Thursday, November 2, 2006

   Annoy A Cop...

Hey, you must've been doin' 125 mph to keep up with me! Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. Hi, officer. Do you mind holding my beer while I find my license? I thought you had to be in relatively good shape to be a police officer. You know, I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. Bad cop! No doughnut! You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? Didn't I see you get your butt kicked last week on "Cops?" Wow, you look like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed. I bet you I can grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket. So, you on the take, or what? Aren't you the guy from the villiage people? Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS? Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches? Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. I pay your salary. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds. So uh, you on the take or what? Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's night stand. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

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   General Ways To Annoy People...

Accuse people of "glue sniffing addictions" in public. Add blank entries to a list, to make it look like it's longer. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way". After visiting the local donut shop, sit on the floor cross-legged and insist in a childish voice that you haven't received enough chocolate sprinkles. Announce when you're going to the bathroom. Answer every question with another question. As soon as one of you says a statement instead of a question, shout "I win!". Any time a member of the opposite sex tries to talk to you, hold your hand up to prevent them from saying anything and say, "Look, I know what you're going to ask me... For the last time, no, I will NOT go out with you." Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. Then eat raw potatoes. As much as possible, skip rather than walk. As people talk, smell their shoulders. Ask 1-800 operators for dates. Ask people to prove everything they say. (e.g. "I'm Bob, nice to meet you..." "PROVE IT!") Ask people what gender they are. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend." Ask to "interface" with someone. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles." At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!" At a restaurant, repeatedly send your food back for changes and after awhile insist that, "This isn't what I ordered!" At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down. At random times in a conversation, say "Hi," "Hello Sir, how are you?" or "Have a good day, thank you." At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks. Bark like a dog whenever anyone says the word "the." Be "in conference" all the time. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons. Begin all your sentences with "Ohh la la!" Block the entrances of elevators, buses, and subways. Bring 15 things into the dressing room. Bring a portable CD player to a concert and listen the CD because you insist that it is "Just better quality" Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips. Buy it, wear it, return it. Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off. Call every girl you know "dude". Call every pager number you know and leave the number for your local McDonalds. Call everyone a communist. Call into work and tell them you have something better to do today. Call other people "Champ" or "Tiger.". Refer to yourself as "Coach." Call someone and ask for someone that you know is not there then hang up. Call again about a half hour latter and ask for the same person then hang up again. Wait another half hour and call again and ask for that person again and then hang up again and wait a hour and call the same number and say that you are the person that you have been calling for and ask if you had any messages. Call the operator. When asked, "Can I help you?" reply, "No thanks, just browsing." Call your neighbors collect. Change Channels five minutes before the end of every show. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a." Chew on pens/pncils that you've borrowed. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." Claim you are fluent in over 6 million forms of communication - constantly, every time any language is mentioned, even if the comment is not directed to you Clear your throat every three or four words while speaking. Click your mechanical pencils or your pens during a test in school. Close your eyes and start snoring whenever anyone tries to talk to you. Consistently refer to everyone as 'mortal.' Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, pronouncing the results. Continually try to get all of the people who write you letters to put cellophane tape over their stamps so that you can wipe off the postmark and reuse them. Continue to ask someone, "Is this annoying? Is this annoying?" over and over and over. Continuously mumble during a conversation. Continuously open your briefcase or bag and say into it, "Have you got enough air in there?" Convince people you are deaf and talk in an incredibly phony sign language. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a southern drawl. Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace." Decline to be seated at a restaurant and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register. Dedicate your life to politics, become president of the United States, then raise all taxes to 90%. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers theme song. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador." Determine how many cups of coffee is 'too many'. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. Develop strategies for cutting into the front of lines. Disagree strongly with everything anybody says. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment. Don't clean the dryer lint screen. Don't leave a message at the beep, just hangup. Don't rewind videocassettes before bringing them back. Don't stand during hymns and anthems. dont use any punctuation Down a can of Coke in one drink and then burp loudly. Draw mustaches on posters. Dress like a "High-class rich person" and wash windows at random street corners. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange. Drive half a block. Drum on every available surface. Drum your fingers during other people's presentations. Eat out with friends and "forget" your wallet. Eat produce at the market; don't buy it. E-mail Microsoft to tell them about bugs in Windows XP that aren't actually there. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person." Every time someone asks you to do something or says something to you ask "Is that a threat?" Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver. Every time you see a particular coworker, shout, "So we meet again!" and laugh evilly. Explain "the little green men" in detail to someone, and when they don't believe you, accuse them of being one in disguise. Face the back when standing in an elevator. Fart in cramped places. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.) Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." Finish each sentence with "Monkey See, Monkey Do". Finish other people's crossword puzzles Finish the 99 bottles of beer song. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. Flirt with a friend's spouse, lick your lips slowly, wink, etc. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. For a relaxing break, get away from it all in the fish tank with a mask and snorkel. Force everyone to remove their shoes when they enter your office "to prevent contamination." Forget the pooper scooper. “Forget” the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." Frantically change the date on people's computers back 50 years, and claim that you are trying to save humanity from the "Year 2000 Bug." Get to know a friends bookie and place bets for them. Insist on keeping half of any money they win. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. Give little kids clothes for their birthdays Go canoeing and sing the Hawaii Five-0 theme. Go to a gumball machine insert coins until you have a matching pair of fake eyeballs. After attaining these, record the theme song of The Twilight Zone over and over again. Drive down the street wearing the eyeballs and playing The Twilight Zone theme very loud. When you get pulled over, leap into the passenger's seat and claim, "He was here a minute ago, officer!" Go to a Metallica concert wearing a Michael Bolton T-Shirt. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme. Go to a shoe store and try on every shoe, then say that you aren't interested in buying shoes and leave. Go to McDonalds and ask for a BK Whopper. Go up the down escalator. Go up to a someone and say, "Are you annoyed by irrelevant questions?" And then walk away very quickly. Grin so wide it hurts your cheeks at every salesperson in town. Hang around national monuments all day, trying to get in other people's vacation photos. Afterwards, give them your address and ask them to send you a print when they get them developed. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss. Hold the elevator until you have finished your conversation. Holler random numbers while someone is counting. Honk and wave to strangers. Hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song. In an office, lock all the doors behind you. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket." Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination. Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President. Insist on buying airplane tickets for friends to "save them money." Make sure the plane departs at 5AM and the tickets are non-refundable. Point out that you didn't really save them any money. Insist on giving weather forecasts in public. Claim to be AMS certified. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up." Insist that Celine Dion is better than the Beatles. Insist that it was Bobby who shot J.R. Insist that your e-mail address be zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com Instead of singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall, sing 999,999,999 bottles of beer on the wall! Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. Invite lots of people to other people's parties. Keep changing the TV channel every two seconds. Learn "Ice Ice Baby" by heart and recite it endlessly. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..." Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads. Leave pages in the copier. Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-landscape mode. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies. Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April. Leave the toilet seat up Leave tips in Bolivian currency. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September. Leave your Metallica CD in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted. Leave your pantyhose hanging in the shower. Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the parking lot. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. Let doors slam behind you -- in other people's faces. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day. Lie to your therapist. Light road flares on a birthday cake. Listen to 33RPM records at 45RPM speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing." Look at your hand in amazement and say, "Whoa, I never knew I had this!" Loudly recite people's most embarrassing secrets in restaurants. Make appointments for the 31st of September. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up. Make scary faces at babies. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi." (Hmmm, I guess our President has already co-opted this idea!) Move people's bookmarks ahead three pages when they aren't looking. Mow your carpet. (Or preferably somebody else's) Mow your lawn with scissors. Name your dog "Dog." Never break eye contact. Never make eye contact. Occasionally bark in a high-pitched voice. On a hot summer day, ride up and down the road and drench pedestrians with squirt guns. On a night other than Halloween, get a few friends together and dress like Jason from Friday the 13th. Have each of you stand a mile apart on a highway. On buses, attempt to convince the driver to take a really cool short-cut you know. Barter and haggle for your fare. On the public bus, keep asking the driver nervously, "are we there yet?" only type in lowercase. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. Open umbrellas in crowded hallways. Order a pizza and ask them if they can "please put the crust on top this time" in an exasperated voice. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon. Outloud say "What?" and then answer "Never mind. It's gone now." Page yourself over an intercom, but don't disguise your voice. Pay for your dinner with pennies. Pay tolls with $100 bills Pee in the swimming pool. Phone McDonald's and try to make a reservation for that evening. Phone random numbers and tell them you are holding their daughter hostage. Pick your ear wax and ask if you could use their sleeve to wipe it off. Pinch all the chocolate candies until you find the one you want. Place your shoes on the table. Play the electric guitar very loudly and badly, then when the neighbors ask you to turn it down, play even louder. When they come round to complain again, say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked me to turn it up! Plead with the person next to you for the window seat on the plane, and then get up fifteen or twenty times during the course of the flight complaining that you should have taken two spoonsful of "The Pink Stuff". Poke anyone near you and say, "stop violating my personal space." Pose as a client at a bank or other professional institution, and when you are seated in front of their desk, keep rearranging the items on top into different patterns and tell them you are "just reorganizing things." Practice making fax and modem noises. Practice the art of limp handshakes Press the "power" button on on someone's computer or keyboard when they're almost finished typing up a long essay, story etc. Apologize sincerely, claiming that you thought it was the focus adjustment. Pretend you are invisible. Pretend you have gone completely deaf. Pretend your computers mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk into it. Pretend you're listening. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of FBI copyright warnings. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. Put a title like Senator or Doctor before your name when making dinner and hotel reservations. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. Put everyone on speakerphone. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'. Race the old woman for the last bus seat. Rain on someone's parade. Read over other people's shoulders on the bus. Rearrange the keys on associates' keyboards to spell unflattering things about their mothers. Recite every song from the Playstation games PaRappa the Rapper and Um Jammer Lammy. Recite Shakespearian poetry to everyone you meet. Recite the first 100 decimal places of Pi. Then ask if people want to hear it in binary, too. Remove single socks from laundry machines at public laundromats. Replace them bright red scarves which are especially prone to bleeding. Repeat everything someone says as a question. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now." Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think." Ride a unicycle to work. Ride on the shoulder until you pass all the jammed traffic; then cut in. Run around holding your elbows and asking people to please take the straightjacket off you. Run through the halls of your office building or school with your arms outstretched, making airplane noises. Periodically crash into pedestrians and lose a wing. Spiral to a crash and repeat. Sample every flavor of ice cream and tell the clerk what you don't like about each one. Say to people, "Did you wear deodorant today?" Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims. Secretly learn to play the piano, then go to a friend's house who has a piano. Claim you've never played before then play Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring perfectly the first time. Then say, "I guess I must kinda be a natural." See if you can be the first one off the plane, even if you are sitting by the window. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom." Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your agency's programs. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement. Send emails to listserv when nobody else can Send people annoying chain forwards with outrageous consequences like "If you don't send this to 300 people in 4 seconds you will die instantly" and then insist that it is true and it happened to your uncle. Serve corn on the cob to people with dentures. Serve TV dinners, wine coolers, and Twinkies on Thanksgiving. Set alarms for random times. Shake with your left hand. Sharpen All your pencils to the same size EXACTLY. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. Sing along at the opera. Sing the "This is the song that never ends" song from Lampchop's Play-Along. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team. Slap people and tell them to stop grabbing your ass. Smell smoke often and announce it. Snap your gum. Sniffle incessantly. Speak in a strong Welsh accent. Speak so quietly that people always have to get you to repeat it. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go." Spend all day at a fast food restaurant and see how long it takes before you have to pay for your "free" refills. Spend an entire weekend pretending you are R2-D2. Spread fertilizer on half your neighbor's lawn. Squeeze the toothpaste from the top, and while you're at it, leave the cap off. Stand on a busy corner. Gasp, look and point up. See how many people look. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling as they read. Staple papers in the middle of the page. Stare at people for about five minutes, making sure they know you're staring at them. Then, slowly sneak up to them while humming the Mission: Impossible theme. Sniff their head, then run away. Repeat. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture." Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub." Start to build a Star Destroyer. Build a mock-up out of popsicle sticks. Step on the back of the shoe of the person in front of you. Step on the heels of the person in front of you, and ask them to watch where they're going. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. Surprise old friend's by visiting them at 3AM "to discuss old times". Switch your neighbor's lawn furniture with someone else's. Tailgate the elderly. Take more than 10 items to the express checkout lane Take off the eraser to every pencil in your house, or better yet, someone else's house. Take photos of people walking down the street and then run away. Tap someone on the shoulder repeatedly. Tape a blank piece of typing paper to your dorm or office door and leave it up for ages; when someone finally writes on it, yell at them and tell them to please not deface your property. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climatic parts of rental movies. Tell everyone you are Bill Clinton's cousin. Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus. Tell people that they're "putting on weight nicely." Tell people their accent isn't fooling anyone. Tell people their fly is down when they're wearing sweatpants. Tell people they have bad breath. Tell small children that they don't look very promising. Tell teenagers how things were in your day. Tell the ending of movies Throw an Oh Henry in a public pool. Throw newspapers back at paperboys. Throw stones at people walking past your house. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes. Touch strangers. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat. Try to fit the word "cornucopia" into every sentence you say. Unbend all the paperclips you can find, then replace every eraser you can find with a rubber band. Use the last square of toilet paper and do not change the roll. Vacuum your lawn. (Or preferably somebody else's) Wait until you get to work to shave. Walk around at the casino, looking at people's hands and giving them advice loudly. "Wow, that's a GOOD one!" or "Get rid of the nine; you've got a pair of kings!" Walk into people's houses, go straight to the fridge without saying hello, and help yourself to their food. Walk up to random people and ask them, very seriously, "Do you know the muffin man?" Walk up to random strangers insisting you are family. Walk up to someone eating. Lean over and stare at them intently until they notice. Continue to do so until they ask what you're doing. Reply, "I've been watching you eat for the last 30 seconds.. You're weird!" Leave the restaurant. Walk very slowly, and make sure nobody can get past you, move in front of them when the try. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. Wash and scrub the trees in your front lawn. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One." Wear a lot\of cologne. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. Wear alarming combinations of pink and green and comment about everybody else's fashion sense. Wear large hats during the movies. Wear nothing but white and go mud wrestling. Wear odd shoes. Wear your cap backwards and say "Yo, wazzup?" a lot. Wear your pants backwards. When a cop pulls you over, when they step up to your car, drive forward slowly and make them walk. Especially if it's raining. When at an ATM, try to have a conversation with it, or pretend it stole your card. (This works best if there's a line.) When at dinner at a fancy restaurant, keep blowing out the candle in the middle of the table, and blame it on your date. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two. When in a chat room, spell everything incorrectly. When in a conversation, look out the window, then say "Wait, start over. I wasn't paying attention." When in an elevator, in different voices, shout out random floors, and then watch as you get there, no one gets off. When in public, pretend you are selling something in an infomercial. When it says, "Reserved Parking", this means you. When people ask you to do things, mutter under your breath, "This won't be neccessary where you are going." When riding up an elevator with a stranger, start singing a song that everyone knows, then expect them to start singing too. If they do not start singing, insist, “Everyone knows that song. Are you stupid?” When standing near a "high-class person," ask them, "Excuse me, but do I have a booger hanging on my nose? I thought I picked it off." When talking to someone, look at a spot about two inches to their right. When walking down a main road, act like a drunk. When walking push an invisible cart and make loud squeaky noises. When walking, talk to yourself constantly. When you're in an argument, no matter what it's about, keep yelling "I don't see your name on it!". Whenever anybody says anything to you. Respond by saying, "I know." Whenever anyone says something, laugh loudly as if they have just told and extremely funny joke. Whenever somebody says something, ask what the simplest word they said means. When they explain, ask what the simplest word in their explanation means. Repeat this for the entire conversation. Whenever someone finishes a sentence say, "And then what happened?" Whenever someone lights a cigarette, tackle the person and yell "Stop, drop, and roll!" While driving if you see a "How am I driving" bumper sticker, call the number and inform the operator that the driver is doing a great job. While going down in an elevator scream, "AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!! WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!" for no apparent reason. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive and put mosquito netting around your cubicle. While walking make car noises loudly (Such as changing gears). Wire up people's cars so the horn comes on as soon as their car is started. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page. Become a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks." Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "BedWetter’s Camp, right?" Add extra letters to words, ex: pizza becomes pizzzzzzzaaaaaaa After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music. Answer their questions with questions. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g., If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!) Ask for chips/fries with everything! Ask for extra homo-sapien Ask for the guy who took your order last time. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza. Ask if the pizza has had its shots. Ask if the pizza is organically grown. Ask if them if they get a free date with one of the staff if you make order over $30. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. Ask if you they can put food color in the cheese. Ask the man/woman if they can sculpt the pizza into your favorite celebrity. Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue. Ask to see a menu. Ask what the order taker is wearing. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay. backwards pizza your order Be vague in your order. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it. Change your accent every three seconds. Crack your knuckles into the receiver. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word." Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?" Eliminate verbs from your speech. Engage in some serious swapping. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your time of day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up. Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up Haggle. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred." If (s)he suggests a side order, ask why (s)he is punishing you. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it." If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words." If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window." If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. If you live next door or on the same block as the pizza place, ask them to deliver with their pizza truck. Imitate the order taker's voice. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful. Keep telling the order taker about the other pizza place you sued last year. Laugh every minute or two, mention the cat in the microwave! Learn the topping codes or abbreviations and use them instead of the name (e.g. pp instead of double pepperoni). Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'." Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. Order a one-inch pizza. Order a slice, not a whole pizza. Order a steamed pizza. Order one with ants. Order term life insurance. Order the most expensive pizza and have it sent to your boss! Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting." Order using lines from different movies (Luke, I am your "customer"-Darth Vader) Order while using an electric knife sharpener. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable. Order your pizza, singing in falseto! Pass the phone around to everyone in the house -- have each person change the order a little. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer. Play a sitar in the background. Pretend that you were trying to call 911 when they tell you you have the wrong # say oh well start to order... In the middle of your order stop and start to panic and yell “IT’S ABOUT TO BLOW” and hang up. Pretend your flying a jet fighter in the Gulf War while ordering. Psychoanalyze the order taker. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread." Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound. Put them on hold. Quote Carl Sandberg. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented. Rent a pizza. Repeat every third third word twice Report a petty theft to the order taker. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back. Say your order as fast as humanly possible. Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Place? When they say yes, say, "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, Pizza Place, start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?" Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that. Shout, "I'm through with (wo)men! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!" Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets CD. Spill out your life story and ask them to they understand, if they say yes, Scream "liars, I don't believe you!" and hang up! Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry." Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!" Start your order with "I'd like. . .". A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't." State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get. St-tt-t-utter, b-b-bb-badly Stutter on the letter "p." Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he' fired. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead. Tell them to put the crust on top this time. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." Try to talk while drinking something. Use CB lingo where applicable. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town." When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. When ordering a pizza, burst out in tears every 2 minutes When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?" When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time." When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now." When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?" When you'ge given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math." While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

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