very long time. And for a second I wish I was as on top of the world as she is. And then I stop. Out of shame. And then he comes. See, I am in heaven she says. Were all here together again. Whats wrong with you he says. Dont you see what you do to them he asks her. I turn and look at their faces.Confused. Absolutely sad. And I feel guilty. What do you say, he asks me. Its your choice. Stay or go. And then I truly wish I knew the woman standing before me. I cant, I cant go, were going to stay here I choke out the words. And as they come out their sharp tin edges dig into my tongue. I wish I wouldnt have spoke. I see her weak heart finally break before my eyes and I turn away. This way no one can see me cry I think to myself. I'm sorry she cries. Can you forgive me? Im sorry, I thought I could fix it. But I dont speak. I turn back around and put on a strong hard face. Fake emotions. They always were. She looks to me for sympathy. At the moment I have none. I just stare her down. Her face crumbles. You have to leave he says. Listen she sobs I'm sorry for everything. Dont tell me that he says. Tell them he says. She breaks. Her face buried in her hands. She looks up again, hurt. Are you sure thats what you want she asks me. Yes I reply coldly, and the tin digs in deeper. She takes in a deep breath. Im dead she says. Dont you understand? You ruined my dream she yells lashing out. I feel something push the sharp metal down into my throat. And he pushes her out. You ruined my dream she screams, and her face twisted, pouring. He pushes her further away, and I want him to stop for just a second. Just a second. You wont see me ever again. Im dead, gone. I hope youre happy. But im not. And the guilt floods in. And in the last moments that I see her face, I want to cry out. Tell her it was a lie. But it wouldnt have mattered. I dont know her. This stranger. I managed to ruin her heaven in a matter of minutes.
This stranger.

And I think, yeah, she probably is as high as heaven but shell come down soon.

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