Tuesday, May 2, 2006

jokes

everyone needs a little light in their life, and here's some jokes to give ya'll a brighter day: 1:This guy walks into a pub and half his head is a big orange. He says: 'I'll have a pint of lager, please.' And the barman says: 'Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.' And the boy goes: 'Yeah, had that for a while now.' So the barman says: 'How did that come about, if you don't mind me asking?' And the boy says: 'I was in this old junk shop when I found a lamp and when I gave it a rub this genie appeared. He offered me the standard three wishes, and I said: 'For my first wish, I'd like every woman I ever meet to fall madly in love with me.' So the genie waves his genie hands and suddenly there's women looking at me. Then the genie says: 'What will your second wish be?' I said: 'I'd like a wallet with ?1million in it, and I can never lose it, it can't be destroyed, and every time I spend any of the money, it'll be replenished.' And the genie says: 'Your wish is granted. Now, what will your third wish be?' So I said: 'For my third wish, I'd like half my head to be a big orange.' 2: People have asked for the differences between marketing and sales. Perhaps these analogies will help: * You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's direct marketing. * You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's advertising. * You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's telemarketing. * You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's public relations. * You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're great in bed." That's brand recognition. * You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a sales rep. * Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's tech support. * You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's spam. * You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs your bum. That's Arnold Schwarzenegger! * YOU LIKED IT! BUT 20 YEARS LATER YOUR ATTORNEY DECIDES YOU WERE OFFENDED. THAT'S CALIFORNIA! There is a Redneck, an Irish man, and a European man... A genie appears and grants them each 1 wish. The Irish man wishes he could go back home to Ireland. The European man wishes he could go back home to Europe. And the redneck wishes he had his friends back. 3:She Was So Blonde She sent me a fax with a stamp on it. She thought a quarterback was a refund. She tripped over the cordless phone. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk". She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius. If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. When she heard that 90% of all crimes happen around the home, she moved. She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night. She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate". 4:A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before!" 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 5. "You know in Arkansas we're now legally married." 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?" 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..." 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!" 10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 11. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?" And the best one of them all... 1. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there." 5:An accountant decided to leave his wife. He left her a note saying: "Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I'm leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. We'll be staying at the Sheraton." He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read: "Dear John. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I'm sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many, many more times than 54 goes into 18." 6:A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House" in French, is feminine -"la maison," "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon." One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model. Okay. That's all for now. Hope ya'll enjoyed that =0

Comments (0)