Thursday, August 23, 2007

Spiraling Down...

Mood: a mix. I'm so confused about how to feel right now. Currently listening to: Blue October's "Foiled" cd. Guys, I've cried off and on now since 6 pm yesterday. I'm so mixed up. I'm utterly shattered, I'm extremely pissed, I'm numb, and above it all (the worst feeling ever) I still love Aaron! I talked to him for about an hour last night. He feels like the world would be better off without him. I told him I'd argue with him all night if I had to. He's so heartbroken about hurting me like this. But he says he needs to figure his life out. I just don't understand that if it's killing us both, why does he feel it has to be this way? All my friends are pissed at him. Smurf wants to kill him, Kytten wants to hurt him, Lindsey said she'd try not to let him know she's pissed, Kitty says he didn't deserve to even get this close to me. He keeps telling me that I'll find someone better, that I'm a great girl and any guy would be lucky to have me. The truth is: I DON'T WANT ANY GUY!!! I WANT HIM!!!! WHAT THE HELL DOES HE NOT UNDERSTAND?! I know I love him, and he says he really cares about me and loves me too, so WHY THE HELL CAN'T WE BE TOGETHER?! I hope the next girl he's with is nowhere NEAR as good to him as I was! I hope when he looks into her eyes, kisses her, holds her close, he CAN'T STOP THINKING OF ANYTHING BUT ME!!! I hope my memory haunts his dreams, just like all our good times together haunt me! I hope he realizes what he lost. He needs to hear the song that's currently playing. It's "Let It Go", obviously by Blue October. I mentioned I was listening to that cd. It's good for break-ups. So is Linkin Park. I was listening to them a lot last night. Anyways, I tried so hard these past few days to hang on to what we had, and it still slipped through my fingers. It was all wasted effort. I asked God this morning to let me meet a guy today. A guy who I can just be friends with for now. Who understands what I'm going through, and can make me feel beautiful again. Aaron made me feel so beautiful, and now I feel so ugly and worthless and used. He told me if we ever went as far as we did, he wouldn't just up and leave me. HE LIED!!! HE LIED TO ME!!! LOOK AT WHAT HE'S DONE!!! I'm sorry I'm venting and ranting on here. But it's healthy to talk about your feelings, and I need a LOT of healing right now. Before you call me emo, stop, open your mouth, and shove your foot in it. I HATE to be called a frickin emo! I'm NOT emo! I truly loved him! I know what real love is! I felt like he was the one for me, and if he hadn't lied to me, we wouldn't have gone as far as we did. That's what hurts the most. I'm so stupid! I should've known we wouldn't stay together! I just KNEW that if I went off to college, it wouldn't last! That's why I didn't want to go! And please, don't ask if I'm ok. I'm not right now, but I will be with time. I need to go. I'll see you all later.... Excel¤~ ¤~~After all that's happened, it was only a fleeting dream~~¤

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