Tuesday, October 19, 2004

ok ok
ok things are klinda good now. got rid of the pop up thing that was stuck and didn't have that bad of a time with te skirt. there was that one boy that oulled it up on me so he could rub my butt...... didn't like that. anyway other then that there seemed to be all around aproval. it is now 6:30 and i was hoping with the rain no school. yeah right but still. the only thing that is bothering me is that i have been not een allowed to play in the computer like normal cause of my brother. today i wil and mom and just can kiss my butt if they think i am giving it to them.
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Monday, October 18, 2004

.....

i have gotten a pae stuck up on my computer...... actually two. am working around them. feel i shall freeze to death cause my stupid ass was so adament about surpriseing some of my boys with a skirt. my hand hurts so no more for today besides i need to restart the computer.

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Sunday, October 17, 2004

   lol

you all amuse me so.... ok yesterday due to lack of stimulation my mind shut down on me and would no longerput my thoughts in word form. instead everything came a sounds and noises. i though the man hanging himself was cute and and for the i'm first thing. it was cause i like to be the first one to post and was. all there is to it. anyway today i went out and wandered the mall before going to see the movie taxi. it was very good and i don't normally like those types of movies.and now for todays animation..... SEPHIROTH!!! YAY!!!!

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Saturday, October 16, 2004

   misandonanadon

the words are missing and with the yeah and crap the thoughts and just sounds and T__________T but ok with that thought but the twitchy edgy scared is bad and looky > man neeeee......... i was first i was first... you all suck *does the u suck dance*

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Friday, October 15, 2004

   feel so much better today

scared some ppl, pleased some ppl and made an enemy, had a fight with a very close friends cousin, and cried with that same boy (the friend)now i am happy or was til i got yelled at. anyway look at my nes gif... it makes me happy. and one for shasta td>

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Thursday, October 14, 2004

   *WARNING* none of todays post are for the faint of heart

DAMN CRAP AND TO HELL WITH IT ALL.... i just had a long and explainitory post all written and i deleted it...... anyway lets see if i can remember it.... recently i have been a evil violent kick... the urge to hurt things, big and small. i have wanted to rip still beating hearts from living creatures and watrch the blood flow down my arm. to slowly torture the everyone till the were willing to kill them self to escape. i want to see the blood dries and hard around me and have the crushes white bones, the twitching pink muscles, and the pales lined brain in my hands around my body. to seee feel and taste the death the hatred and the fear in ppl. my night time self the one in me that can not stand the day that love to roam the night was awoken. with no way and part of me screaming in side i have done nothing on these urges but to draw a little blood here and there. now i am trying to repress it with stage blood and mass carnage movies... it may be working... if it doesn't i am going to drain some of the blood from my hand to calm my nerves and lock myself in my room til i am forced to leave. i feel that i can destroy my room in peace and that with lack of human contact even if i can not stop the want i can repress it again. sorry for scaring you and any pain i may cause in this time. and to all those evi lppl out there that feel the need to hurt something i found a very basic game for you...http://www.mindistortion.net/games/painomatic... try it it helps

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   demented free verse 1

the spellin and linking is bad, also evilish.... nothingness invelups me. no emotions. in one way good. a calm no hate no anger. in another way bad. a low no love no happyness. why do i have these moments. moments when nothing not me not the world, nothing matters. is it that i am under so much diress or is it a prevew of what is to come. will it end this time. these instances grow llonger grow closer together together. does this mean that one day they will not end. pain and happyness both gone. they only thing that lets me know that i am still alive is a tingle and fludder in the pit of my stomache. it that my emotions trying to come back. if i help them break loose what emotion will surface first. what will i do if i let them all loss. could i end these moments if i stopped hiddin myself and my emotions. but if i did then how would others see me. would it break the carefully formed image i have made for myeslf. would the world still love except me if i let it all out. the times i slip they get scared so if i was to just let go what would they do. i worked and trained to get exceptance to get love. does that mean that it is all fake. what are my options. to hold back and lose a of myself. then i could always let go and lose all i have worked for. i can make no choses. maybe there is another way. maybe if i had someone to help.

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   a demented free verse 2

a warnig evilness within.... again not for the weak or naive The need to hear the screams of other and to see the beautiful red blood slowly roll down from the narrow cut from my blade is all that I crave. The want so hard to handle. The taste so irresistible. To feel and taste the sweet red nectar on my tongue. To let it lull me as the need slowly vanishes. But to be unable to do so is torture. To be forced to hide who I am for the fear of others reactions. All emotions are repressible but some harder then others. They slowly eat away at your insides. At first the pain is unbearable but you grow to love it. To need it. When suddenly they surge and you grow cold and calm. Those around you yell. Some run. Some are to stunned to move. Others the brave close in around you. At first they restrain you, fearing you, but as you body shake and tears crawl down your face they lose all fear. You get to close they embrace you. You feel the heat. You fell the need to be there. But other needs take over. The need to taste. The want to taste. Again you suppress it again the need eats at you but you must hide the pain. When you are away from those you love you will let lose. Destroying things that mean nothing. Hurting things that can not feel. It helps but little. You bite your tongue to hold back a yell, a howl. You taste the metallic blood as it flows from your tongue. The taste fuels you on. You fight but it is no use you have held it in to long. You need. You want. Lock yourself in a room. Turn the music up. Make it something that will keep others away. Something that will hide your yells. Something to hide the destructive noise of a vase that had found its way to the wall from your hand. You fight alone with ghosts and spirits until you collapse total exhausted. For now you have held of the urge. Saving those close to you from what they can't understand. No what they won't understand. You turn the music down. Now to something calm comforting. You go to the bathroom. Again you lock yourself in just incase. You drawl a bath the cold boil the blood. You soak. Exhale all the bad and draw in the smell of the water. Once sure that you are back you dry off, dress. Wrapped in the smell of lavender you walk through you yard. The cold grass feeling good under you. You can handle this you tell yourself. You will not hurt them. You are stronger then to lose to your urges. You have been trained well. They need not know. Let them fear for you. Let them think they can protect you. Let them think that you need help with others. If they fight then you need not see, smell, taste, the blood drawn in battle. Your hurt, your hate, your need fade. But you lose more. Your lust, your desire, your soul slowly fade with it all.

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Wednesday, October 13, 2004

ok....

so recently i have reverted back to my evil noctural self as shasta so kindly pointed out..... i need to hurt something.... ^_^ i shal enjoy when school starts and i have ppl..... anywho i told one of my friends that i wanted to hurt something and this is what he sent me i think i scare him.....

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   ........

am sleepy..... 2 am...... will update later...... bed now.... Z_z

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