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• 1987-10-23
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Female
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• New Zealand,Ak
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• 2003-09-16
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• Summer Girl Friend
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• Gin and Coke
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• Greening my site
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• Maybe get an apprenticeship...
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• Painting pictures, painting models, painting in my head...
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• I bet I could have an anxiety attack on command.
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Thursday, May 13, 2004
Mona Lisa Smile
Terrible movie, but the line that struck me the most "she's smiling, but is she happy?" struck me as too true.
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Okay…Godel is right, Windows Me sucks. A lot. The exact same crappy thing I’m using too.
I’m typing this up in Microsoft just in case the damn blue screen with the deceitful message of “An unexpected error has occurred however the computer may still be able to run normally. Press any key”
-__-”
I haven’t really updated for some time because, well, I haven’t had the time. Plus I haven’t really felt much like it.
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Then there was the thing about my Grandmother dying yesterday morning…all the way in little ol’ Hong Kong.
And well…er…no one, dare offer me their sympathies/condolences because I simply don’t want it. Why? When I heard my dad telling my mum this morning I had to suppress the urge to smile and chuckle with glee.
Heartless.
But she was manic-depressive as a result she suffered extreme states of emotion and some delusions. There’s really not much that’s worse than your own father believing the hallucinations of a crazy old lady over his own children. Of course, I don’t dislike her half as much as my brother, but still…she was a bother.
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hmm…I really would love to say that things are going smoothly…I suppose in a way it is. But if I hear my social science teacher ask me “how’s it going?” once more in that ‘I’m genuinely concerned’ tone I might just split.
Seriously…how well can things be going when you’ve watched a close friend kill herself little…by little…for the past four to five freaking years til there’s nothing left but a hollow smiling mask of what she once was? That I feel a strange emptiness during gaps of laughter between friends, which only serves as a reminder to me, that’s what she feels all the fucking time. So much that she’d do anything to stop it, to feel something other than that…anything, even kill herself.
I’m just plain frustrated. Nothing more. And no matter how much she asks me and how much I may smile back at her there’s nothing that I can do to help my friend. The funny thing is, my friend could be described as a walking psychological disaster. Some of her problems are bulimia/anorexia, depression, self-mutilation, alcoholism, smoking, dependent on males and suicidal tendencies. What more could a person ask for?
Being sent to the counsellor was useless. There was nothing she had told me that I didn’t already know/try. The worst part: She only confirmed to me that there is little I can do but wait, and hope. Absolute lameness.
I’m sorry. This was probably rather depressing to read, but I just needed to vent it off. |
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