Friday, November 24, 2006

Hmmm...

I thought I had found the one to give my life to. I promised him my heart and that I would always love him. But if things go on this way, I may lose myself. Every time I find someone, my feelings go unreturned. Things seem all right for a time, but then they all break down. Now I’m afraid that I may be destined to always be alone. On the outside when you see me I may be smiling, but inside I’m slowly being torn apart. My heart ached with the losses I felt after he left me. Lost, I turned to another. But he did not love me either. I didn’t even know if he considered me a friend. Then, my heart chose another. I gathered all the courage I had and told him my feelings, but to him I am nothing more than a friend. I acted like I didn’t care, when in reality I’m dying inside. If I push him too hard, I may lose him altogether and I couldn’t bear that. Even though it hurts so much, I will harden my heart and ignore my feelings for him, if that will mean that we stay friends. I can only tell you that it hurts, tears I thought I could no longer cry, the smile I used to wear now long forgotten, lost in the sorrow dwelling in my heart. My love is buried in my sorrow and I don’t know if I can dig it out. So I’ll start over. I will wipe away my feelings and start anew. Perhaps then I will find that special someone who is for me and only me. I know I am not perfect, far from it. All I wish is that I was who he wanted. but I must not allow my feelings to take over. If that happens I will lose myself. I will be strong, I will not show my pain to him. I know this is my fate, my destiny to always be alone, to never find love. I had so hoped that I could change it. Now I fear I will break down completely. I feel so lost and alone. I go through each day seeing people who are happy and in love and I wish that was me. I should have known this would happen, it always does. I was a fool to think that this time would be any different. I’m never good enough for anyone. I shouldn’t think this way, I know. But it’s so hard to look on the bright side when all you’ve ever known is pain. The pain of losing someone dear to you... it has no equal. I talk to him every day and pretend I’m fine, but it hurts so much. I typed this last night after getting rejected once again by Travis. *sigh* I give up. Don't worry, it's not a suicide note. Critter said if someone who didn't know me read this they might think that. Well don't worry. Anyways, I feel like putting up some questions. !-How was everyone's T-Day? 2-Are you stuffed? 3-Can you believe it's already Friday? Ja ne! ~Love is all I need~

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