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Friday, August 24, 2007


For Your Entertainment....

Lately, I've been posting depressing things, so here's some "Cyanide and Happiness" to put the smiles back on your faces...
Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net



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Thursday, August 23, 2007


Spiraling Down...

Mood: a mix. I'm so confused about how to feel right now.

Currently listening to: Blue October's "Foiled" cd.

Guys, I've cried off and on now since 6 pm yesterday. I'm so mixed up. I'm utterly shattered, I'm extremely pissed, I'm numb, and above it all (the worst feeling ever) I still love Aaron! I talked to him for about an hour last night. He feels like the world would be better off without him. I told him I'd argue with him all night if I had to. He's so heartbroken about hurting me like this. But he says he needs to figure his life out. I just don't understand that if it's killing us both, why does he feel it has to be this way? All my friends are pissed at him. Smurf wants to kill him, Kytten wants to hurt him, Lindsey said she'd try not to let him know she's pissed, Kitty says he didn't deserve to even get this close to me. He keeps telling me that I'll find someone better, that I'm a great girl and any guy would be lucky to have me. The truth is: I DON'T WANT ANY GUY!!! I WANT HIM!!!! WHAT THE HELL DOES HE NOT UNDERSTAND?! I know I love him, and he says he really cares about me and loves me too, so WHY THE HELL CAN'T WE BE TOGETHER?! I hope the next girl he's with is nowhere NEAR as good to him as I was! I hope when he looks into her eyes, kisses her, holds her close, he CAN'T STOP THINKING OF ANYTHING BUT ME!!! I hope my memory haunts his dreams, just like all our good times together haunt me! I hope he realizes what he lost. He needs to hear the song that's currently playing. It's "Let It Go", obviously by Blue October. I mentioned I was listening to that cd. It's good for break-ups. So is Linkin Park. I was listening to them a lot last night. Anyways, I tried so hard these past few days to hang on to what we had, and it still slipped through my fingers. It was all wasted effort. I asked God this morning to let me meet a guy today. A guy who I can just be friends with for now. Who understands what I'm going through, and can make me feel beautiful again. Aaron made me feel so beautiful, and now I feel so ugly and worthless and used. He told me if we ever went as far as we did, he wouldn't just up and leave me. HE LIED!!! HE LIED TO ME!!! LOOK AT WHAT HE'S DONE!!! I'm sorry I'm venting and ranting on here. But it's healthy to talk about your feelings, and I need a LOT of healing right now. Before you call me emo, stop, open your mouth, and shove your foot in it. I HATE to be called a frickin emo! I'm NOT emo! I truly loved him! I know what real love is! I felt like he was the one for me, and if he hadn't lied to me, we wouldn't have gone as far as we did. That's what hurts the most. I'm so stupid! I should've known we wouldn't stay together! I just KNEW that if I went off to college, it wouldn't last! That's why I didn't want to go! And please, don't ask if I'm ok. I'm not right now, but I will be with time. I need to go. I'll see you all later....

Excel¤~
¤~~After all that's happened, it was only a fleeting dream~~¤


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Wednesday, August 22, 2007


   The Breakup....

Well, Aaron just texted me an hour ago. It's now 7 o'clock. He would've told me when he called, but I had to go because I was going into the cafeteria. I left the cafeteria because I didn't like what they were serving. I got back to the room, tried to call him, and he didn't answer. I decided to get something to eat out of the food in me and Mantha's dorm room, and before I could get it all the way open, he texts me. It was a break-up text. He didn't want to hurt me, but he said he was sorry. He wasn't sure if I was what he wanted. He wanted to try some different things. Then he texts me saying, "U okay? Don't be sad. Be happy." I asked him how the HELL he expects me to be happy! He wants to be friends, so I told him I did too, but to give me at least a month before I even spoke to him again. Men can be such dumbasses. He ripped my heart out.

And to those of you who thought my poem was "emo", why don't you take the following suggestion:
Let the love of your life break your heart in small ways for a month, then BREAK UP WITH YOU, ripping your heart out! Don't EVER call me emo!!

That's all I can say right now without breaking down again....


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"Captive Angel" (C&C Appreciated!)

Chain me up in your desires,
Force me down again,
Keep me locked away.
I am your captive angel, after all.
Cut me with your words,
Stab me with your kiss,
Pierce me with your eyes.
Make me bleed.
In your absence I feel you,
In my mind I see you,
In my heart I love you,
But the pain rises above it all.
Tears well up and spill over.
Time and time again,
I trip and stumble,
I fall over what you do to me.
For every twisted fantasy,
You break my heart again.
But the pain of losing you,
That would kill me.
I'm ever the masochist, darling.
So tell me that you love me,
I know it's very true,
Then pull me down again,
Rip my heart out,
Kill me slowly with your ways.
Keep me as your prisoner,
Chained in your desires,
Forced down by your touch.
After it's all said and done,
I'm your captive angel.


I wrote this last night. I drew a picture first. The picture is of a black-haired girl, head down, kneeling, hands behind her back. She's chained to a post by her neck and her hands are handcuffed, though you can't see it. She's in normal clothes. She has angel wings.
After I drew it, I decided to write down my feelings on my present situation. I wish I had access to a scanner. I probably do, I just don't know it.
To all of you who vowed to pray for me, thank you so very much! It means a lot to have friends who care.

¤~Excel
¤~~The desires of the soul chain the body down and hold the spirit captive~~¤


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Tuesday, August 21, 2007


   So Confused...

Ok, so Aaron has been trying to get me to go further than I am willing. I have gone a little too far with him, and it seems like he only wants me for sex. I love him with all my heart, and I don't want to lose him. But this morning I told him we need to back up, and that I'm not going that far anymore. I was so scared he would break up with me, but I told him anyways. He hasn't yet. He just said ok. He said he wouldn't do that anymore. But then when I told him I loved him, he didn't say it back. He just said ok. I'm scared he's gonna break up with me tonight when he calls, or when I call him. But whatever happens, happens. I've felt like a dirty whore ever since we went that far. I'm tired of hating myself. I cried myself to sleep last night over this, but I know I'm making the right decision. Please, if you believe in God, pray for me. I prayed over it last night, and I told God I wanted to come back to him, no matter what the cost. Just pray that I can be at peace, and that God will do His will in my life.




Excel¤~


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Monday, August 20, 2007


   Sleep-Deprivation...

Well, I decided to change my theme....Again....
Now it's just a sexy little theme. Blame Aaron. He makes me feel like I'm in the top ten of Maxim's Hot Chick's list...I don't know the official name...So I found this pic, and she looks like me, 'cept my eyes are hazel. The avi kinda looks like me too. So my theme is basically "Me In Anime". But I decided to leave the Final Fantasy 7 video up. I WANT COMMENTS ON IT!!! DARN IT!!! I NEED TO KNOW IF I SHOULD KEEP CRANKIN OUT AMV'S!!! TELL ME!!!!
O.o
Anyways, I'm sleep-deprived. But it's my own fault. I haven't been getting much sleep since getting here to college. I slept in this morning, missed church, missed seeing my parents off...Wait, it's after midnight....Yesterday, I slept in....And then at like 9 pm, the entire student body got to go to the movies...FOR FREE!!! Me and Mercury Tiger saw Rush Hour 3. It was much better than the 1st two...
^0^
I'm so tired....
*falls asleep, hits head, wakes up*
...Sorry...Ow....
*rubs head*
I better get off of here. I have no idea what's going on hardly. I'm fighting sleep....Where's the nearest Starbucks..? I need a Quadrillion Chocolate Frappucino....Yes, I know that's not a real drink, but I need it to stay awake.
T.T
I'm gonna go before I start talking nonsense....

¤~Excel
¤~~Monkeys climb trees and the bed is too high for me to jump on...Yes, this was irrelevent...Does anyone read the neat little sayings I usually put here?~~¤


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Sunday, August 19, 2007


Short Story: Together Again (C&C welcome! No Stealing!)

David looked up to see his wife, Emily, looking back at him. “Hurry up, slowpoke!” she called. David smiled and watched her laughing in the sunshine. “Emily, it’s been so long since we been to the beach,” he called back. “Oh, now. It was just yesterday we was here!” Emily laughed and ran into the surf. Her golden hair was trailing out behind her in the wind.
“When did your hair grow out?” he asked. Emily turned around, puzzled. “My hair’s always been long, David.” She ran back to him. “What’s wrong with you? Here lately, you’ve been saying odd things, David.” David smiled down at her. “Maybe I’m just losing my mind, darling.” Emily laughed and hugged him. He held her in his arms, breathing in the sweet aroma of her perfume. It was Lilac and Lily, her favorite scent.
Suddenly, David let go of her. “Emily, I had the worst nightmare. You got cancer. All your hair fell out. You died. They put you in a casket surrounded by lilacs and lilies. And then they took you to the cemetery and buried you.” Emily looked up at him. “David, it was only a nightmare. I’m here. Right here with you. I’m not going to leave you.”
David sighed. “There was more. I lived for a long time without you. They put me in a nursing home. It was so sad.” He sank to his knees on the soft sand. Tears clouded his eyes. Emily sank down with him and touched his cheek. “David, don’t dwell on these things. It was only a nightmare. I’m here, and I’ll always be here. This is our own little world. We’ll never be apart.”
The two stood, and Emily ran back into the surf. “Come on, David! Let’s go swimming!” she called. “Emily, you know I can’t swim!” he called back. He ran after her anyways. “We can do anything we want here. This is our world. It was made for the two of us.”
***
Bridgette watched David shuffle down the hallway, calling after an unseen woman. She had started working at the Silver Hills Nursing Home last week. She turned to Jeanette, the other nurse on duty, and asked, “Is Mr. David alright?” Jeanette looked up from the towels she had been folding to watch David. “Oh, yeah. He just calling after his wife. She died a year after they got married. She had brain cancer. He never remarried after that,” she explained. “He lived alone a long time. He finally developed Alzheimer’s and now he stuck in 1935. That’s the year they got married. I don’t think he was ever quite right after she died, though.”
Bridgette looked after David a little while longer, and then went back to helping Jeanette with the towels. “Emily! Emily, wait on me!” they heard him call. It was almost time for the residents to go to bed. Jeanette put down the towel and went after David. “Mr. David. Mr. David, it’s time for you to be going to bed. Let’s go to your room.” She led him to his room and helped him get into bed. “Goodnight, Mr. David,” she said, closing the door.
***
The sun was setting. Emily was lying out on a beach towel, her hair wet and tangled from swimming. “David, why don’t we stay the night here, on the beach? I want to stay the night.” David smiled down at his wife. “Okay, we’ll stay the night.” He lay down beside her. They gazed up at the stars. “David, let’s go find our own paradise. Let’s slip away, under the water,” Emily whispered.
Emily got up and walked into the surf. David followed her. “I told you, I don’t know how to swim,” he protested. She took his hand and led him deeper into the water. “You don’t need to know how to swim. We’re going to the world under the water. Don’t you know about that world?” David let her lead him deeper and deeper into the water. Soon they were submerged.
David realized he could breathe under water. “It’s a magic world, David. We don’t have to swim; we don’t have to hold our breath. All we have to do is walk. We can walk there. We can go and never be parted,” she explained. “It sounds lovely, darling. Is it Heaven?” he asked. She only smiled and kept leading him deeper and deeper under water.
Soon, they reached a beautiful city, shimmering with gold. The gates were pearly white, and the houses were lined with all sorts of jewels. “David, you don’t have to leave me again. We’re in Heaven now. Nothing can separate us. Death can’t take me away anymore. We’re together again,” Emily whispered. David held her close, and a tear rolled down his cheek. “I prayed for nothing more, Emily. I prayed for nothing more,” he whispered back.
***
The next evening, when Bridgette came in to work, she found Jeanette crying. “What happened?” she asked, concerned. Jeanette looked up at her. “Bridgette, the morning nurses found Mr. David outside when they came in. He was face down in the pond out in the courtyard. He drown himself last night.” Bridgette’s eyes clouded over. Without thinking, she put her arms around Jeanette, and the two cried together. “He finally found his wife,” Jeanette whispered.



I wrote this awhile back. I know it lacks a lot of detail, but it's supposed to. It's just something that flowed out of my brain one night around midnight. Enjoy!

¤~Excel


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Saturday, August 18, 2007


   3 Month Anniversary ♥



Today is my 3 month anniversary with Aaron. This is the longest relationship I've ever been in! Go me! I'm REALLY sad because I'm at college right now, and he's back home, which is like 3 hours away. I really want to see him. I'm used to seeing him every day, and now I'm suddenly cut off from that...I'M HAVING WITHDRAWALS!!!



I made my current background. It'll be available in my portfolio, along with several others, when the server gets fixed or whatever. I can't change my avater. It sucks because I have a really beautiful black and white of Cloud in all his emo glory.


glitter-graphics.com

My parents fixed our a/c problem....temporarily...They bought me a desktop fan! It works. We actually got to sleep in our dorm room last night. Yeah, anyways, I'm gonna get off of here. I'm kinda hyper. I know I said I was REALLY sad, but that's on the inside. On the outside, I'm like SUPERCRAZYHAPPY--ish....Yeah, so that explains GIR, Raphael, and the Berries n Cream dancing figures...Hahaha! Berries n Cream haunts you, Tall Man! You know you like to do that dance. I still have that video....I should upload it to Youtube....Hehehe....Yeah, I'm evil!

¤~Excel
¤~~When life hands you lemons, squirt the juice in the eyes of your victims; then dance on their squeedelysplooch~~¤


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Friday, August 17, 2007


   A Forced Hiatus...

Well, as you know, over a month ago, I went to Florida. When I came back, the computer I had been borrowing was broke. The guy didn't get his internet back yet...To my knowledge...

Uh...Let's see...Oh! I'm at college now! Unfortunately, my dorm room has no air conditioner and it is a freakin' 1000 DEGREES in here! Fortunately, my parents love me and are staying the weekend up here. They just bought me a desktop fan from Wally World. I love you, mom and dad! Me and Mercury Tiger are roomies. Love you, chica! Tu es me mejor amiga!

College is fun, but Aaron is funner...More fun...WHAT THE HECK EVER, DUDE!!! My CI (Critical Inquiry) class is awesome. It's the only class that's met so far. There are like 3 or 4 people from Malaysia and 1 from Honduras. They're cool. The class has been (unofficially) named "Dude, Where's My Class?" It's awesome.

I miss Aaron. Tomorrow is our 3 month anniversary, and it is the LONGEST relationship I've ever been in. I can truly say I believe he is the one for me. We're different, but there's a strong connection between us. I miss him a lot, and last night I cried. I also got sick and threw up because of the heat. I called mom and dad, and they took me and MT to their hotel room to stay the night. Anyways, back to the subject at hand. I miss Aaron and I love him so much! I know this is sappy and corny and you probably don't wanna hear it, but when we look in each other's eyes, there's something there that can only be explained as love.

Well, I shall now change the theme of my site to the afore promised FF7 theme! I gotta upload my video first. It's an AMV that I made. I've gotten way better at them...

See you guys laterz!
¤~Excel
¤~~Without air, we can't breathe; and without air conditioning, we can't live~~¤


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Friday, July 6, 2007


   So Much Better!


Well, I'm feeling much better since my last post. Strongarm Discipleship is leaving for Pensacola this Sunday, after the evening service. I'm so excited! Oh! I found this doll on Belladonna's. She reminded me of my feelings. So she's in today's post. Um, anyways, due to the Pensacola trip, I will not post at all during this next week, nor will I be able to answer e-mails and phone calls. We have to leave our cell phones at home, and I won't have net access, because I won't be near a computer. I don't know how I'll survive without my Goodnight kiss from Aaron! *cries* We usually see each other every night of the week, so we kiss goodnight. I WON'T EVEN GET TO CALL HIM OR TEXT HIM!!! *cries even more* Well, I'll just have to make up for it before I leave...*evil smirk* Wait! Don't get any ideas, you perverts!

Okay, I want to thank Ae-sempai for helping me with the site font. It's Comic Sans MS now! Whooo!!!

Um, yeah, Wednesday, the fourth, I went to Aaron's house. He grilled. He is an EXCELLENT cook, and I DO NOT say that because I love him. Anyways, near dark, Sniffles and ForgottenSoldier came over, and we shot fireworks. FS and Aaron were doing all this stupid crap with the firecrackers. They're pyromaniacs, like me. ^-^
Well, I'm gonna go before the computer freezes again!
¤~Excel


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