Friday, December 23, 2005

   Christmas gift?
If he is reading this right now...

There are a lot of things that I want to say...

but your Christmas gift would be given personally...

That I promise...

>>>>>>>>>
I was really happy the moment I saw him
I never thought for a minute that my two worlds would collide
But it was possible...

everything was possible for him...


Why have I doubted?
Because I was afraid to believe...


Christmas is a season where gifts are given...

but what if the only gift that you both wanted was the thing that you are forbidden to give


would you still give it?

Just to see him beside me was like heaven...
just to talk to him and laugh with him was bliss
Just to hug him and hear that he likes scratch that love me was the perfect gift

It makes my heart leap
It paints a smile on my face


and I'm contented...


When he said that he said the wrong thing that night my chest started to constrict...
I really thought that he would take it back...
the reason for my happiness...
but I was wrong...
I should've anticipated that...
because instead of making me cry... he made me even happier...
Because instead of like... he loves me...

He loves me?

But then he suddenly asked me...

My lips were treacherous saying the stupidest thing I could utter...

but if he only knew...
if we were in a different place
in a different situation
maybe I could answer him
more honestly...

without a doubt, without a trace of pretension...

That I do love him...

I'm sorry that I can't answer you at once
Forgive me If I hesitated...

I also wish that I could forgive myself for supressing something that I want to say

I wanted to give him his present right then and there
For it was also something I too wanted...
but I can't give it...

I mustn't...

for if I did I would just repeat my past mistakes...
I'm afraid that If I'd fall no one would catch me
I'm scared that If I let him hold my heart he would just hurt it
I'm terrified of the thought that in the end... all those promises would end bitterly
I don't want to love again because I know all those who love me just leave...

and I'm back to where I started...


Alone and suffering...

I don't want to be alone again

but what can I do?
they always leave
and If he leaves me too
I think my heart could not bear it anymore.
The reason why I'm hesitant
The reason why I don't believe easily
is because I'm afraid to get hurt...

But on the other hand,
I wanted to believe
I want to risk it -being hurt
why?
because of all the grapes in the vines...
he's one grape that taught me very well
how it is to be happy

how it is not to cry
he's the only person I know... the only person I've met that ALMOST freed me from those cursed chains!

Hearing it from him...
It was like dream
Those things only happens in dreams
and i never thought that reality would allow it
I was stunned... for what to me was an eternity...
but it was only a few seconds on Earth time
it was like breathing was starting to be a hard task...
and I have to face him again with some answer...
Dreams end... real life situations don't...

Now what shall I answer?

Whatever the outcome maybe I shant wish to turn back time...
Not only is it imposible but also unforgivable
I must face every consequences my decision would lead me to
just like a writer never regrets what she has written
a human must never takes back her decisions...

no matter how dumb or stupid it may be...


so God give me courage

Kami-sama... tasukete...


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