Friday, August 26, 2005

   Tired of not being myself!! Tired of all this mess!
I'm tired of being the fucking dress up doll! I wont fucking change who I am! Don't like it then go fuck yourself! Sorry for all the swearing people but this is just how I feel right now. I've been the dress up doll person for anyone and everyone! I'm tired of it! They are trying to change who I am. I'm happy with who I am. If your not then oh well. All that matter is that I am happy with who I am.

Damn...I hate thinking! So many things going on in my head! Why would it just shut up?! I fucking am going crazy. Why do I have to think about all this shit today?! I'm going crazy! Wanting to die but I wont. I think it's stupid how people say that if you kill yourself it will only make it worse. Really it doesn't cause your died and yeah. Fuck! I'm listen to "Alone I Break" By Korn, Over and over again. I can't stop thinking! Damn...I want to go away and never come back... Here are the lyrics to that song. I cant stop listen to it right now...

Title: Alone I Break
Artist: Korn
Album: Greatest Hits Vol. 1

Pick me up
Been bleeding too long
Right here, right now
I'll stop it somehow

I will make it go away
Can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
These feelings will be gone
These feelings will be gone

Now I see the times they change
Leaving us, it seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?

Shut me off
I'm ready
Heart stops
I stand alone
Can't be my own

I will make it go away
Can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
These feelings will be gone
These feelings will be gone

Now I see the times they change
Leaving us, it seems so strange
I am hoping I can find

Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?

Am I going to leave this place?
What is it I'm running from?
Is there nothing more to come?
(Am I gonna leave this place?)
Is it always black in space?
Am I going take its place?
Am I going to win this race?
(Am I going to leave this race?)
I guess God's up in this place?
What is it that I've become?
Is there something more to come?
(More to come)

Now I see the times they change
Leaving us, it seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?


I need to get outta my house. I wish I could go somewhere away from the city, away from everyone! I'm going to go now. I hope I can stay alive...I'll talk to you later...maybe....bye
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Thursday, August 25, 2005

   my school thingy!
sup ppl? I'm bored outta my mind right now. lol. I"m listen to korn! lol. I really got nothing to say...mmm oh yeah my school thingy! I'm gonna put up what I have for school right now!^^

Math-10f
Ed. Phys-20F
Computers 2
English-20f
Choir-20G

I also got a spare^^.So I can leave school early on Days 1,3 and 5^^. That's for the frist semester?. Now for the second

Geo-20f
Math con-20s
French-20f
Art-10g
Science-20f
Choire-20g

I got one spare on day 6 after science so i can leave at 2:30^^
Well thats all people^^ I got nothing else to write so yeah^^ byebye.
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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

   PANCAKES!!!
Yummy! I went to Greg's early today and had some! Yummy! oh and OOOOHHHHH Shinny! lol. you guys dont get it other then greg. lol. i'm to lazy to type whats shinny and what not. I'll tell ya when i wanna. lol. im acting stupid now lol. well then again when dont i act stupid? lol. hmmm...what to say?! oh my fav cd is all strached! or whatever! lol. I mean my bruned cd! :( It had the best song ever! blue eyes or whatever! i love that song! it helps me when im sad or whatnot^^ when i hear it I get all happy and blast it! now i cant *cries* well I dont really wanna type much on this site, I still gotta type on my other one before i forget!lol. hmmm well i should at least type a little more or should i? oh! I gots a poem but Im not done it yet...it should be done by tomorrow or soemthing lol. well I better go. I probably gots alotts mistakes with my spelling.. lol i go now. byebye people! pancakes are good! lol
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Tuesday, August 23, 2005

   Damn it!
DAMN IT! this is part of the other post so read that one too!

Damnit! adam! just cause you dont like it that i'm not friends with Rachael anymore doesnt mean that i have to be friends with her! i dont give a fuck about what any of you all think about this. I can stop being friends with her if i wont to! dont like it then go FUCK yourself! DAmnit! I'm pissed off again! fuck it all! Damn I need to get outta my house!
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   Post? if I said I lost my best friend. I would be lying.
Why I said that there is cause I dont have a best friend. I havent had one since my real best friend left me in grade 4. I've had friends but thats it. But what this post is about is to tell everyone that...I will not fucking kiss Rachael anymore. I fucking will not call her my fucking girlfriend anymore or whatnot. I will not fucking even call her my friend. Now get this straight people! I dont care about her. All she is to me now is my brother's girlfriend. She will always be that to me. Nothing more.

Oh I'm sure I probably liked her at one point but not anymore. Oh and I wont call anyone by their fucking nicknames anymore. Its all fucking right names and shit. Dont like it then dont talk to me. Oh and Rachael. How the fuck can you ask me if I'm fucking pregent when your probably fucking my brother or what not! I aint fucking pregent! How can you say I'm acting werid when your the one who is acting all fucking werid! Your all fuckng happy then all of a sudden you get fucking depressed for a stupid fucking reason! I know I'm sounding all mean. Dont like it people, then go fuck yourselfs! I'm pissed that she fucking thought I was pregent! like who the hell am I gonna go have sex with while I'm with Adam?!

God damnit! Im so fucking pissed! I want to get my stuff back from her and give her shit back and never talk to her again unless I fucking have to! Dont tell me I'm being a bitch or whatnot! You try having your friend always ask about your fucking brother! and have your mom make you go out and fucking get your brother while they are probably fucking making out! And her friend has to sleep outside! You know what! Fuck Her! I really dont care if I'm hurting her feelings! Adam, Greg...if you dont like it how I am acting then I really dont give I fuck. I'm just speaking the truth about how I feel. And for once I'm really getting happy even if I am making people mad at me. I dont give a fuck. If I did. Hell then I could cry. Then I could say I'm sorry. But I'm not. So fuck it.

I still dont get it why she asked that fucking question...All because I'm acting weird? since when cant I fucking act this way! hell if she says that then she doesnt really know who I am. Hell if someone doesnt like the way I act then that means they dont really know me. I may act different everyday but just who I am. I'm never the same if I am then oh well. But fuck! just cause I'm acting weird all of a sudden I'm fucking pregent! I've writen to much. I'm just swearing and shit! I dont give a fuck anymore! If anyone ask me one more time if I have kissed/talked/seen Rachael anytime soon...you'll fucking wish you were never born...

later.
R.W.-Dont like me now. then good.
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Monday, August 22, 2005

   Poem? how I really feel?
Hi people. There is going to be a poem in this post. I wrote it cause I was feeling rather depressed and I felt like writing something. With some thought and some help from a certain person, who's name shall go un-named. The person helped me with a certain line in the poem which helped me get started with the poem. I was surprised when I was finised because this is one of the shortest poems that I have writen. Well I shall write the poem now and then write about how I really feel or something like that. I hope you really like my poem. Please dont lie because I can take the truth if my work is ever bad. Well here we go...

Tittle: Lost?

Lost soul waiting to be found
Heart waiting to be unbroken
Pain of the lost waiting to go away.
Lost soul waiting to find true happiness.
Heart waiting for true love to fix it.
Darkness wanting to turn into light.
Ashs wanting to be a fire again.
Lost soul waiting to be found.
Tears wanting to come out.
Heart waiting to be unbroken.
Pain waiting to go away.
Lost soul waiting, wanting to be found.

Well that's it people. I hope you liked it. If not, then please feel free to tell me whats wrong with it. I dont mind if you think I should change something or other. I shall be happy either way. I did that poem on August 14. I know it's been awhile since then; however, I thought now would be a good time to put up that poem now. I really do hope you like it, and that you will tell me whats wrong with it. That is if there is something wrong with it.

Well hmmm, it does seem like I am going to write a long post. I really hope you dont mind if it is going to be one. I just cant help it but keep writing. About anything and everything. I've just thought I really dont write about how I really feel on this site. I mean I write more on my other. I mean I do write how I feel on this site but on my other one. I go into detail about why and stuff...I hope none of you are mad at me for doing that.

Well I thought I should tell you how I feel right now. I feel all numb. Kinda like I'm not really here but I am...I bet you dont get what I mean by this. I just mean to say that I am highly depressed right now. And I know why...cause it seems like I dont have any friends. I mean I got some school friends but its always the same at summer. I never see them. I phone them and they are never there. I'm always alone during every break from the school. And yet no one seems to care about why I am so depressed. I can get more depressed right now but I wont cause I have no idea what I would do if I get that depressed. I really need to get outta my house. I need to see some of my "friends"..whom I bet dont give a fuck about me or my feelings... I highly doubt anyone would wanna do something tomorrow. I'm probably gonna be alone all day again. Just going deeper into this small black hole of mine. Does any of my "friends" care about me? I doubt it. Does any of my "friends" care that I may kill myself one day? I am highly fucking sure that they wont care. The only person who will care is Adam. Thats only cause he loved me. But yet he doesnt know how depressed I am...

I think I should just go now...I need time to think about some stuff. bye people. I shall talk later maybe...*walks away with her head down.*
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Saturday, August 20, 2005

   lalalalala I want pancakes! lol.
I WANT PANCAKES! lol. well then again I want pancakes that greg makes. lol...mmm...what to write. lol oh read my other post that if ya want^^ lol. hmm...going to jamies later today. lol. hmmm...Im gonna have a boring day I just know it. lol hmm...my lip is bugging me! its like meh! but blah. lol...hmm...I'm sooo bored and I cant go to sleep...hmm...what to write. lol well hmm...I hope I get to have pancakes soon^-^.

so yeah...i got no idea what to write. I'm kinda just rambling on. I need to get outta my house and do something but the thing is I dont got anyone to do soemthing with. I mean Kayla is going to a cabin. umm...Rachael is...dont know and dont care....Greg is like....dont know at all...hmmm...yeah...shes a slut and everyone knows it! lol. oh Greg gots something to tell you about that...ummm..."thing"...you know what"thing" I'm talking about...well ummm. OH! Pancakes make me happy! but Gregs pancakes make me umm...wahts the word? lol...I cant think of the word but you should know what I mean...lol..I better go now. I shall talk to you later byebye.
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Friday, August 19, 2005

   I got my lip periced!
HEY! I just got my lip periced! it didnt hurt at all. My brother Luke told me that it was gonna hurt but it didnt...ok well maybe for a second or so but other then that it feels fine^^. My brother travis got his nipples done...ow! he keeps saying that it hurts alot. poor him. the pericing is awsome! oh and the guy who did it said I was the best/ happyest customer to get it done. I was all happy and stuff^^.

I need something to do now! lol. a little hyper now. its almost 4pm and i need something to do! lol. well hmm... oh greg. can I get more or something else? how much can i get for like 20 bucks or so? pancakes! soon i hope! lol. just email me or call me or something.

Well hmm...what to write now! lol. hmm...well hmm...Adam i cant wait to see you in your glasses! you gotta send me a pic or get online soon and show me on webcam!^^ I wish i could show you my lip ring but i dont got a webcam. and yeah...hmm, well emal me greg or phone. lol. i gotta go now. i'm soo bored no one to talk to! lol byebye. love ya all.
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Wednesday, August 17, 2005

   Hey hey!
hey hey people! wassup?! just got back from the worst party thingy ever! well the only good part is what greg gave moi.thanks again!^^ damn! I was fucking cold! I couldnt even feel gregs hand on my arm or what not! or colins arms around me!I was turning blue! I mean it I was! but then again Colin isss sooo warm. lol...oh! Andy was the first one to kiss me! lol...wait....he was also the first guy to kiss me! lol interesting! well that party really sucked till greg came and stuff well umm...yeah...what to write now...so fucking bored...hmmm...ummm...it smells very good. lol. I hope I get my shirts back from whatever their names are. oh! shes such a slut! lol...well its true! lol. well she is a slut now...I'm gonna go sleep now! I shall see you all tomorrow or something^^ thanks again greg! if I like it can I like get more if I pay you or what not??? please? lol. gotta go. bye. love ya.
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Wednesday, August 10, 2005

   HELO!!! *dances*
I'm fucking hyper!!! sorry for the swearing! lol. well yearterday was the 5th month since me and adam have been tgether!^^ sorry for the speeling stuff! its like 5AM!!! lol I only had 2 hours of sleep yesterday! lol. I went to the mall with pan bought some biniki top, its black with pink i think!^^ and and and some other thingy^^ oh! and I bought a poster for adame!^^ i knew he would loike onve he dsay it! lol. I wasted all my money! all 38 bucks!! we are going back on thurday for moo latte!!! lol yummmm! *drools* welll....umm... oh I was looking sooo awsome! I had pans skirt(mine now) on and it was like blue stuff and stufff and her shirt and her hat which was like old still guy stif. andyeah! it was awasome! lol. oh and then we came back to my house and she hit me in the nose when my cat sneexed! lol. then later on before she went! she gave me a fat lip! lol! well...I better get some sleep!!! ooooHHHHHH!! wait before I go! ok i just re read that all and it seems like i am drunk or something...lol. i wont be drunk till next monday when twiggy is having her party. lol jk jk jk. I wont drink...lol! I promise! well anyways...this is poart of a poem that i need to finish well its my msn name. john said i should put the first part of it. cause i had something else. but theen he say that i should add stuff so. I'll shouw you were its mine stuff and his! he is soo cool!^-^ well...ummm... here be yher thing

lost soul waiting to be found(that be johns thing),(these all be mine) heart waiting to be unbroken. pain of the lost soul waiting to go away.

LIKE IT??? well i better go! oh my mommy doesnt like me using the phone anymore...lol....so meh! byebye...Adam! when do you get on the computer at night or what not??? cause i havent talked to you on msn or whatnot in a lonh time! *pouts* well be
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